Time Paradox
by SamJaz
Summary: Just when Cloud Strife gets his head on straight, he gets shoved into an crazy version of his own past. Hilarity ensues, yet the world is still just as dark as Final Fantasy would be. Yeah. This will not end well. Disc 2 begins.
1. The Night it Began

From the authors who brought you Persona 3: Fairly English Story, Naruto: Ours, and One Eye of the Demon, comes a new story.

A Final Fantasy VII Crack Fiction

**TIME PARADOX**

* * *

-

* * *

Hey. How's it going? Cool. I'm great.

I'm more than great, actually. I am Cloud Strife. Yeah.

Now, I know what you're thinking. 'Oh, great. That emo with a bigass sword and even bigger mental problems.' Well, that was the old me.

No, I still have a bigass sword. Several, in fact. They join together to make an even bigger bigass sword, which kicks ass.

Nah, main difference between Old Cloud and New Cloud is that New Cloud has his head on straight. It's amazing what a couple of pills for a couple of weeks with some therapy can do. And that was still Old Cloud. New Cloud is awesome.

New Cloud got laid.

Not my biggest achievement, but since it was Tifa, it's worth mentioning. We're engaged now; proposed couple of months after I last killed Sephiroth. He's been back a couple of time since, but I don't care.

Why?

What do you mean, 'Why'?

Who the hell do you think I am?

I am Cloud Strife!

Yeah. My life rocks.

At least, it did.

You wouldn't think that driving into the pleasantly ominous energy vortex would have that much of an affect on your life.

Turns out it did, because now I'm in some freaky dimensional rift thing.

Now how do I get out?

_You are healed._

Wait, Aeris?

_I'm glad. Your wounds are healed._

You talking about my mental ones?

_Yes. The wounds in your heart…_

Yeah, that's kinda already been established. So, what am I doing here?

_There other side needs you._

Hey, I ain't dying yet.

_I never asked you to, silly._

Oh, good. What other side?

_The other world. In the past._

Oh. Oh great. So I get pulled out of my sweet life in the present, just when we'd finally got the place sorted out after what happened with Holy, just to fix some Alternate Cloud's past?

_You could say that. _

Screw that; let Alternate Cloud deal with that. It's Alternate Cloud's problem, not mine.

_You used to say that about the planet._

I used to say that about a lot of things, but then they grew on me.

_Gotcha._

Huh?

_This alternate plane… it will grow on you too…_

Or, you can leave me on the plane that has already grown on me and let me be happy?

_Now where would the fun be in that?_

You are a cruel person at times.

_I know. But it's almost time._

Time? For what?

_For your train to arrive?_

What train?

* * *

"Hey, Soulja-boy!"

Huh?

Okay, reality check. Train station, Buster Sword, dead Shin-ra grunts at my feet, Mako reactor in the distance…

Ah. First mission I did with AVALANCHE. Okay, I'm in the past.

"Da Bob ya waiting for, spikey!?"

I ran up to Barret, who was… smoking a spliff?

"Come on! We gottsa go make dis place go higher dan grassy jack!"

"Grassy jack?"

"Mah dealer! You gotsta problem with that!?"

"Erm… no Barrett, I… don't?"

"Hey, don't worry man!" He patted me on the back. "I'll introduce ya after da mission, but for now," He shoved me forward. "We be Jammin'!"

What. The. Hell!?

"Aww, Shiz man!" Barret shouted, "Here come da fuzz!" He bounded into an alleyway as more Shin-ra guards ran towards me.

"Intruder!" The leader shouted, getting his team into firing position. "Open fire!"

Yeah, I just held the Buster Sword in front of me and ran for them, using the fashionable holes of badassery as an eye hole.

"RETREAT!"

No chance. SLICE! Four dead in one swing. Now, if I remember correctly, there should be Potions and the like in their pockets…

Jackpot. I shoved the healing stuff into my pockets and ran for the gate. Note to self, create a bag of holding.

_Here._

Hey, that's convenient.

"Wow," the guy in green noted as I reached the entrance. "You used to be in SOLDIER all right." Actually, I wasn't, but I'm not supposed to know that yet. "Not everyday ya find one in a group like AVALANCHE."

"SOLDIER?" Asked the redheaded girl who was also a member of AVALANCHE, "Aren't they the enemy? What's he doing in AVALANCHE?"

"Hold it Jessie." Green told her. "He WAS in SOLDIER." I hadn't forgotten her name, honest. "He quit them and joined us." Wasn't so much as quitting as running for my life, to be honest, but what the hey. "Didn't catch your name…" He asked me.

"Didn't Barrett fill you in?" He mimed smoking something. Ah, right, Barrett's on drugs in this world. "It's Cloud."

"Cloud huh? I'm-"

"Bill." I told him. "I know."

"Actually, it's-"

"William then." Ah, I missed tormenting poor skinny little Biggs. I didn't do it enough first time round.

"DA BOB YOU DOIN'!?"

And here comes Barrett. "I thought I told youses to never move inna group!" Barrett punched Biggs in the gut. ("Oomph!") "Our target's the North Mako Reacta. Wes's meet on da drossy 'ting afore it!"

"The bridge?" I suggested.

"I dun like yo attitude, Ex-SOLDIER." Barrett told me as Biggs, Wedge and Jessie ran for it through the now open gate. "In fact, I no trust ya, ya?"

"Nay." I replied.

"'dat's it, yo jammin' wit me for dis mission." Barrett ran ahead, motioning for me to keep up. "If ya move yo legs fasta, ya run."

Alright, alternate Barrett is WEIRD, man. Still, I ran after him and met up with Biggs, Jessie and Wedge at the bridge.

"We'll secure the escape passage." Wedge informed me professionally, which was surprising, seeing as I remembered him as a bumbling fatass. "Concentrate on the mission, Cloud."

"Geez, we're really gonna blow this huge furnace up?" Biggs asked. "Man, this'll be something to see."

"Concentrate on the mission, Biggs." Wedge told him sternly. Man, He's also got a lot more spine than I remembered, I mean come on, He's leading the way across the bridge now!

"Yo man," Barrett asked me, "Dis ya first time inna reacta?"

"Actually," I told him, "I spent four years locked in one of these things."

"Krishna! Yo serious!?"

"Why I left."

"Dagnagit…" Barrett sighed. "Ya know, da planet's fulla Mako energy."

"I know." I replied.

"People here use it everyday."

"I know." I repeated.

"It's da life juice of da planet."

"I know." I repeated.

"But Shin-Ra keeps smokin' the happy out wit dese machines…"

"You do realise I know all of this."

"Just fo da benefit of udders." Barrett shrugged.

"Who else is here?"

"Dat's it! Yo comin' wit me from nah on!" I thought I already was? Alternate Barrett has a crap memory.

Everyone else was working on hacking through the first door by this point. "Biggs and I got the code for this door." Jessie announced proudly.

"Code Deciphered." Biggs announced as the door opened.

Everyone rushed through it, and Jessie got to work hacking the next door. "Think how many people risked their lives…" Biggs told me as we waited, "Just for this code…"

"Won't be more than four." I replied.

"Code Deciphered." Jessie announced as the second door opened. "Come on, into the lift!"

"Don't you mean elevator?"

"I mean lift. Come on!"

Once four of us were in, I poked my head out. "Not coming Biggs?"

"Can't. Wedge has a fat ass."

"I ain't losing weight for you, Biggs." Wedge taunted. "Tough luck!"

"Quit yer yappin!" Barrett barked. "Spikey, hit the button."

I pushed the down button, and the doors closed. "Code Deciphered."

"Watch It." Wedge and Jessie warned me simultaneously. Decent timing there.

"Dude," Barrett blew some grass smoke into the back of my head. "Liddle bah liddle, da reactas'll drain out all of da life." HUUUFFF "And dat'll be dat."

Maybe I should act like Old Cloud? "Not my problem."

"Da planet's dyin' Cloud."

"No, it isn't." I sighed. "Look, the only thing I care about right now is finishing this job so I can get the hell out of here." And figure out what the hell's going on.

"Grr…" Barrett threw his half smoked spliff to the floor, then lit up a new one. Is he never not high?

DING! The doors opened. We squeezed out of the sardine box and onto the balcony.

"The reactor's down the ladder." Jessie told us. "Use it to get down."

"You not coming?" I asked.

Jessie shook her head. "I'm… afraid of ladders."

The Hell? "_Her father was killed by a ladder when she was younger._" Wedge hissed into my ear.

"_Seriously?_" I whispered back.

Wedge nodded. "_He walked under one, and then Shin-Ra grunts shot 'im. That's why she fights against Shin-Ra._"

I gave the large guy a look that translated to ~ Seriously? What the hell!? ~

He then gave a look that said ~ I know. I think we're the only two sane people here. ~

~ What about Biggs? ~

~ Bulimia Nervosa. ~

~ No way! ~

~Way. ~

~ Are you messing with me? ~

~ I mess with thee not. ~

"If you two lovebirds can stop looking into each other eyes," Jessie pointed out, "You'd see that Barrett's already at the bottom."

Good thing I'm mature enough to shrug of the gay jokes. "Sorry. Wedge, you first."

Once Wedge had started down the ladder, I jumped over him, impacting against the ground. Remember kids, never jump a thirty foot drop unless you have super powers like me, and even then, only do it if you have the right superpowers. Ever wonder why Professor X is in wheelchair?

Well now you know.

"Damn, yo sure was in SOLDIER alright." Barrett remarked. "Or yo's Spiderman." His eyes suddenly lit up. "Are yo's Spiderman?"

"No."

"Well yo suck." Barrett puffed at his softcore drugs as he looked around. "Wedge, unlock da last door!"

"On it." Wedge ran to the lock. "I'll jam it open, and then I'll wait in the lift for you both, alright?"

"It's fine mon." Barrett told him as the door opened. "Let's go!"

Barrett and I walked into the reactor room as Wedge scrambled up the ladder. "When we blow dis place," Barrett told me, "This ain't gonna be nothin' more than, like, a hunka junk, ya?"

"Suppose." I answered him as he tossed a box towards me.

"Cloud, you sets da kaboom."

"Shouldn't you do it?" I threw the bomb back at him.

"Jus' do it man!" Barrett threw it back at me. "I gotta watch!" I eyed him suspiciously. "Ya know, ta make sure ya don't pull nuthin', ya?" He lit up again.

Come to think about it, I don't want anybody that high touching any kind of explosive. "Fine, I'll do it."

_**Watch out**_

_**This isn't just a reactor**_

Ah, great, I've got the 'helpful' hints again. "What's wrong man?" Barrett asked me, "Childie Childie!"

Gritting my teeth, I set the bomb and grabbed the Buster Sword as the alarms began flashing.

"Awww shiz!" Barrett shouted as the reactor transformed into the Guard Scorpion. "I'm comin' down real hard man!"

Lovely. I rushed forward and lopped off one of the reactor's legs. Chop. Clang. Skree. Now for an Omnislash. I jumped up and, sword over my head, brought it down on the scorpion's head, chopping it in half. Ah man, I only have Braver? Well that sucks fish.

I checked the bomb. 572 seconds until detonation. So almost ten minutes then…

"Ah, shiz the spidah's!" Barrett was rolling on the ground uncontrollably. Sigh. I picked him up and flung him over my shoulder, then climbed up the ladder one handed. Barrett kept hitting me on the way up, screaming "Gerrem off! Gerrem OFF!", which was slightly less annoying than the screaming sirens.

Once up, I threw him into the lift. Jessie, however, was stuck in the grill. "Come on! Let's go!"

"I can't!" She shouted. "I have a phobia of getting stuck!" Seriously woman? I grabbed her leg and pulled her out, then threw her into the lift with Barrett. "What you waiting for Wedge?"

"Unjamming the jamming signal." He replied. "Code Deciphered."

We both rushed into the lift and I hit the up switch. I had to admit it, listening to the lift music felt pretty awkward when all hell was breaking loose around us.

"So, um…" I asked Wedge, trying to break the silence. "You… going anywhere this weekend?"

"I'm hoping to get out of the city now that you mention it."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah, I know a nice Bed and Breakfast out in Kalm, do a little fishing," Wedge explained, "It'll be nice."

"Bet it will." I nodded. Man, small talk is hard at times.

"THE SPYDAH'S!!!"

DING! The doors opened, and not a moment too soon. I grabbed Barrett and ran for it, Wedge and Jessie coming up behind. Jessie overtook me and began working on the lock.

"Code deciphered." She announced as the doors opened. We ran like hell through it to find Biggs hacking as fast as he could.

The doors opened. "Code Deciphered!"

FREEDOM! Carrying Barrett, I led the way, running out of there. Jessie tripped up, so I stopped to tuck her under my other arm before running after Biggs and Wedge.

**KABLOOM!!!**

"Code Deciphered." I announced awesomely. The situation called for it.

"SPYDAH'S!!!"

* * *

-

* * *

Yeah, Non-Emo future Cloud and Offensive Rasta Stereotype Barret. This will probably be the sanest chapter of them all.

So, Yeah, Ravenwingcorps and I have had this idea for about four years now.

Then we forgot all about it.

Then we remembered it at New Years Eve 2008, then decided to make a comic about it.

Then we forgot all about it again.

Then we remembered it again a couple of days ago, and decided to make a crack fiction about it. Makes a change from our normal story driven humour/drama stories.

And if you want to know how this will go down, then imagine Persona 3: Fairly English Story, only insane, everybody is out of character, and not unlike OEotD. Also, it's based on Final Fantasy Seven. Yeah.

Oh, while I remember. I'm SamJaz.

I'm Ravenwingcorps

Yeah, he speaks in underlines because he's important. Probably.

Damn right I am. My input into this story is mainly the plot and making sure SamJaz doesn't hit a too big of a tangent, I was also the creator for Yuffie's personality, SJ ironed it out, I think it's funny, as well as the plot in general

Yeah, whatever. You love Fairly English Story.

I do. However, you are you

Fair point. Anyhoo, review. This story will move slowly, like Naruto: Ours and Kingdom Hearts: Oblivion, while I focus on Fairly English Story.

When's the next one coming by the way?

You see? Addict.


	2. The Night Before the Morning After

Hey everybody, SJ and RWC here with more Hilarity. Today RWC will answer your reviews.

To BlazingFireAngelXXX, will cloud change the alternate future, heh heh heh, time will tell... basically yes

To mom calling, No, Cloud will not be let out between chapters, that would be the nice thing to do, Barret will stay the same..ish, and yes we have chaos and insanity planned

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Chapter 2 – The Night Before The Morning After

[}~~~~~~~~~| |~~~~~~~~~{]

"Yo, Goku!" Barrett shouted, "Great ta meetcha an all, but yez can put me down now."

Goku? Is he talking to me? Well, I put him down anyways. I put Jessie down while I was at it.

"Oh, it's just you Cloud." His eyes widened. "I didn't know you was a Supah Saiyan!"

Sigh. "So, are the Spiders gone yet?"

Barrett paled. "Ya mean dey were fer reals!? Oh shiz!!" He lit up a spliff in self-defence.

"Anyways!" Biggs provided a much needed distraction, "That should keep the planet going… at least a little longer."

"Aye." Wedge agreed.

"Okay!" Jessie announced, "Now everyone get back!"

Nyeh? **KABLOOM!!**

Oh, right, AVALANCHE likes bombs. Right.

"Alright Y'all!" Barrett shouted, climbing through the rubble in the wall. "Let's blow this joint!" He blew his joint. "We meet at Sector 8 station!"

"Which Sector are we in again?" I asked.

"This one!" Barrett shouted, taking in the grass. "We split now, ya?"

"Oi, Smokey!" I shouted after Barrett as everyone ran through the hole Jessie had made.

"We sort outcha pay laters, arai?" He ran into the smoke with the others.

Sighing, I walked around the rubble and went through the front door, ten feet to the fresh hole's left.

"Excuse me?" A woman asked me, "What just happened?"

I turned around, though I already knew who it was.

Wait, who's she?

"You'd better get out of here." I warned the middle-aged blonde woman.

"Ooh, sounds exiting!" She waddled off excitedly. Weirdo.

"So, what did just happen?"

GAH! I spun around again. Aeris!

"Hm?" She asked, "Do… you know me?"

No, not alternate you. "N-no, sorry, you just looked familiar…" I looked around, trying to change the subject… "Hey, are those flowers?"

"Oh, These?" She lifted up her basket. "Do you like them?" She asked. "They're only a Gil."

"In Midgar?" I asked, "I'll have a dozen."

"Oh, thank you!" She handed me the flowers. "Here you are! That'll be twelve Gil!"

Hooray for rooting through the pockets of corpses. I put the flowers in my bag.

"Sure they won't be crushed in there?" Aeris asked me with concern.

"Don't worry," I replied. The bag was… special. "Wait, I think I do recognise you…" I added, mocking deep thought.

"Oh, I'm sure you've just confused me with someone else."

"No… No I know where I know you!" I replied confidently. "Do you know a SOLDIER named Zack Fair?"

"You know Zack!?" She was happily surprised. "What happened? I haven't heard from him in years!"

"Oh… you… don't know?" Right… she didn't know yet did she…

"Why?" She paled. "What happened?"

"He died." I told her. "Four years ago, in the Nibelheim Massacre…"

"I see…" Man, that must've ruined her day…

_Thank you…_

Aeris?

_It hurt, thinking that he had forgotten about us… Now she knows the truth…_

I'm actually more surprised that no-one had told you. Anyhoo, back to reality.

"I'm sorry." I replied. "He was a good commanding officer." I replied. "Um… sorry, but I have a train to catch…"

"Okay, then." Aeris smiled. "Thank you for telling me. It was nice meeting you Mr…"

"Cloud." I told her, running towards the station. "Cloud Strife."

Hey, I just realised. Cloud Strife and Fair Weather. Heh, Zack could've come up with a decent pun from that if we did decide to become merc's together…

"Hey!"

Ah, now to be surrounded by Shinra soldiers…

Wait, this guy isn't a Shinra soldier…

"What are you doing in that!?" Red SOLDIER uniform… Damn, is this guy Second-class? "I know the faces of all the First and Second Class SOLDIERS, and you aren't one!" He was enraged. "Third classes like you don't have the right to wear the indigo uniform!!"

"I'm not SOLDIER." I told him. "I'm a deserter."

"WHAT!? GUARDS!! GUH!!" I punched him in the gut just as he called the guys over. "Dirty… trick…"

I drew the Buster Sword. "Bring it then."

The SOLDIER grunted and drew his own broadsword. "You will die for you insolence."

"Yeah, sure." I taunted as the Shinra troops surrounded the area. "Know why I left?"

"Because you are a coward who can't do anything without Sephiroth!!" He charged.

_SHN_

"No." I told him, pressing the Buster Sword deeper through him, "Because I killed Sephiroth." With that, I sliced the sword through him, then flicked the blood off.

"OPEN FIRE!!"

Damn. I jumped off the bridge.

_**YEERRNN!!**_

[}~~~~~~~~~| |~~~~~~~~~{]

I love trains. I mean, they're always there to help you at the most convenient times. Like right now, I was crawling along a speeding train to try and find Barrett and the others.

Did you know that SOLDIERS can strain their ears for convenient super-hearing? We can even filter through loud noises, like a train, and pick out quiet sounds, like Wedge telling me to hurry up.

"I wonder…" Biggs responded to Wedge's thoughts, "If he didn't make it..?"

"Spiky too chill to be killed, yo." Barrett told him. "He a Supah Saiyan!"

"…Cloud…" Jessie whispered.

"Say…" Biggs started, "Do you think Cloud's… Going to fight to the end for AVALANCHE?"

"What, at his rates?" Wedge snorted, "He's good, but we honestly can't afford him for every mission."

"I dunno…" Jessie wondered. "What do you think, Barrett?"

"Supah Saiyan's no come cheap man." Barrett told her. "Whoa, spydahs."

Dude, is he still high?

"If the rest of you weren't such screw ups, we wouldn't even be having this conversation…" Wedge moaned. "I miss the old AVALANCHE…"

Same here Wedge. "Looks like I'm a little late." I announced, swinging through the window.

"CLOUD!!" Everyone shouted. Then Jessie added "…Soot…"

"See?" Barrett shouted, "His hair's gone black now! He is a Saiyan!!"

…

"…Yeah… Okay then…" I replied awkwardly. He is not going to like going cold turkey…

"You wanna drag?" Barrett offered me once he noticed me looking at his joint.

"Uh, no thanks."

"Spydahs…"

"I thought you got over your bad trip?"

Barrett was already moving for the door. "Cabin's fillin' up! Let's get out before the spydahs gerrus!"

Weed shouldn't make you hallucinate like that… I'm going to have to have a word with this 'Grassy Jack'…

"Hey, Cloud!" Wedge patted me on the back. "You were great back there!"

"Heheh…" Biggs chuckled, "We'll do even better next time!"

"Um… h-here…" Jessie offered me a cloth, flinching. "I'm… scared of soot…"

Holy hell she is a mess. I wiped my face clean and patted it off my clothes. I would have gotten it out of my hair, but I won't be able to get it all out without shampoo, and hair half covered in soot just screams 'Fare Dodger.'

So we all went to the next cabin. People were already running away from Barrett 'High-as-a-kite' Wallace.

DING! _/\_ _Last train out of Sector Eight station. Last stop is Sector Seven, Train Graveyard. Expected time of arrival: 00:23, MST. __/\_

Ah, train conductor announcements. How I miss thee.

"Hey, Cloud." Jessie called to me. "You want to look at this with me?" She asked, waving me over to the on-train computer. "It's a map of the Midgar Railing System."

"No thanks."

"Come on! Let's look at it together." Jessie smiled. "I'll explain it to you."

"I've got it memorized already." I lied. I just really didn't want to listen to her go on and on and on and on and on about trains again.

"Oh… okay…" Jessie was disappointed. "It's just that… I like this kinda stuff." Puppy dog eyes. "Bombs and monitors…you know, flashy stuff."

"I like it simple." I replied. "Stab it until it dies." Burned…

Jessie's face said it all. REJECTED!

Hey, I'm engaged, and I still don't know whether I get to go home after this or not. I hope so.

"Look." Wedge called me over. Much saner company. "Look, you can see the surface now…" Wedge sighed. "This city doesn't have day or night. If that plate wasn't there, we could see the sky…"

"It is pretty unsettling scenery." I agreed. "That's why you were going to Kalm?"

"Yeah, like I could get a Visa out…" Wedge shook his head. "I'd get Jessie to forge one, but then she'd be all _'Noo! The germs! The wild animals! Nature will get you!'_"

"Yeah…" Biggs stepped into our conversation. "No one lives in the slums because they want to. It's like this train. It can't run anywhere except where its rails take it…"

That was either very philosophical, or some meaningless garbage made up on the spot. I'm leaning towards the latter.

DING! _/\_ _Sector Seven, Train Graveyard. This is the last stop; please take all your belongings with you. __/\_

FREEDOM!

[}~~~~~~~~~| |~~~~~~~~~{]

"YO!" Barrett shouted once we were off the train. "Get over here Y'all!" We all huddled around Barrett who lowered his voice slightly. "Dis mission was nice… But we's blow da next one even higher, ya?"

"How?" Biggs asked.

"Wid da Ka-me-ha-me-HA, Dumbass!!" He slapped Biggs across the face.

"Ow!"

"Anyway's," Barrett continued, "Let's split and meet back up at da base!!"

We split.

I shook the majority of the soot out of my hair on the way back to the Seventh Heaven.

Then I heard it.

_/\_ _One Love… __/\_

Aw hell.

_/\_ _One Heart… __/\_

"Reggae." I stated dryly. Seriously?

_/\_ _Let's get together and… Feel alright!_ _/\_

"Yo got a problem wit da Almighty Marley Spikey?"

"No, not at all." I hope Alternate Tifa isn't too screwed up…

I walked into the Seventh Heaven, hoping for the best.

Bracing myself for the worst…

"Papa!!" Marlene shouted.

"Hey baby!" Barrett hugged his 'daughter'.

"Marlene! Aren't you going to say anything to Cloud?" Alternate Tifa looked at me, smiling. "Welcome, Cloud. Looks like everything went well." She leaned closer to me conspiratorially. "Did you fight with Barrett?"

"Barrett fought with me." I defended.

"I should have known…" Tifa shook her head. "He's always pushing people around, and you've always been in fights ever since you were little... I was worried."

"I've grown up since then." I told her, leaning down to Marlene. "Hey, Marlene, wanna see a magic trick?"

She nodded shyly so I put my hands behind my back. "Abracadabra…" I started, Reach into the bag of holding and… "Alakazam!" I pulled out ten flowers for her.

Marlene was impressed, but she didn't say anything. "Flowers?" Tifa asked instead, "How nice… you almost never see them in the slums…" She looked at Marlene. "Aren't you going to take them?"

Marlene took the flowers before hiding behind Tifa. "I'm sorry Cloud," Tifa apologised, "Marlene's just a little shy."

"Don't forget to thank him Marlene." Barrett told her. "If not, He'll blow you away with a Kamehameha!"

"…Thank you Cloud…" Marlene said shyly before running to Barrett. "…We'll take care of you."

"You alright Barrett?" Tifa asked.

"Yeah, I'm doing great…" Barrett clutched his head. Wait, he isn't smoking anything right now… Ah, Marlene. "Get in here fools!" Barrett shouted as he picked up Marlene. "We're startin' the meeting!"

Biggs, Wedge and Jessie ran into the secret basement beneath the pinball machine. Tifa, however, lead me to the bar. "How about…" She asked, "Something to drink?"

"Give me something hard…" I replied, slumping onto the bar stool. It had been a long day.

"Just a minute." Tifa replied, reaching for a glass, "I'll make one for you."

Which reminds me. "Oh, I got something for you too." I pulled another flower out of the bag.

"Oh, Cloud, you shouldn't have!"

"No big." I smiled. Life tip, when showing a girl how much you care, give lots of flowers. If she already thinks / knows you care, one beautiful flower can be more effective than a dozen roses.

"Thank you Cloud, it smells wonderful." A rose by any other name would still smell as sweet, and all that. "Maybe I should fill the bar with flowers…"

"That'd be nice." I told her as she started mixing a drink. Seventh Heaven- _Our_ Seventh Heaven always had fresh flowers in a vase behind the bar. It _was_ nice.

"You know," Tifa said as she mixed the drinks, "I'm relieved that you made it back safely…"

"It wasn't a particularly hard job." I told her.

"Guess not…" Tifa replied. "Cloud is Cloud." She put a drink down in front of me. "And Cloud was in SOLDIER, right?"

"Yeah, I guess…" I drank, hiding the lie.

"Make sure you get your pay from Barrett." Tifa reminded me.

"Don't worry, I will." Damn, this drink is good. "What's this drink called?"

"Hm…" Tifa thought. "How about you name it?" She smiled. "I made it just for you."

"Seriously?" Hm… Dark Orange… broody… got some bite to it… "How's about Sled Fang?"

"Alright." Tifa smiled as she poured herself a glass to toast. "The Sled Fang!"

"The Sled Fang." I agreed. Clink!

"Cloud," Tifa put her glass down. "Are you feeling alright?"

"…Yeah…Why?"

"…No reason." Tifa replied. "You just look a little tired I guess. You'd better go down below."

That's scary. I mean really. "Do I have to? Crazy people scare the sane."

"Wedge is a big boy." Tifa told me. "You should fit in right at home with the others."

I finished my drink. "Gee, thanks."

[}~~~~~~~~~| |~~~~~~~~~{]

Leaving the shoulder pad upstairs (What did I ever see in that? It looks ridiculous…), I braved the underground asylum.

Barrett was pistol whipping a punchbag with his gun arm. "_Gerrup! Stannup! Stannup fer yer rights!_"

Biggs was looking at himself in a mirror, shoving a donut in his mouth. Half a dozen Duncan Donut's boxes were littered on the floor.

Jessie was on the computer, trawling through the Wijipedia topic page for Phobias. She better not be looking for new ones to have.

"You think I'm a little uptight?" Wedge asked me, munching a donut that Biggs missed.

"Looking at this," I answered, "I wouldn't blame you if you went postal."

"Oh, that only happens to the extremely bored." Jessie pointed out. "I'm a bit of a psychological disease buff."

No wonder.

"Yo, Ape Man!"

I assume that's Barrett's new nickname for me. "There something you want to ask me?" I replied.

"Yez gone Supah again."

"He's probably training to fight Cell daddy!"

"Holy Shiz, ya think so Marlene!?"

Holy crap the little girl was as deranged as him. I hope Alternate Denzel's okay. Alternate Tifa seems fine so far, as does Alternate Aeris.

"Good luck man," Barrett told me, "I mean, if Goku couldn't deal with him, then he's gonna be tough…" He patted me on the shoulder. "Anyways, was there anyone from SOLDIER fighting us today?"

"None." I told him. "I can guarantee that."

"What about any Saiyan's?"

"Nope."

"Namekians?"

"Not a chance."

"How 'bout Soul Reapers?"

"I-what?"

"Nevermind, they's invisible." Barrett shook his head. "Anyways, you sounds pretty confident."

"If there was anyone from SOLDIER, then you wouldn't be alive right now." Which reminds me, a decent SOLDIER second class might have survived that stabbing. Then again, after the SOLDIER mass defection, he's probably only Third Class level.

"Dun go thinkin' yo so bad jes' cuz yo wuz in SOLDIER." Barrett warned. "Yer has yer Saiyan blood ter thank too!" Barrett told me proudly. "But yer monkey tail's workin' fer AVALANCHE now! Don't get no ideas 'bout hangin' on to Shinra!"

"Dude, they shoved my in a tube of Mako for four years."

"Shiz man, you serious!"

"Yeah, I told you earlier."

"I woulda remembered if yer did Cloud." Barrett shook his head. "Krishna… Four years in Mako… no wonder yer got Supah Saiyan so young if yer that tough…"

"Whut you talkin' 'bout Willis?"

"Oh, Tifa's got a picture of yo two when yez were kids or summat, I dunno…" Barrett started punching the bag again. "My 'ead 'urts."

"Papa, you're so great!"

Kid's really messed up. Or maybe she's just six, I don't know. "Whatever." I told him. "I'm going upstairs. I wanna talk about my money."

"Say…" Barrett sounded suspicious, "About dat…"

"You gave it to Grassy Jack didn't you…"

"No!" Barrett sounded offended. "I jez… don't have it right now…"

"Papa, you said that you would quit!"

"I can quit anytime I want to baby!" Barrett picked his daughter up. "See? I haven't smoked a joint in fifteen minutes!"

That's… not normally something to be proud of. I moved to leave, then Tifa came down the secret passage, asking me to wait.

"Let 'im go!" Biggs shouted. "He obviously still misses Shinra!"

"How many times do I have to get it through to you people!?" I shouted. "They locked me in a test tube filled with poison for several years just too see why I was as awesome as I am!" Man, angry Cloud scares druggy Barrett. "Why the hell would I want to go back to them!?"

I pointed at withdrawal Barrett. "But before you start your damned preaching, that doesn't mean I care about AVALANCHE or this planet either."

This planet. I care lots for the planet that is my home.

Tifa touched my arm. "Straiten things up with everyone for me."

There was silence except for the news. _/\_ _"......today the No.1 Reactor was bombed. The terrorist group AVALANCHE has claimed responsibility for the bombing. It is expected that AVALANCHE will continue its reign of terror. But citizens of Midgar.... there is no need to fear. I have immediately mobilized SOLDIER to protect our citizenry against this senseless violence. Thank you and good night." __/\_

"Cloud…" Wedge began, "You say you don't care, but you came to talk to me on the train." Fair point. "Cloud… you just want friends, isn't that right?"

I have friends already. "I really don't care."

"You're terrible." Wedge turned to the TV. "Real cold blooded…"

Sabotaging any shot of happiness I have is what Old Cloud does best.

As it happens, I do care. I care a lot, just not about myself.

Not this time.

"I'm going home." With that, I left for the lift.

[}~~~~~~~~~| |~~~~~~~~~{]

"Listen, Cloud." Tifa caught up to me as I went through the front door. "I'm asking you. Please, join us."

Sorry Tifa, I just got more important things to deal with now.

"The planet's dying Cloud." Tifa continued. "Slowly but surely, it's dying. Someone has to do something about it."

"So let Wedge and his asylum deal with it." I told Alternate Tifa. "It's got nothing to do with me."

"So!" Tifa shouted, "You're really leaving!? You're just going to walk out on me!?"

That stopped me. I'd hurt Tifa too many times doing that.

"You're just going to walk right out, ignoring your childhood friend?" Tifa asked again.

Dammit, Tifa really did hit home back during the Advent. Whenever things get tough, I run away and try to deal with it myself. I promised her that I'd stop shutting people out too…

"You forgot the promise too." Tifa added.

Damn… that applies here too…

Come to think of it, where was I going to go look for answers? Where was I running to?

Away. It wasn't the 'To' that mattered, just the 'Away'…

"…Sorry…" Damn, I am a coward. I'm just letting myself be a puppet all over again.

Ah. There's a point.

"I promised to come and be a big damn hero if you were ever in trouble…" I turned around to face Tifa. "If I ever became a famous SOLDIER."

"You got your childhood dream, didn't you?" She asked. "You joined SOLDIER."

Wow, that's a very interesting floor. "So come on!" Tifa almost pleaded, "You've gotta keep your promise!"

"Throw in a few more of those Sled Fang's" I told her with a smile, "And you're on."

Tifa smiled. "Thanks Cloud."

"HURLED IT!" Nyeh? WHAM!!

"Dude, you just threw a sack of coins in my face!"

"A promise is a promise!" Barrett shouted, "So dere's yer pay! One thousand an' five hundred fish lungs."

"You mean Gil?"

"I mean fish lungs!"

I opened the bag. He meant Gil. Thankfully. "One and a half grand?" I looked at Barrett, who was stoned again. "This is my pay? Don't make me laugh." I threw it back at him. "Puppies die when I smile. I was going to give you half-off too."

"What!?" Tifa cried, "Then you'll…!!"

I walked back into the bar. "Put the pay on my tab." I told them. "I need to get well and truly wasted before going out on another mission with you guys again."

Tifa let out a deep breath. "Thanks Cloud."

"Which remind me," I told Barrett, "Next mission is gonna cost ya three grand."

"Whut!" Shouted Barrett, "But that money's fur Grassy Ja- I mean, Marlene's Schoolin'!"

"If it's as easy as this one I'll do it for two, alright? Thanks Tifa." I added, as she handed me the drink.

[}~~~~~~~~~| |~~~~~~~~~{]

* * *

And now, all you have to do is wait for the next chapter, Entitled –The Morning After The Night Before -. That will be awkward.


	3. The Morning After the Night Before

* * *

**Chapter 3 – The Morning after the Night Before**

[}~~~~~~~~~| |~~~~~~~~~{]

Dude… what the hell was I drinking last night?

Something to do with Red thirteen…

Oh, right, Tifa made some cocktail and I got completely and utterly wasted…

Tifa…

Well, at least the hangover will clear up by itself… another benefit of Mako poisoning…

I rolled over to face Tifa. "Hey." I told her.

She smiled as she woke up. "Morning."

Man, this is what I like. Waking up with the woman I love between white bed sheets in the morning…

Wait, is that blood?

Come to think of it, Tifa looks a good five years younger than I remember…

Oh crap I'm in an alternate universe.

Oh crap I just took alternate Tifa's virginity.

…

Is it still cheating if it's still the woman you're engaged to, but from an alternate dimension?

Technically it's not the woman you proposed to is it?

No, it really isn't.

Tifa's face was growing with realisation and almost horror, probably because mine was too.

"Tifa?" I asked.

"Cloud?" She asked.

"Barrett?" Barrett asked from the door.

I turned around. "Dude what the hell!?"

"Sorry man… thought dis was da batroom…" Barrett then threw up on the floor. Ew. "Mah bad…"

"Looks like we weren't the only ones drunk of our heads last night…" I said aloud.

"No," Tifa shook her head, pulling the covers up to cover herself as she sat up. "He does that every morning."

"In your room?"

"Normally I lock the door so he can't get in." Tifa replied. Which suggests that she was drunk last night as well. Phew.

…

Well, this is awkward. I mean, I could make it look like I wanted this, but that would be cheating on my Tifa even more.

Then again, there is a lovely view behind the point of no return.

Then again, I want to return. Best not cross that line.

…

Yeah… awkward…

"Um… it's okay…" Tifa told me. "I-I mean, we were both really drunk last night."

She looked about as awkward as I felt. "Y-yeah!" I agreed. "I mean, we really weren't ourselves were we!?"

"No!" Tifa nodded to herself. "Couldn't be helped! Right!"

Yeah, we'd both just found a lifeline out of this and were scrambling up it as fast as we could. "Well… yeah!" I got up. "Just let me find my pants and I'll be outta here…" Come on pants where art thou..?

Aha! Slung across the Bustersword! Though damned if I'm staying long enough to find my shirt. I shoved the trousers on, grabbed the sword and got out of there as fast as I could. "Later!" I told her as I left.

Once I closed behind me, I started smashing my head against the blunt of Zack's sword. DAMNIT DAMNIT **DAMNIT!!! **

_**IDIOT!!!**_

Okay, head bleeding now.

Actually, that cooled my head a little.

That could have actually gone a lot worse.

[}~~~~~~~~~| |~~~~~~~~~{]

Good job my magical bag of holding is attached to my pants, or I don't know what I would've done. Actually, I don't think it's attached to my pants as much as it's just above my backside whenever I want it to be there. I'm gonna have to experiment with that.

Anyway, I ended up having to buy a new shirt. Something less conspicuous than Zack's old SOLDIER gear, yet still provided some decent armour while showing off my arm more.

Aha, I'm hilarious. +1 dead puppies.

Seriously though. Light blue version of my home clothes and a light gray badass scarf, I looked like your run of the mill mercenary. Bought some cool shades while I was at it.

Once I sobered and suited up, I went back to the Seventh Heaven.

[}~~~~~~~~~| |~~~~~~~~~{]

"Good morning Cloud."

"Hey Tifa." Barrett and Marlene were there too.

"Did you sleep well?" Tifa asked me, nodding towards Marlene and Barrett.

Ah, we were pretending last night didn't happen. Gotcha.

"Barrett's snoring kept me up all night." I groaned.

"WHUT!" Barrett shouted, "I dunno where you was last night Saiyaman, but you weren't dere when I woke up!"

"But Papa!" Marlene shouted, "You have bad memory in the morning, remember?"

"Sorry Marlene, I forgot…" Barrett shook his head, "But you definitely weren't dere when I woke-"

"I went for a jog." I cut Barrett of quickly. "Hence why I'm only coming in now."

Barrett looked at me suspiciously. "Dem's aren't da same rags yo were wearing yestertime…"

"I thought you didn't want to draw attention to us."

"DAMN RIGHT WE DO!" Barrett shouted, "WHY'S YO THINK WE GO TO all dat trouble ta blow up da reactahs?"

"I meant that the fact that I'm a renegade SOLDIER will draw suspicion, so I changed out of my old uniform, alright?"

"Hey, yo's da namekian."

"Saiyan, daddy!"

"Saiyan." Barrett corrected. Man, he's nuts.

Speaking of nuts… "Do I smell Nutwaffles?"

"I got the recipe from your mom." Tifa told me. Sweetness! Mom made some sweet Nutwaffles!

"Sure look like waffles ta me." Barrett pointed out.

"They are." Tifa told him. "They just have nuts mixed in."

"Yay!" Marlene shouted. "I like nuts!"

Must… repress… urge to say… "You're surrounded by them." DAMMIT MOUTH!!

"YAY!" Marlene shouted, "NUTS!!" She bit Barrett's leg.

This universe is messed man.

"Here you go Cloud." Tifa passed me a waffle on a plate, Maple Syrup already spread over it.

"Thanks!" Must… repress… urge to dance…

"You can do the dance if you want to." Tifa smiled. Dammit, Alternate mom told her about that too!? Oh well.

Waffledance! Waffledance! Waffledaaaaaance!!!

Now the waffles can be eaten.

"Dat der best dance I have ever seen." Barrett announced as Marlene continued to gnaw on his leg. He didn't seem to notice, I blame Grassy Jack.

"You gotta do it…" Chew… "When you eat waffles. They're great Tifa!" I gave her a thumbs up through my mouthfuls of food.

Tifa smiled. "Thanks." She passed a plate of waffle to Barrett. "We need the energy."

"We?" I asked as Barrett attempted to do the Waffledance with a child's jaw attached to his leg. "You're coming on this mission too?"

"That's right." Tifa placed another waffle on another plate for Marlene, before cooking her own. "I'm going this time."

Oh yeah, she did. Not that I'm worried, Tifa can take care of herself easily while looking after everyone else. At least, My Tifa can.

I still don't know how Alternate Tifa will do, especially Alternate Hungover Tifa.

Wait, is everyone on this mission hungover except me?

Damn.

Wait, no, Tifa never gets a hangover. Then again, she can handle her drink.

Then again, this is alternate Tifa, so who knows?

How about I just stop thinking and enjoy my Nutwaffle?

Good Plan.

…

…

Damn, Finished it already.

"We hitting the big thing again." Barrett announced as he put his empty plate on the bar. "We meet on the train...thingy…"

"You mean the train?" I suggested.

"Dat's the… thingy…" Barrett was currently trying to dislodge something from his backside. "Cammon… a-HA!" He held up a Cure Materia in triumph.

Then he rolled it up in a spliff.

Tifa confiscated it from him and passed it to me. "Cloud, don't trust him with Materia, you take it." Good plan.

"Tifa? What's that?" Asked Marlene, pointing to the Materia.

"Well Marlene," I crouched down to her level. "This is a Materia. There's lots of kinds of Materia, and they do lots of different things. This one," I showed her the orb, "Is a Cure Materia. It lets you heal people with Magic."

"Magic doesn't exist." Marlene scowled. Wait, you believe in Super Saiyans and Soul Reapers, but not Materia?

"It's really more the Earth's power." I shrugged. "This is how the planet helps papa fight."

"Wooow…" She accepted that and believed it.

"Marlene," Tifa asked with a smile, "Can you watch the store while we're gone?"

"Alright!" Marlene grinned. "I'll keep it safe from ninja and pirates!"

Ooookay? "Good girl baby." Barrett told her. "Don't forget to record Batman!"

That's it! I'm outta here!

[}~~~~~~~~~| |~~~~~~~~~{]

While on the way to the train, I took a look at the Materia I had. I already had an Ice and a Thunder Materia, plus the Cure Barrett found and the Fire I found, we had four. I could try to distribute it evenly, but I really don't trust Barrett with any if these right now.

"Tifa, take these." I handed her the Fire and Ice Materia. Home Tifa can do this thing where she puts one in each arm, creates a small thermal thunderstorm, then shoves it in a guys face.

Alternate Tifa put one in each arm too, although that's common sense even if you don't know that trick. I gave myself Cure and Thunder. I'm not trusting the healing to someone who was smoking a joint the size of a Swiss cake roll, and I likes my thunder spells.

Wait, if I'm right…

"Gimme a sec." I told Tifa and Barrett as I ran back to the slums. If I was still right…

[}~~~~~~~~~| |~~~~~~~~~{]

Few minutes later and I was back with everyone. "Here Barrett, I'm gonna trust you with this." I handed a Fire Materia to him. "Shove it in your arm, you'll get fire powers."

"I don't do da 'ard stuff man." Barrett protested, now thankfully smoking a regular joint.

"Just do it." I shoved the Materia into his arm."

"Tch." He lit up a new spliff with his thumb. "Let's git goin'!"

Meanwhile, I'd stolen myself an All Materia, so now I can cast magic on lots of things. Grin.

[}~~~~~~~~~| |~~~~~~~~~{]

Biggs, Wedge, Jessie and a load of unimportant people were on the train when we got there. "Hey, looks at all da peoples." Barrett said. "And da spydahs…"

Aw, not again?

Barrett started walking to some guy. "W-what do you want?" He asked Barrett. Hey, isn't that guy Shinra?

"Share da love, bruddah!" Barrett shoved the joint into the guy's mouth.

The guy went pale. "…Spiders…" He passed out on the floor. Man, I really need to talk to Grassy Jack.

"Barrett!" Tifa shouted at Barrett.

"Hey, he likes it!" Barrett protested. "See? He's smilin'!"

Aeris, what did I do to deserve this?

…

No response?

Probably only had that for the first night then.

"So, what do we do now?" I asked Barrett, following him to the back of the car.

"We smoke."

Super.

The train started moving. "Looks like they finally finished connecting the cars." Tifa told us.

I, however, knew what was coming, so I started doing calve stretches.

"What're you doing?" Tifa asked me.

"Getting ready for the mission." I told her. Kinda true.

"Good idea." She started doing leg stretches too.

"Not going to join us Barrett?" I asked.

"The spydahs gone crazy monkey man…"

"You okay?" Tifa asked.

"Dey're over nine thousand…"

That was shocking.

So was the red security lights.

"Dammit!" Tifa shouted, "The ID check was supposed to be further down!"

"Psychedelic lights man…" Barrett moaned.

**_/\_ Type A Security Alert!!! Unidentified passengers confirmed... A search of all cars will be conducted! Repeat!! Type A Security Alert!! Unidentified passengers confirmed... A search of all cars will be conducted! _/\_**

"I'm hearin' crazy voices again!!" Barrett started rolling around.

I picked him up over my shoulder. "Let's go Tifa!"

"Right!"

I wasn't so worried that I forgot to swipe that Pheonix Down from that guys pocket as I legged it though.

"There's a problem!" Jessie shouted at us as we barged through the cars.

"I know!" I told her, "They're locking down the cars!"

"No!" She shouted, "I'm scared of sirens!"

"They didn't concern you last night!" I shouted. Yeah, I was calling bollocks.

"I'm fine if I'm not in a moving train!" Man, messed up woman! I'm leaving her behind as I fight my way through.

"OOMPH!!" Yeah, take that Guy-who-took-my-wallet-last-time!

"Aww…. Da light's stopped…" Barrett complained as I opened the door out of the train.

"Alleyoop!" I threw him off the train.

"Cloud!" Tifa shouted!

"No time! Let's go!" I threw her out of the train. "Anyone else!?"

"Hey! You stole my Pheonix down!"

"No time!" I threw the guy outta the train. ("Waaa!") "Noone else? Good!"

I jumped out of the train.

[}~~~~~~~~~| |~~~~~~~~~{]

"Well, everyting's going ta plan so far!" Barrett declared happily to Tifa and Me.

"To plan!?" Tifa shouted, "Biggs, Wedge and Jessie were arrested!"

"But We didn't!" Barrett explained. "Everyting's going ta plan."

Sigh. "You do realise that we can't get past those laser sensors." I reminded him.

"Dat's why we has air pipes, Spikey!"

Sigh. "Fine. Down the hole we go. Tifa first." I decided, "Then me, Smokey last."

"Hey, I'm leadin' dis operation!" Barrett barked.

"It's better this way." I explained, "Trust me."

I can't go first because I can't pull my sword out in that cramped space, and Tifa is less likely to fart in my face that Barrett. Better this way.

[}~~~~~~~~~| |~~~~~~~~~{]

"Papa!" Tifa shouted, "Sephiroth!?"

Nyeh? Oh, flashback, right.

"Sephiroth did this to you," She asked her fathers impaled body, "Didn't he!?" Well, considering that that's the Masamune in his chest… "Sephiroth.... SOLDIER... Mako Reactors... Shinra... Everything!" She drew the sword from her father's corpse and screamed.

"**I HATE THEM ALL!!"**

Tifa charged into the reactor, carrying Sephiroth's sword.

The Masamune is a cursed blade. Only someone infused with Mako can wield it. The second Tifa tries to swing it; it will disappear from her hands and into Sephiroth's.

What's more, any wound inflicted by the Masamune can't be healed through healing spells or potions. No phoenix down, no life, nothing.

Stone unhealable dead.

I still have a scar in my collar from this incident.

Aaand now Tifa's about to get her scar.

"Cloud!"

[}~~~~~~~~~| |~~~~~~~~~{]

Huh? Oh, back to reality. Tifa was kneeling next to me in a slightly more open part of the ventilation shaft.

"Are you alright, Cloud?" She asked.

"Monkey man is having a trip." Barrett nodded knowingly.

I sat up. Man, this part of the vent was really spacious. "Yeah, I'm fine." I shook my head. Not this again…

"Not what again?" Tifa asked. Oh crap did I just say that aloud?

"No, forget it…" I shook my head. "Let's hurry."

Tifa sighed, but nodded. "Same old Cloud…" She punched a grill in the floor down, grabbing it before it hit the ground. "I'll close it behind us so go on ahead."

Rightho. I jumped out of the vent, landing silently. I barely got out of the way before Barrett bellyflopped onto the ground in a fairly loud SMACK!

"Owie…" Barrett rolled over in pain. Serves him right.

Tifa landed even quieter than I did. "Let's go." She said, helping Barrett to his feet.

"Who's got the bomb?" I asked as we approached the reactor. This was a normal one, no scorpion robots.

"I do." Tifa replied as she set the bomb. "Cloud, you take the detonator."

"Detonator?" I asked as she handed me the small silver handle. It had a trigger behind a finger guard, like a gun would. "Sweet!" I shoved it into the magical bag. "Much smarter idea than a time bomb."

"Tifa insisted on it." Barrett told me. "Apparently the clock ain't smart."

"There's still a timer on it though…" I pointed out. (9:59)

"O' course!" Barrett shouted proudly. "Not a real bomb unless it's got a clock on it!"

(9:51) "But then the detonator?" I asked.

"It loops every time it gets to zero." Tifa said. "It won't go off until you pull that trigger."

Cool. "Let's get out of here then."

[}~~~~~~~~~| |~~~~~~~~~{]

We couldn't reach the ventilation shaft, so we had to walk out of there. Thankfully, the security system to get out was fairly basic.

All we had to do was hit three large buttons at the same time.

Piece of cake.

"Alright." I said. "On three. One, two, three."

BE-BEEP

Sigh. "Okay, again. On three…"

[}~~~~~~~~~| |~~~~~~~~~{]

"Alright, let's try this again." I said. "One… Two… Three!"

BEEP-EP

"Sorry!" Barrett shrugged. "Mah bad!"

Dammnit Barrett…

[}~~~~~~~~~| |~~~~~~~~~{]

"Three!"

BEEP-EP

"Dat was you spikey."

Damn…

[}~~~~~~~~~| |~~~~~~~~~{]

BEEP-EP

"Tifa!"

"Sorry," Tifa apologised, "Let's just try again, okay?"

[}~~~~~~~~~| |~~~~~~~~~{]

BE-BE-BEEP

"How're we getting worse?" I asked.

Tell you what, I'm glad we decided not to use a time bomb.

[}~~~~~~~~~| |~~~~~~~~~{]

­BEEP-P

"DAMMIT YOU TWO!!" Tifa shouted. "DON'T YOU HAVE ANY RHYTHMN!?"

Whoa, she's mad. "Look, calm down." I sighed as Tifa took a deep breath. "Okay, take eleventy-twelve…"

[}~~~~~~~~~| |~~~~~~~~~{]

"Hey spikey."

That was take eleventy-twelve plus forty, and I was starting to lose it. "Yes… Barrett..?"

"Why don't you just use your sword to hit two of the buttons at once?"

"Because, Barrett…" Wait, that would actually make life a lot easier. "Why didn't we think of that earlier!?"

"Because you don't see da pretty colours." Barrett replied, lighting up a new joint. I couldn't actually see the floor anymore he'd smoked that many.

Whatever. I pulled the Buster Sword out and positioned it over the two buttons on my side. Tifa then moved over to Barrett's button so he could go smoke. "Alright." I said. "On three."

"Three." Tifa said.

**BEEP**

The door opened.

"EEEEYUUEESSS!!!!" I shouted, punching the air. "Barrett, you are awesome!"

"Spydahs…"

I grabbed the sword. "Let's get out of here before the door closes on us!!"

No-one needed to be told twice.

[}~~~~~~~~~| |~~~~~~~~~{]

Soon, we were crossing the bridge over Aeris's chapel when unexpectedly…

"Hold it."

Yep. Shinra. Not just the grunts either, but the actual fatso was here.

Tifa's fist clenched as President Shinra's expensive shoes echoed towards us.

"Hmm…" Shinra smiled. "You must all be that… what was it?"

"**AVALANCHE**!!" Barrett shouted, spitting his joint down the chasm. "We be AVALANCHE." He added coolly, lighting up again.

I walked towards him. "Long time no see, President."

He looked at me with confusion. "And who the hell are you?"

I took the shades off. "Ah," He said. "You're the one who quit SOLDIER and joined AVALANCHE. I knew you were exposed to Mako, from the glow in your eyes..." He laughed. "Tell me, traitor. What is your name?"

"Cloud Strife." I told him.

"Forgive me." He turned away. "I can't be expected to remember every person's name… Unless you become another Sephiroth."

He sighed. "Yes, Sephiroth... He was brilliant. Perhaps too brilliant..."

"Would you remember a number?" I asked him, surprising everyone in the room.

"A number?" He asked, turning around. "Why, do you have one?"

"Number 0." I told him.

He laughed. "Nice try, but we never use that number in any of our experiments."

"From the Reunion." I added.

He didn't like that. "How do you know about that?"

I shrugged. "Hey, I can't be expected to remember every little detail." Shrug turned to glare. "Even if I became another Sephiroth."

Realisation started to hit his face. "N-no… no, I know every one of the Sephiroth Clones! You aren't one!"

"I can wield the Masamune." I told him. "I have power rivalling that of an Elite Class SOLDIER. I can hear J-E-N-O-V-A." I spelt out the last word, just to watch him squirm. "The reason you don't know me, however," I told him, "Is because I'm a failure."

He eased a little. "F-failure?"

I pulled the detonator out of my pocket. "I don't obey."

"Don't do it Cloud!" Tifa called.

"GO ON SPIKEY!!" Barrett shouted over her.

I looked behind me as everyone began to panic. "Take care of her."

"Don't do it Cloud!" Tifa shouted. "T-there's still so much I-"

"I know." I cut her off. "Barrett, get her out of here."

"Gotcha." Barrett picked her up and ran for the door.

"Hey!" Tifa tried to fight him off. "CLOUD!!"

"I'll see you later." I said as I turned back to see three dozen rifles pointed at my head.

My eyes flashed with the Mako

I smiled and pulled the trigger.

--BBBB----OOOO----OOOO---M-------M--  
--B----B--O------O--O------O--MM---MM--  
--BBBB---O------O--O------O--M-M-M-M--  
--B----B--O------O--O------O--M---M--M--  
--BBBB----OOOO----OOOO---M-------M--

[}~~~~~~~~~| |~~~~~~~~~{]

* * *

Never let it be said that this one cannot take a badass scene and make it even more badass, even during a humour story.

Despite the fact most of this is planned out, we are going to lose the plot somewhere, I blame Barrett...and pirates

I blame my awesomeness.

Awww Yeah…

Next chapter title?

Long falls really hurt?

I like it. Though I guess we could stretch the theme a little.

The Afternoon After The Morning After

It has its merit, see how long we can keep it going on for

Most likely a while.

Yay.


	4. The Afternoon After the Morning After

Right, chapter 4, Introducing Alternate Aeris and Alternate Reno.

First off, Kitsune. I know personally only four other people who have played VII, and all of them spent ages pressing those buttons.

It took me over a three hundred and fourteen tries at first, but I get it perfect every time now.

See? And as for the amount of win? Well, this story is basically a sillier version for my main story, Persona 3: Fairly English Story, only that story is for Persona, not Final Fantasy, and the silent protagonist is the only one to change, now getting a voice and being from England, instead of Cloud being from the future and being emotionally stable. While there is much less insanity in the Persona story, the internal comments are much funnier, and the fights and characterisation is better, but I'll make the fights here good too.

Mom calling, sometimes I actually need to take laughing breaks just from coming up with ideas with RWC, not just from writing. When we came up with what to do with Aeris, for example, we laughed hard.

Blazing Fire? Why would Cloud lie to his internal monologue about something like that? Everyone, treat the internal monologue as a much more prominent version of JD's internal monologue. You all have seen Scrub's, right? See also 'How I met you mother', and 'Everybody Hates Chris'. Also consider 'A Series of Unfortunate Events.'

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

**Chapter 4 – The afternoon after the morning after**

[}~~~~~~~~~| |~~~~~~~~~{]

"Hey? Are you alright!?"

I sat up. "What do you think woman!?" I stood up and confronted Aeris. "I fell through your damned roof dammit!"

Aeris tilted her head. "That's not very nice." WHACK!!

Dude, what the hell!? She just smashed my head in with a sledgehammer! "…Is it?" She asked, still smiling politely.

Alternate Aeris scares me.

"Now…" she continued, "You ruined my flower bed…"

I glanced at the flower bed, then pulled ninety-four Gil from my pocket. "Does this cover it?"

She counted the money and then the flowers, then looked at me with a rather cute smile. "And the roof? Plus compensation?"

Dammit woman! I didn't have this much trouble first time round! "Say…" She suggested, "Do you have any Materia?"

"No." I lied. "But you can find Materia pretty much anywhere."

"But mine is special." Aeris argued. "It's good for absolutely nothing."

"You just don't know how to use it." I told her. That so called 'useless' Materia is insanely powerful. "So… you were Zack's girlfriend… right?" I asked, desperately changing to a safer subject.

The safer subject was a thrown axe aimed for my face.

"Do you have the emotional range of this hatchet!?" Aeris shouted, polishing said hatchet. "Honestly, four years of nothing, then you tell me he's DEAD!" She threw another axe, which I dodged by rolling. "Then you come waltzing in here, fall right out of the sky, and rub my face in it!!" I dodged a sledgehammer now. "So," She asked politely, "What do you do for a living now?"

"Huh?" It seemed safe to stand up. "Erm… A little bit of everything I guess?"

She smiled and tilted her head slightly. "A Mercenary, right?"

"I… suppose so… why? WHOA!!" I ducked the thrown katana.

"SO YOU LET HIM DIE THEN STEAL HIS DREAMS!!" The nutcase shouted, "I BET YOUR COMPANY'S CALLED BUSTER WOLVES TOO!!"

"CLOUD STRIFE DELIVERIES!!" I shout back, flinching.

"Oh, that sounds nice." Aeris replied.

Damn, she's crazy…

Then the jazzy drumming started.

Nyeh?

Then the clicks and claps.

Seriously, I'm freaking out now…

Dumdumdummmm…

What the hell is with that guitar?

Oh… here comes Reno. I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess that he has theme music. I could just about handle that.

"Say, Cloud." Aeris asked. "Have you ever been a bodyguard? You DO do everything, right?"

She flashed an axe behind her back. How many of those did she have? "Uh… sure, I guess?" I really did not want to spend much more time with this wacko, but I also really wanted to figure out where she kept all those weapons, since she wasn't going to tell me.

"Then get me out of here." She sobbed slightly. "Take me home…"

How the hell can she look so defenceless while holding a tomahawk!? "Alright…" I shrugged, "But it'll cost you."

"I'll let you off for the damages and compensation." She said. "And I'll go out on a date with you… once." She giggled.

"Not happening." I replied, ducking below the axe. "Sorry, I'm taken!" I dodged to the left. "Alright! I'll do it!" I dodged again, this time to the right. "Nice to see you Reno." I said as the Turk walked into vision. _Careful, this one's crazy!_ I mouthed to him, careful not to use any sign language.

"You know me?" Reno asked as I ducked below and axe blow then jumped above a scythe swing. "Oh, I see what you mean."

Three Shinra grunts came in after him, pointing their rifles at me.

"Don't fight here!" Aeris asked politely, hands behind her back, "You'll ruin the flowers!"

That should really be the least of your worries lady. "The exit is back there." She whispered into my ear.

I nodded, then covered her escape through the back door.

"Those are… Mako eyes." Reno said as I backed through the door with a nod. I saw him smile. "Alright then. Back to work." I turned around to run after Aeris, but kept my ears focused on Reno. "Alright, Cloud Strife… let's see this one play out shall we?"

I heard him walk after us casually, then stop. "Oh, and don't step on the flowers men."

"But boss!" Shouted one of the grunts, "You just did!"

"They're all ruined!"

"You're gonna catch holy hell!"

"Correction." I heard Reno say. "These aren't my shoes. Therefore, it is you who will catch holy hell."

Oh he is smooth.

[}~~~~~~~~~| |~~~~~~~~~{]

I caught up with Aeris in the back room. "Alright, I'm gonna need your help for this one."

"You're asking a defenceless young lady to fight?" She asked sweetly.

"No," I pulled the Cure Materia out of my arm and passed it to her. "Just heal me if I get hurt."

She sighed, then shoved it into her arm. "Are you assuming I'll like curing people because I'm a woman!?"

"No." I told her. "I know that you like curing people because you have an affinity for curative Materia." I told her.

I'll explain. Everyone has an affinity for different types of Materia. Aeris has an affinity for white magic, or healing Materia, while Tifa has an affinity for physical boosting Materia. Red XIII, who I'll be meeting soon, has an affinity for time Materia. Me? Well, because of the Mako poisoning, I have an affinity for every type of Materia, but originally I had a thing for Enemy Skill Materia, which was considered next to useless to anyone who can't be bothered going around the world and getting hit attacked by monsters over and over again, so naturally I was the first one to master it.

That was probably why I failed the SOLDIER exam now that I think about it, since they probably just assumed I had a crap affinity for something else.

Anyway, I got Thunder Materia and I got All Materia. And I got a bigass sword. Let's get some slaughtering done.

"THERE!!" The three grunts all lined up in formation and pointed their guns at us. Damn, this didn't happen last time…

"Up the stairs!" I told Aeris, who was already on the rafters. Nutjob…

Obviously, I ran after her as the staircase was shot to pieces below me. Once I was on the rafters, I lifted my hand into the sky. "THUNDER!!" I shouted, and lightning came down and fried the three grunts. No idea how that works inside, hole in the ceiling or not, but I don't generally question what works in my advantage.

You know, in case it changes its mind.

Aeris threw some barrels down at their corpses for the hell of it. "Yay!" She shouted, "We did it! Let's go!" she started skipping towards the hole in the roof.

Dumdumdummmm…

"Yo, Cloud!" Reno shouted as he entered the room, "Come here a sec'!"

Meh, why not? I jumped down to him. "What is it?"

"When are you from?" He asked.

…Nyeh?

"Look," Reno continued, "You knew what was going to happen in general, so you must be either from the future or have precognition. However, since you were surprised at the grunt's tactics, you obviously can't see the future, therefore, when did you come from?"

I sighed. "Five years in the future."

Reno whistled. "Right. And judging from your surprised reactions to the Ancient's and my behaviour, you're in an alternate past to the one you once knew."

Damn, he is a lot better than the Reno back home. "Yeah." I replied. "You were a lot lazier and more laid back in my timeline."

"Huh. That's just a persona I've set up over here." Reno replied. "And I'm guessing that since you came back to this timeline that something's gonna go down soon."

"Right." I told him. "Can't tell you what though."

"'Course you can't." Reno sighed. "Can you tell me who comes out on top?"

Seems safe enough. "Shinra goes down, but you're still alive at the end."

"Should've seen that coming really…" He sighed. "So, I just go along with what's going on then?"

Actually… "When you get ordered to blow up sector seven, make sure that there's an escape route for everyone inside. Don't worry, the higher ups will be top distracted afterwards to find out."

Reno nodded. "Cool. Just making sure I'm the winning side." He left. "Later then."

Dumdumdummmm…

Man, I wish I had a theme song…

[}~~~~~~~~~| |~~~~~~~~~{]

I caught up with Aeris on the roof of the chapel. "Ha…ha…" She panted, "They're looking for me again…"

Yeah, again. "They're the Turks." I told her. "They're an organization in Shinra. They scout for possible candidates for SOLDIER."

"This violently?" She asked. "I thought they were kidnapping someone."

"They're also involved in a lot of dirty stuff on the side." I added. "Spying, murder... you know."

"They look like it…" Aeris sighed.

"But, why're they after you?" I asked. "Do they think you have what it takes to be in SOLDIER?" Not surprising if that's the case, considering the fact that this Aeris is already a psycho. Dodge axe.

Wait, am I already used to that? Dodge.

Holy crap I have gotten used to axe crazy Aeris. Dodge. Scary. "Come on," I said, "Let's go."

[}~~~~~~~~~| |~~~~~~~~~{]

"Wait..." Aeris panted, "Wait, I said!"

I stopped and looked behind me, then leant back to dodge the flying kitchen knife. "Slow... down..." Aeris gasped. "Don't… leave me…"

"Funny." I said, "I thought you were supposed to be cut out to be in SOLDIER." Hey, I caught that hatchet!

Wait, that isn't the handle.

Crap, now my hand's bleeding.

"Cure!" Aeris shouted, and the bleeding in my palm stopped.

"Oh, thanks." I said.

She smiled. "Hey, were you ever in SOLDIER?"

"What makes you say that?" I asked.

"Your eyes…" She said. "They have a strange glow."

"That's the sign of those who have been infused with Mako." I told Aeris. "Mark of a SOLDIER." I added mysteriously. Ah, I love drama. Never said I was in SOLDIER though. HA! "So… how did you know about that?" I asked.

"Oh…… nothing." She replied sweetly.

"Nothing?" I asked, raising my leg to dodge the low axe.

"Right! Nothing!" Aeris ran ahead. "Let's go, bodyguard!"

Damn, she is insane.

[}~~~~~~~~~| |~~~~~~~~~{]

We ended up getting to Sector five without much incident. I dragged Aeris off to the shops so I could stock up on more potions and phoenix downs, and I also bought a few dozen grenades while I was at it.

Actually, I have mysteriously become loaded. No, don't draw attention to it. Don't even think about it. It's all good, don't let it change.

Then I went to visit number II. I didn't know this the first time round, but he's a Sephiroth Clone.

No, not an actual clone, he's a successful copy, kinda like me, only he's lost his mind, and Jenova's finding it.

"This guy are sick…" Aeris pointed out, before trying to cure him. Then she tried to heal him.

Oh yeah, she has some Restore Materia too….

"Aeris?" I asked. "Can you wait outside a second?"

"Huh?" She was surprised, and I thought that she was going to throw an axe at me, but I must've looked damn serious because she just said "…okay…" and left.

"Hey…" I told the poor guy quietly. "…can you understand me?"

He just writhed there in his bed, mumbling something about the Reunion.

Yeah, this guy's way gone. There's only one thing I can do for him now.

I drew the Bustersword and stabbed it down into his chest. He died instantly. "Sorry." I said, pulling the huge sword out then pulling a Chiburi

[}~~~~~~~~~| |~~~~~~~~~{]

"I'm home, mom!" Aeris shouted once we got into her house. "This is Cloud," She said as her mom came in, "My body guard."

"Bodyguard..?" She asked. "You mean you were followed again!?" She ran to me and shook me. "Are you all right!? You're not hurt, are you!?"

"Nope." I replied. "I can dodge." I ducked at the same time as her Mom did as an axe flew over our heads.

"I need a drink…" She said before walking up the stairs.

"So…" Aeris asked, "What're you going to do now?"

"I'm going to go back to Tifa's bar." I told her. "It's in Sector Seven."

"Is Tifa…" Aeris began "…A girl?"

"Yeah." I said, preparing to duck.

"A girl... friend?"

"Something like that." I said, then ducked.

"Well, that's... nice." Aeris said. What, no axe? "Let's see, Sector 7? I'll show you the way."

"You gotta be kidding." I stated. "Why do you want to put me in danger again?"

She laughed. "I'm used to it."

"Used to it!?" Actually, so am I. "I dunno… I don't need help from a girl…"

She raised her fist at me. "A girl!!" A kitchen knife was shoved between her middle fingers. "What do you mean by that!?" She threw the knife, and I tilted my head to dodge. "You expect me to just sit by and listen, after hearing you say something like that!?" She ran half way up the stairs. "MOM! I'm taking Cloud to Sector 7! I'll be back in a while!"

A rolling pin caught her dead in the face. "Do it tomorrow! Go make the spare bed for our guest!"

Aeris rubbed her nose. "Yes mom…" Ah… so that's how you control her…

Aeris ran up the stairs and her mom came down. "Sorry about my daughter…" She said. "Sometimes, I forget that English is only a second language for her…"

"Wait… Violence is the language of the ancients?"

She nodded. "I had to learn it in order to raise her. The angle, the speed, the distance, the spin, even the object thrown can change the meaning…"

Whoa. "What does a rolling pin on the nose mean?"

"I have no bleeding idea." She sighed, looking through the cupboards. "Still, it gets the job done." She pulled a bottle of booze out and started drinking. "You're from SOLDIER, ain'tcha?"

"Was in SOLDIER." I told her. "Quit."

She nodded. "I don't know how to say this," She started, "But..."

"Leave in the middle of the night without Aeris?" I asked. "Sure."

[}~~~~~~~~~| |~~~~~~~~~{]

"You need to go through Sector 6 to get to Sector 7." Aeris told me as I came up the stairs, throwing a pillow into my face. "Sector 6 is a little dangerous so you'd better get some rest tonight."

I walked right into the guest room. "Night then."

I ducked the Piranha and closed the door behind me. Sleepy time now.

[}~~~~~~~~~| |~~~~~~~~~{]

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Not my best work this chapter, but half term so had to write at night, since helping out at house. Persona suffered too.

I wanted the axes to be pink. Thought they'd be funnier.


	5. The Evening Before the Night Before

Hey, sorry about the wait. Stuff happened.

**Yeah... that was me. Sorry about that. My job is to do the basic script for each chapter from the original FFVII so SJ can do his stuff, and I've been busy with other stuff. Sorry.**

* * *

**The Evening Before The Night Before  
**

* * *

I jumped out of the window in the middle of the night to hopefully avoid Aeris. I didn't even bother getting the potion or whatever was hidden in her garden as I silently bolted out of the place as fast as I could.

"You're up bright and early."

I dodged the axe and started making excuses. "How could I ask you to go along when I knew it would be dangerous?" I asked her as I jumped over the next axe. For me that is.

"Are you done?" Aeris asked as she juggled a machete with one hand. "You have to go through the slum in Sector 6 to get to Tifa's 7th Heaven. I'll take you there, so come on!"

I dodged the riding crop and sighed. "Fine, watch out for the hell houses."

"The what?" Aeris asked as she stepped onto the broken highway.

"Those hell houses." I sighed as the demonic buildings burst through the asphalt. "Hold on."

I charged past her with the Buster Sword and swung it through the hell house, causing its outer walls to break as the earth shook. Now things get real. "THUNDER!!" I cast, and lighting struck the house as I swung for it again. I landed and a huge dust burst came form the house, knocking me back as I cast another lightning spell, killing it.

"Why didn't you help?" I asked Aeris as I got to my feet. "Some knives it its windows would've been a big help."

I ducked back as Aeris threw a knife at me. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

She probably doesn't. Oh well.

* * *

We ran through the rest of the highway, cutting through any more enemies that turned up, until we eventually reached the playground outside Sector Seven.

I stopped there for a rest, since the biggest threat inside a child's playground is the paedophiles.

"The gate to Sector 7's in there." Aeris said, having just jogged and not helped for the entire run.

"I know." I told her. Damn, alternate Aeris is useless. "You gonna be all right going home?"

She gasped. "Oh no! Whatever will I do!?" She threw a knife at me. "Isn't that what you want me to say?"

"You want to just come along?" I asked, throwing away the knife I caught.

"I could do that." Aeris said. "But won't I be in your way?"

Yes. "No." I said aloud.

"Alright." She put her hands behind her back. "Can we take a break?"

"We just had one." I ducked the axe. "Fine."

She smiled and climbed up a moogle slide. "I can't believe this is still here…" She said, sitting on the top. "Cloud, get over here!"

I jumped and stood next to her. "So, what rank were you?" She asked me. "In SOLDIER."

There was a flash of white in my head. Oooh, the pain. "First." I said, rubbing my head."

"Same as him." Aeris sighed.

"Zack?" I asked.

"Yeah…"

"We're… you two serious..?" I asked her.

She nodded, almost about to cry.

The gate opened and a Chocobo drawn carriage came out. Those Chocobo are not being treat properly, any breeder could tell that.

Mind you, considering who owns them, it's no real surprise that they're mistreated.

The carriage turned into sector six, and I saw Tifa in the back, wearing a short blue dress. Damn that looks good on her.

I almost forgot about this bit. DAMMIT! Evil memories! STAY AWAY! NO MORE CLOUDINA!!!!

I shook the trauma away and focused on the task at hand "TIFA!!" I shouted.

I raised my hand in the air at Tifa as I caught her eye. She knew what I was trying to say.

"That girl in the cart was Tifa?" Aeris asked, standing up. "Where was she going? She looked kind of odd..."

I didn't care what she was saying. I sat down and started counting to ten slowly.

One…

…

Two…

…

Three…

…

Four-Five-Six-Seven-EIGHT-NINE-TEN-CHASE-AFTER-HER-NOW!!!

I over took Aeris as I sprinted forward. "I'll go alone!" I told her, chasing after the cart. "You go home!"

She ignored me and ran faster.

Women.

* * *

I caught up to her in wall market. "This place is scary in a lot of ways." She said. "Especially for a girl. So we've got to find Tifa fast."

"You mean because of the rapist gangster guy who runs the place?" I asked her. "I know where to go; it's always the big place at the back."

"You do realise that only his henchmen and women are allowed in there, right?" Aeris asked me as I stormed towards Corneo's mansion. "The only way in is to dress up as a-"

"No." I said. Been there, done that, got the purple dress.

"Well, do you want to save her or not?" Aeris asked.

I am NOT going in another gay bar for some panties! "I have my own plan."

Wait…

That smell…

I made a sharp right turn into the restaurant and made my order as I sat down. "Waffles please!"

"I'm sorry sir." The chef said with a smile. "But the gentleman beside you took the last one."

**WHAT!?**

**WHO DARES STEAL THE LAST WAFFLE FROM ME?**

The foolish fool was a man in orange with black hair that was even spikier than mine, and was eating my beloved waffle like a pig.

I began to dance the _other_ waffle dance.

The one that must be dance before blood is spilt like syrup on my lap.

* * *

"Whoa, Cloud!" Aeris gasped when I came out from the resturaunt. "What happened to you?"

"Shut up and Cure me." I told her, wiping blood from my eye. The damn fiend was tough.

"Well you look like hell." Aeris commented as she started casting.

"You should see the other guy." I joked.

The guy in question left the restaurant with a nice black eye. Yeah, that'll teach him.

Ugh, I think blood's spilling into my lung…

* * *

"ALLRIGHT!" I shouted once Aeris had finished. "LET'S DO THIS!!"

"Good." Aeris said. "Because I found you the most beautiful dress-"

"NOT THAT!" I shouted, storming towards the mansion. "LET'S GO SAVE TIFA!!"

I stopped half way before setting off in the opposite direction. Now where did that guy go…?

There he is! "HEY! YOU!"

The guy who I had allowed to live after he stole my waffle turned around. "Hey, nice to see you again!"

I approached him and glared right at him.

He just smiled politely.

Sigh. Alright. Pride, forgive me. "Please can I have my sword back?"

"Huh?" He asked, before looking over his shoulder. "Oh, this?" He reached over and handed it to me. "Sure, I practically forgot I had it."

I snatched it out of his hand. "Thanks." I muttered before running back towards Corneo's mansion.

Dammit, I am so gonna kick someone's ass over this.

* * *

"Yo." I shouted at the guards. "I'm here to see Corneo."

"Do you have an appointment?" Idiot Number One asked.

"I got this." I said, drawing the Buster Sword and waving it with one hand.

"That's a Big Effing Sword, not an appointment." Idiot Two told me. "Honestly, is he some kinda Moran?"

"Must be." Idiot Number One replied. "What kinda dumbass mistakes a huge lump of metal for an appointment?"

"Obviously that one." Idiot Two replied, laughing.

Wow they are thick. I didn't even bother with the sword, settling for just punching through their skulls and kicking the door down.

"OI!" I shouted as gangsters filled the lobby. "CORNEO!! I GOT A BIG EFFING SWORD WITH YOU!!"

"Do you mean an appointment?" Asked Idiot Three.

I chopped his head off with the sword. "NOPE!" I shouted as his body collapsed. "DEFINITELY A LARGE SHARP LUMP OF METAL SHAPED LIKE A SWORD!!"

Then someone suicidal smashed a bottle on my head. I granted his death wish. "Anyone else wanna be a hero?" I asked.

Clearly, everyone did.

Deck the halls with blood and gore-ore, tralalalalaa-lalalala!

* * *

Forty-three seconds later and I was dressed in a rather fetching blood red shirt and pants and the cream carpet had been replaced by a red one.

Also, there were bodies everywhere.

"Well… that worked?" Aeris asked, stepping carefully around the corpses.

"It was suicide." I said. "No other reason why anyone would try to attack a guy brandishing a sword this big."

"This one had a wife and kids…" Aeris commented, noticing that one corpse had a family photo poking out of his jacket.

"You mean a widow and some orphans?" I asked as I walked up the staircase. "It happens." I said, noting her shock without having to look behind me. "He knew what he was getting himself into when he took the job."

I may be coming across as a jerk here, but that's the world as Shinra has made it. Honestly, I respect the guy for not running off. His job was to prevent any intruders, and he died in fulfilling his duty.

Honourable, but stupid when said intruder was clearly SOLDIER.

I kicked down the next door to see Tifa standing before Corneo's desk. She was happy to see me, but was surprised at what she saw.

Corneo was even more surprised. "Get the guys!" He ordered his two bodyguards.

"They won't come." I said, walking towards Tifa. "Because this shirt was blue when I came into this building."

Oh, how the jaws drop when they realise they are talking to a hardened killer. "Also, you might want to hire a good cleaner. I heard that kidney _never_ comes out." I turned to Tifa. "You okay?" I asked.

"Um, y-yeah…" She turned around as Aeris walked in.

"We came to help, and this is Aeris." I explained.

"Nice to meet you Aeris." Tifa said. "I'm glad you're okay Cloud."

"Uh-huh." I pushed her back as a knife went flying between us and met bodyguard A's face. Hard. "Aeris says hi."

"Hi." Aeris replied happily.

"_Her culture involves throwing sharp objects at each other in conversation!_" I hissed into Tifa's ear. "_So keep your wits about you._"

"I heard that!" Aeris shouted as I turned to Mr. Corneo.

"So, Corneo." I commented as I ducked below the spinning axe, which met bodyguard B's neck. "I hear you got decent soundproofing in here."

"Well, of course!" He said proudly, not noticing that security was dead. "I hold a lot of private conversations in here!"

I nodded. "Only, if you didn't, you would have heard the screams of your dying henchmen as I slaughtered them, then escaped through the trapdoor to the sewers that you had installed in your love nest in case of a situation like this."

I winked at the surprised Tifa. "Stole the blueprints from one of the guys." I lied. "So, what're you doing here?" I asked politely. As if I didn't already know.

"When we got back from the Number 5 reactor, there was this weird man, So Barrett caught him and squeezed some information out of him." Tifa explained.

"And that's when Don Corneo's name came up." I nodded knowingly.

Tifa nodded as Corneo drummed his fingers on the desk impatiently. "Right, Don Corneo. Barrett told me to leave the letch alone, but something's been bothering me."

"So you wanted to get the story straight from Corneo's mouth." I finished, nodding. "But, now you're in a bind, because everyday he gets three girls, chooses one of them and has gruesome kinky sex with them all night long." I stopped there because I just threw up a little in my mouth. Swallow. Blegh. "And you had to be that girl or you'd lose your chance for tonight." Puke. Swallow. Blegh.

"Or, we could just grab him here and torture the information out of him." Aeris suggested. "That way, everybody wins!"

"Heh!" Corneo laughed. "OR, I could just have you killed!" He clicked his fingers.

Nothing happened.

He clicked his fingers again, so I pointed at the wall. "Look behind you."

He did, then screamed as he noticed the corpses pinned to the wall by Aeris's sentences. He screamed again as Tifa jumped forward and slammed his head against the floor. Nice!

"What did your assistants find out!?" She barked. "Talk! If you don't tell us I'll chop them off!" Dude! That's the forbidden threat!

"No! Not that!!" Corneo squealed. "I'll talk! I'll tell you everything!"

"So…" Tifa urged, kneeling on top of the guy's chest with one leg and gripping him by the neck. "Talk." She ordered. I wonder if she realises that Corneo can see up her dress?

"I made 'em find out where the man with the gun-arm was…" Corneo admitted. "But that's what I was ordered to do!"

"By who?" Tifa asked. I don't think she does.

"No--! If I told you that, I'd be killed!" Corneo protested, his nose bleeding. Okay, that is it!

I grabbed the guy and pulled him from beneath Tifa, holding him against the wall by the throat as his feet dangled helplessly. "Talk." I repeated giving him an evil glare.

"Cloud!" Tifa shouted. "I can do this by myself."

"You are aware that intimidation techniques don't really work if the intimidated can see up your dress?" I asked her. She blushed.

"A-Anyway, Talk!" Tifa shouted at Corneo. "If you don't tell us I'll rip them off!"

Sticking with what works is a good tactic though. "Waaaaah--! It was Heidegger of Shinra!" He shouted, his feet running away hilariously. "Heidegger, the head of Public Safety Maintenance!"

Hey, diggerdiggerdigger. "Did you say the Shinra!?" Tifa asked. "What are they up to!? Talk! If you don't tell us I'll smash them!"

"You're serious, aren't you?" Corneo's feet stopped running. "Ohboy, ohboy, ohboy."

I pulled him from the wall and held him in the middle of the room." "I'm not fooling around here either, you know!" He shouted desperately. "Shinra's trying to crush a small rebel group called AVALANCHE, and want to infiltrate their hideout." Infiltrate? "And they're really going to crush them... literally." Ah, he's mixing his military terms. "By breaking the support holding up the plate above them."

"Break the support!?" Aeris gasped as Tifa clenched a fist.

"You know what's going to happen?" Corneo asked. "The plate'll go PING and everything's gonna go BAMMM!!" His neck slipped in my hand from the sweat. "I heard their hideout's in the Sector Seven Slums... I'm just glad it's not here in Sector Six…"

"They're gonna wipe out the Sector Seven slums…" Tifa said to herself. "Cloud, will you come with me to-"

"Of course." I said, dropping the fatso to the ground. "Gonna cost you extra though."

"I never even got chance to press the button…" Corneo mumbled to himself as I realised that this guy was gonna summon some demon thing later on in Wutai.

"Anything else you want to tell us?" I asked him as I crouched to his level.

"T-there'll be TURK'S!" He warned. "They said that they're gonna send TURK's, but that's all I know! I swear!"

So he's not gonna tell us how to defuse the bomb then. Or maybe he genuinely doesn't know. Either way, neck breaking time.

SNAP!

Tifa stopped at the door way, before turning back to me. "Cloud..?"

"Just finishing the job." I said as I rose from the gangster's body. "Let's go."

She was even more shocked about the state of the lobby.

I counted seventy-six bodies.

And to think, I almost dressed up as a girl to avoid this when they all would've died anyway.

Much less humiliating for both parties, in my opinion.

* * *

We ran all the way to Sector seven, and I was surprised that I could only hear gunshots from the top of the tower.

"We made it!" Tifa shouted. "The pillar's standing!"

That's right… Biggs, Jessie and Wedge were arrested… they could survive this…

"Hey, do you guys hear something above us?" Aeris asked, throwing a machete into the sky.

The machete came down and slashed some innocent woman's shirt open. It was one of the most awesome things I have ever seen.

"Aeris, do me a favour." She asked over the squeals. "Inside the bar called the Seventh Heaven is a little girl called Marlene."

Aeris nodded. "I'll put her somewhere safe." She said, shoving a large shield into Tifa.

"Don't Talk To Her!" I shouted after her as she ran in that general direction.

Tifa paled at the thought so I put an arm on her shoulder. "It's okay, I'm sure she'll be fine." Only then did I realise that she was still in her dress. "Do you need to change?" I asked her.

She shook her head and pulled a pair of gauntlets from her purse, and I could see her battle clothes folded up inside. She slipped out of her high heels and into her gloves. "Let's do this." She said as she dropped her purse.

I grabbed it and shoved it into my own mystical bag, throwing in her shoes as well as she ran ahead up the metal stairs barefooted.

I followed her, making sure to loot any bodies I found along the way. Am I a hoarder or just sensible?

Oh, wait. I grabbed a grenade and threw it from the stairwell, and it exploded mid air like a firework.

"ATTENTION EVERYONE!!" I shouted now that I had it. "AVALACHE IS GONNA BLOW THIS PLACE SKY HIGH!!"

"WHAT!?" Tifa shouted from above me.

"SHINRA CANNOT HOLD US DOWN FOREVER!!" I Shouted over her, "SO IF YA DON'T WANNA DIE, THEN GET OUTTA SECTOR SEVEN FAST!!" I saw Aeris rush Marlene into Sector Six quickly, holding a small bag of luggage. Good.

I held the bloodstained Buster sword in the air. "THIS BLADE IS STAINED WITH THE BLOOD OF SHINRA, JUST LIKE THIS PLATE IS STAINED WITH THE BLOOD OF INNOCENTS!" I roared. "SO WE WILL DESTROY IT _AND_ THESE SLUMS!! AVALANCHE VICTORIOUS!!"

I started running up the stairs to a shocked Tifa as the screaming horde began running for their lives. "They think we're the villains here." I explained. "So let them keep thinking that; whatever gets them out alive."

She nodded, agreeing with my logic. "But… still…"

"I'LL KILL YOU!!"

I turned around and caught an overhead sword slash with my own sword. Some citizen decided to be a hero.

"I don't want to have to kill you." I told him, making sure the Mako in my eyes was glowing. "But I will take my revenge against Shinra for what they've done!"

The guy grunted under the pressure and looked up "T-Tifa!?" He gasped.

"She's a hostage." I told the guy before Tifa could react. "I don't think I can keep two alive." I would make a good bad guy.

With that, I kicked the guy in the chest and watched him stumble down the stairs. Someone grabbed his limp body and use a Phoenix down on him before dragging him away "Good." I said, before turning to Tifa. "Hurry! Barrett's fighting on his own up there!"

"How do you know?" She asked as she ran.

"Who else would it be!?"

* * *

"YO AIN'T BLOWIN' UP NO PLATE, FOO!"

"Hey Barrett." I said as I caught up to him as he shot Shinra grunts wildly. "How you been?"

"SPIKEY!!" He shouted before hugging me tightly. Gurk! "I KNEW no kaboom could kill a Terminator!!"

Nyeh? "Thought I was a Saiyan!" I asked him.

"YOU ADMITTED IT!!" He shouted. "I'M FRIENDS WID A SUPAH SAIYAN!"

Ugh… "I walked right into that one didn't I?"

"Here they come!" Tifa shouted as a Helicopter flew up.

"Tifa! Cloud! Look Here!" Barrett shouted excitedly as the Turk's music started again.

"What?" I asked him.

"Dey be flyin'…"

Man, I forgot just how stupid alternate Barrett was.

Reno jumped out of the helicopter, wearing a black hat as he spun in the air before landing with his back to us, then sliding towards us, doing something with his feet. "OW!" Reno shouted before spinning on his feet to face us. "JAMONE!" He shouted, throwing the hat at us.

I caught it. Just a standard, stylish hat. "What are you doing here?" I asked, putting the hat on. It was a cool hat.

"Crashing the Sector Seven Party." He said while humming to himself. "But you're too late." He span around again and danced to the control panel. "Once I push this button…"

BEEP

"THAT'S ALL FOLKS!" He shouted dramatically. "Mission accomplished! Uh-huh!"

Dude, I hate dancer Reno. He's even more of a douche than genius Reno.

Wait, why is genius Reno now dancer Reno? Aren't they the same Reno?

Oh. Is this just the lie he's putting forward to trick everyone but me, since everyone else is insane?

Must be. "We have to disarm it!" Tifa shouted. "Cloud! Barrett! Please!"

"I can't have you do that." Reno said, kicking his leg over his knee briefly. "No one gets in the way of Reno and the Turks!"

I flashed him a quick thumbs down as he flicked out his stun rod. He nodded as soon as I did it; he knew that he was supposed to lose this fight. "It's not a normal time bomb." He said as Barrett charged at him. "It'll explode as soon as some fool tries to touch it." He tapped Barrett as he danced past him, trapping him in a glowing pyramid. Damn, that skill was annoying last time we fought him.

Tifa charged as well, punching and kicking Reno as he dodged around her, attacking with his electric stick thing as Tifa fought.

I just waited for him to get distracted by Tifa's underwear so I could sneak up on him and throw him off the tower. He caught the rope ladder coming from the helicopter, as planned, and I broke Barrett from the pyramid trap thing.

"That was trippy…" Barrett groaned, rubbing his head.

"Cloud!" Tifa shouted from the control panel. "I don't know how to stop this thing!"

"That's right." Tseng shouted from the Helicopter. "Not even a Shinra tech could disarm that. You don't stand a-"

I smashed it with my sword. Usually works.

Tseng stared at what I just did while Reno laughed his ass off. "YOU DUMBASS!!" He shouted while laughing. "There was a good ten minutes left on that thing! Now you got about fifteen seconds!!"

Nyeh? That sucks.

A hammer hit me in the head. "OW!" I turned to the helicopter. "AERIS!?"

"What're you gonna do with her!?" Tifa shouted, seeing Aeris inside the helicopter being pushed back by Tseng.

"Our orders were to find and catch the last remaining Ancient." Tseng shouted back. "It's taken us a long time, but now I can finally report this to the President."

"You didn't answer the question." Reno sighed. "WE DON'T KNOW!" He shouted. "BUT YOU'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME!!"

Damn! "BARRETT!" I shouted as the helicopter flew away.

He was rocking, holding his knees tight to his chest while smoking a spliff. "Spydahs…"

Dammit. I ran and grabbed Tifa, throwing her over my shoulder, then doing the same to Barrett and dammit he is heavy.

The bombs beneath us started to blow. Dammit! I grabbed a convenient cord and swung out of there as the place blew to holy hell.

"I KNEW IT!!" Barrett shouted as we swung. "YOU REALLY IS SPYDAMAN!!"

* * *

**-}+{-**

* * *

There you go, we be back.

Sorry this one wasn't as funny as the others, there just weren't that many opportunities, but don't worry. Next time, we will more than make it up to you.

Sneak preview for the next chapter? Sure.

"Just who the Hell Do You THINK I **AM!?!?!?!**"

**Yeah, next chapter will be funnier. Again, sorry for the delay. (m_ _m) **


	6. The Night Before All Hell Breaks Loose

Alright! Finally got around to writing the new chapter!

Natcat, Alternate Reno is a supergenius. The dancer persona is a lie Reno keeps up to make everyone thing he's one of them.

Anyhoo, back to work guys. Been focusing Waaay too much on my main story.

Mind you, I've been waiting for RWC to get back to me for ages.

**I was busy, get over it.**

* * *

**The Night Before All Hell Breaks Loose**

* * *

"MARLENE!!" Barrett shouted once he saw the wreckage that was once Sector 7. "MARLENE!"

"Marlene is safe." I told Barrett. "Aeris got her out of sector 7."

"PLAYSTATION TWO!!!" Barrett shouted in despair. "PEE ESS TOO!!"

At least he has his priorities straight. "I think Aeris might've saved that too." I told him.

Hey, 0.7% is a possibility, right?

"XBOX!" Barrett screamed in dismay. "ECKS BOCKS!"

Oh for crying out loud… "That got crushed." I told him, crushing his spirit.

"DEE ESS!!"

"That's safe." I told him, pulling the game system out of my pocket. It'll come in handy when we get captured by Shinra later. Barrett took a deep breath. "I saved your PSP too." I added. "Everything else is gone though."

Barrett fell to his knees and started smashing the ground. "Dis is all screwed app…" He moaned, smashing the ground with his gun-arm.

"We managed to save everyone's lives though." Tifa perked hopefully. "Biggs, Wedge, Jessie too."

"DAT'S NOT IT!" Barrett shouted. "Dey destroyed an entire village jus' ta git a' us! DEY CRASHED MAH EYE BOD!"

You mean my iPod now. I haven't listened to Whitesnake in five years.

Though, I guess that'd be a week ago in this timeline…

Whatever. I popped the headphones in and started scrolling through the songs.

"Hey, spikey!"

"It's mine!" I shouted back. "I brought it from home!"

"Not dat." Barrett growled, shaking his head. "What're you gonna do now?"

Oh, right. I pocket the headphones and got down to business. "Since the mission was a failure, I won't be charging, and to compensate for your loss I won't charge you for the unplanned rescue mission I just pulled off."

Tifa looked at me with disgust. "Is your paycheck seriously all you care about?"

At this point, that's what it looks like. "And paying my debts." I answered. "Right now, we all owe Aeris one." I slung the Bustersword across my back. "And Shinra a bigger one. Wanna come along?" I asked. "Save your buddies and wipe out Shinra in one mission, coming?" I asked.

Tifa was horrified. "Y-you're gonna kill them all?"

"Anyone that tries to get in my way." I corrected. "Anyone smart enough to run away deserves to live."

"I'm in." Barrett growled. "Just lemme see Marlene first."

I nodded. "I was gonna head there first anyways. I wanna get one thing cleared up about the Ancients."

'Course, I knew all this already, but I think I need to go through these flashbacks like checkpoints.

**_~{ In my veins courses the blood of the Ancients. I am one of the rightful heirs to this planet! }~_**

Like that one. "Tifa." I said. "There's no turning back now. You coming with us?" I asked.

Tifa clenched her fist. "Of course I am."

* * *

When we got to Aeris's house, we found Elmyra facing a wall. "Cloud, wasn't it?" She asked, not turning around to face us. "It's about Aeris, isn't it?"

I nodded. "Shinra have her." I told her.

"I know. They took her from here." Aeris's mom explained. "That's what Aeris wanted…"

I leant back against the wall, making sure that Tifa and Barrett were learning this. "Why is Shinra after Aeris?" I asked her, since it was kinda important.

Elmyra turned towards the wall. "Aeris is an Ancient." She said. "The sole survivor."

Barrett did a spit take, spraying weed all over the kitchen wall. "Wut di' ya jus' say!?" He shouted, rolling a fresh spliff. "But 'aintcha her momma?"

"Not her real mother." She replied, pulling a mop from her apron and cleaning the wall. "Oh… it must have been fifteen years ago… during the war. My husband was sent to the front. Some far away place called Wutai."

_Flaashbaack_

"One day, I went to the station because I got a letter saying he was coming home on leave." She explained, expecting us to see her younger self walking towards the train station as the train pulled in and her husband not coming off. "My husband never came back. I wonder if something happened to him? No, I'm sure his leave was just cancelled. I went to the station everyday. Then, one day…"

"You used to see this sort of thing a lot during the war." Elmyra continued, expecting us to see Little Aeris and her dying mom. "Her last words were, 'Please take Aeris somewhere safe'. My husband never came back. I had no child. I was probably lonely. So I decided to take her home with me."

"Take who home whit ya?" Barrett asked.

"Aeris." I hissed.

"Din she die?" He shouted.

"No, her mom did."

"In chil' bird?"

"Aeris was four or something, her mom died in the train station just after asking Elmyra to look after Aeris." I hissed.

"She go squish?"

"She wasn't run over." I hissed back, now aware of everyone in the room looking at us. "She just died."

"But, why?"

"She was dying of a gunshot wound or something." I lied.

"Ah, kay." Barrett lit up a new spliff. "Yes can unpause da movie now, Ah ged it."

"Aeris and I became close very quickly." Elmyra said. "That child loved to talk. She used to talk to me about everything."

"Aww…" Barrett smiled.

"What now?" I hissed.

"Dey're hugging…"

"She told me she escaped form some sort of research laboratory somewhere." Elmyra continued. "And that her mother had already returned to the planet, so she wasn't lonely… and many other things."

"Hehehe…" Barrett chuckled.

"What!?" I hissed.

"It's a 'special' hug."

I took the spliff out of his mouth and threw it on the ground stamping it out. "PAY ATTENTION DAMMI- You're smoking another one aren't you?"

"No?" Barrett lied.

I sighed. "So, what did Aeris mean by 'returned to the planet'?" I asked, filling in Barrett's lines for Tifa's benefit at least.

"I didn't know what she meant." She admitted. "I asked if she meant a star in the sky. But she said it was this planet… She was a mysterious child in many ways."

_"Mom."_ A little girl at the top of the stairs said.

"HOLLY SHIZ AHM SEIN DOUBLE!!" Barrett shouted. "DREE LIDDLE AERIS!!"

_"Please don't cry."_ The flashback ghost Aeris said as Barrett ran out the door screaming.

"Aeris just blurted that out all of a sudden." Elmyra continued, ignoring Barrett's antics. "When I asked her if something had happened…"

_"Someone dear to you has just died. His spirit was coming to see you, but he already returned to the planet."_

"At that time I didn't believe her." Elmyra said as the ghost Aeris vanished. "But… Several days later… We received a notice saying my husband had died… and that's how it was. A lot had happened, but we were happy. Until one day…"

Sigh. Another flashback. I had to physically restrain myself from shouting 'WE DONE THIS!'

"WE DONE THIS!"

"Shut up Barrett." I groaned.

"I din' say nuffink."

Crap. "Did I just do a random outburst?" I asked.

"I didn't hear anything." Tifa replied, shaking her head.

"I 'ear lots a dings." Barrett replied. "Like bees." His eyes snapped wide. "Bees? WAAAHHH!!!"

"But I knew." Elmyra said as Barrett ran back outside and dove into the polluted river. "I knew about her mysterious powers… She tried so hard to hide it, so I acted as though I never noticed." She finished, apparently oblivious to our antics.

Crap, I just missed an important flashback. Ah well, all that happened was that Tseng tried to convince Aeris that he was her foster daddy, or similar. "It's amazing how she's avoided the Shinra for all these years…" I said, trying to look like I'd been paying attention.

"The Shinra needed her. So I guess they wouldn't harm her." Elmyra explained.

"But, why now?" Tifa sighed.

"She brought a little girl here with her." Elmyra explained. "On the way here, Tseng found them. She probably couldn't get away fast enough. She decided to go to the Shinra in exchange for the little girl's safety."

"Must be Marlene." I nodded.

"MARLENE!" Barrett shouted, running into the kitchen with a frog on his head. "Ariel was captcha cozza Marlene!?" He took a spliff out his mouth and gave it to the frog before bowing to Elmyra. "Ahm Sorry, Marlene's mah chile." He apologised. "Ahm… really… sorry…"

"Ribbit."

"You're her father!?" Elmyra shouted at him, before turning towards me. "How in the world could you ever leave a child alone with that!? HE'S BLACK!!"

Holy crap alternate Elmyra is racist.

"Please dun' star wi' dat." Barrett replied, taking the frog off his head and holding it like a hat. "I tink abou' it all da time. Wha' would 'appen ta Marlene, if I…" He stood up, still holding the smoking frog to his chest. "Bu' ya gotta understand summat… …I dun got no ansah."

"I wanna be wid Marlene…" Barrett continued, "But I gotta fight. 'Cause if I not… da planet's gonna die. So I'm gonna keep fightin'! But, I'm worried 'bout Marlene." He said guiltily. "I really jus' wanna be wit' 'er… always. See?" He asked, putting the frog back on his head. "I'm goin' in circles, now."

"Ribbit man."

"There there…" Elmyra said, patting his shoulder. "It's not your fault your coloured brain is inferior… She's upstairs if you want to see her."

Dude, what the hell is with this woman!?

"It's my fault…" Tifa said as Barrett went upstairs. "I was the one who got Aeris involved in this."

"Don't say that." Elmyra replied as she washed her hands. "Aeris doesn't think that."

I can't take any more of this woman!

* * *

When I took refuge upstairs, I saw Barrett hugging his PS2 while Marlene slept. "Ahm so glad…" He said. "I'm so glad yer awrigh'…"

Then the PS2 snapped. "NOOOOOOOO!!!"

"Daddy, don't cry." Marlene mumbled as she rolled over in her bed. "Tears make statue Minato sad…"

"PARKER!" Barrett shouted, standing up and turning to me. "You gonna go help da little mermaid, right?" He asked me.

"Who, Aeris?" I asked, surprised at my own ability to make sense of his ramblings.

Barrett nodded. "Yer, Ariel." He said. "She's dun so much fer me… If it's da Shinra yer dealin' wit', I canna jes sit here!" He thumped his chest with his gun arm. "I'm comin', too! Ow, dat hurt…"

Marlene ran at me as Barrett started massaging his chest. "Guess what? Guess what?" She asked. "Aeris was asking me lots of questions. Like what kind of person Cloud is. I bet she likes you, Cloud!"

"AGH!" I shouted, flinching into the corner at the thought. Knives and girlfriends never spell happy times.

"Stupid!" Marlene shouted. "Daddy! Throw the stupid away!"

"Yeah, okay Marlene." Barrett boasted before picking me up and throwing me out the window.

* * *

"You're going after Aeris, right?" Tifa asked me as she picked the shards of glass out of my head.

"Yeah." I replied, wincing against the stinging.

"I'm going with you." She said.

"Thanks." I replied. "We're going right into Shinra headquarters, so prepare for the worst."

"I know." Tifa replied as Barrett ran down the stairs.

"Sorry, but Kenya take care o' Marlene a bit longa?" He asked Elmyra.

She seemed offended. "You thought I'd let her go with the likes of you?" She asked. "How very dare you?!"

"Danks." Barrett replied. "Dis place is dangerous righ' now, so ya best go somewhere an lah low fer a while."

She sighed and went upstairs to pack. "Roll out." I announced, heading for the door.

* * *

"How do we get to the Shinra Building?" Tifa asked once we were outside.

"Dere ain't no meddal snake ding dat goes up dere anynow…" Barrett said, trotting alongside us on his left arm and leg, his right limbs in the air and not moving. "Well, let's jes' go ta Wall Market. Mayhaps we find summat 'elpmuch."

I reached for Barrett's spliff, but he smacked my hand away with his ground leg.

"Offit!" Barrett shouted, hopping on his left hand at a jogging pace. "Dis mah Special grass! I bin savin' dis sin I wa' 'leven!"

"Oookay then…"

Then an old man in a trenchcoat started running alongside us. "You goin' up to the plate?" He asked suspiciously. "You better have a battery."

"You're gonna sell me something you just found?" I asked him, pretty aware of these scavenger salesmen.

"Hey, you knew?" The old guy said. "But I repaired it, so it's all right."

I sighed. "Why do I need a battery to climb up to the plate?" I asked. I honestly didn't remember.

"You don't!" Barret shouted. "Even if ya can't fly, yes can still climb!"

"Why can I climb?" I asked with a groan.

"BECAUSE YER SPYDAHMAN!!"

"Oh yeah…" I sighed. "Hundred gil each?" I asked the guy. I'm pretty sure I do need this for some reason.

"Sure thing!" He shouted, flipping up his trenchcoat to pull three large car batteries out from between his legs mid-run. I passed him the money, and he tossed me one battery and ran like hell.

"ASSHOLE!" I shouted, considering running after the guy but decided it just wasn't worth the hassle.

* * *

Eventually, we reached Don corneo's mansion, since it was, according to word on the street, the best place to climb.

"Whoa…" Barrett said when we came inside. "Wha' happen' 'ere!?"

"I did." I replied, trying to find those helpful children from last time.

"Dayumn…" He whistled. "Hey, wanna see sometin more awesome dan all dese bodies?"

* * *

"See dis wire?" He bragged. "Dis 'ere wire leads ter da uppa world!"

… "And you didn't bring this up before now because..?"

"Dunno." Barrett replied. "Awright! We'll climba dis wire!"

"There's no way we can do this." I groaned. "You know how far it goes up?" I asked him. "And we only got one battery!"

"Dere IS a way!" Barrett insisted. "Look! What's dat look like?"

"A normal wire." I told him.

"Oh yeah?" Barrett replied. "Well ta me it look like da golden shiny wire of hope."

I looked up the wall. "Barrett. Have you been smoking?"

"When isn't Barrett smoking?" Tifa asked.

"More than usual I mean."

"He did run here on his hand." Tifa pointed out.

"Good point." I sighed. "Look, let's go in the morning."

"What!?" Tifa shouted. "Aeris is up there and they're doing Jenova-knows-what to her!"

"Or, they'll have her in a nice, comfy cell while they figure out what to do with her." I reasoned. "I'm Ex-Shinra, remember?" I reminded them. "Hojo's a complete nutjob, but we've got a good eleven hours left before they start any experiments. Tifa, you're barefoot in a shredded cocktail dress." I pointed out. "My clothes are covered in drying blood, and Barrett…"

"SPYDAHS!!!"

"In no fit state to climb this thing." I said. "I say we stay at an inn, get our acts together, and tackle it once we're ready, or we're not gonna save anybody."

Tifa glared at me, then sighed. "Fine." She groaned. "I'll go book us at an inn."

"You are aware that they'll let us sleep until we wake up." I told her, hoisting Barrett onto my shoulders. "Honey-bee inn charges by the hour, so we'll get a wake-up call."

She didn't like that plan, but it was the best one we had.

* * *

I'd already gotten a membership pass from my questionable sources (One of Corneo's dead goons), so reserving a room for seven hours was easy enough.

"Have a nice evening with your friends, Tidus."

"Thank you very much, miss." I replied, carrying Barrett into one of the rooms.

I dumped Barrett in the corner of the room, and checked out our resources. A large waterbed, hot tub, bathroom and a cupboard from which I stole a few chains. Surprisingly, they were the real stuff.

"First thing you do is open the kinky box?" Tifa asked. "Seriously?"

"Take what you can use, regardless of origin." I replied, shoving the chains into my magical bag and tossing Tifa her stuff. "I'm gonna try and wash these."

She rolled her eyes, then locked the bathroom door behind her.

* * *

We ended up deciding on letting Barrett have the bed, since he was stoned out of his head. I'd dried my clothes with my fire material, and was keeping myself busy with Tifa's dress and a needle.

"I don't remember you being any good with a needle." She pointed out, apparently unable to sleep.

"They charged you for sewing up bullet holes back in Shinra, so you get pretty good pretty fast." I replied. "Needlework is one of a SOLDIER's lesser known skills."

She smiled at that. "You've really matured, haven't you?" She asked. "Back when we were kids, you used to just charge into any situation regardless of the risks."

"I've learned to think while running." I replied. "Who says men can't multitask?"

She smiled again. "Hey… I'm sorry for acting… you know."

"Hey, we've all had a stressful day." I replied. "Why do you think I'm sewing instead of sleeping?"

"Hm." She rolled over on the tiles and closed her eyes. "Get some sleep Cloud."

* * *

I did. Only for an hour though.

I never told anyone, not even Tifa back home, but because of the Jenova cells in my blood stream, I can only sleep when my head's a mess. Be that because my memory's screwed up, because I'm scared, because I'm drunk or because I'm just a nutjob, I'll sleep like a log while my brain sorts itself out. Had to spend ages in a wheel chair last time because of that.

Hope I don't have to repeat _that_ again.

Anyways, I snuck out the window while they were out cold and ran a few errands. For one thing, I 'obtained' that thief glove from that 'shop', after 'dismantling' the 'security system'.

With that on my hands, I did a little pick pocketing. Weapons, new shades, potions, money, food, I stole everything and anything from anyone who looked like they could afford it.

Few hours later, I snuck back into the inn and pretended to sleep until we got kicked out.

* * *

The owners were pretty annoyed that we were using it to sleep and not orgy, so I lost Tidus's brothel membership. Ah well, he won't be needing it in the lifestream.

After a quick breakfast, we headed for the wire and got climbing. Soon enough, we were at the top and at Shinra tower.

"Hey spydahman, you oughta know dis whatnot well." Barrett told me.

"Kinda." I admitted as I walked towards the tower. "I do know that the security sucks."

Then we heard gunshots from above, and stepped back as a Shinra grunt landed at our feet.

"Security go splat now." Barrett commented, rolling up a spliff. "In we go!"

"Wait a second!" Tifa shouted. "You're not thinking of just going right through the main entrance, are you?"

"Uh, yeah?" I asked.

"Whut else it look like?" Barrett shouted. "I'm gonna kick sum Shinra… SPYDAHS!!!"

Tifa walked around the cowering Barrett. "Look, what's your plan?" She asked me.

"Look, security is clearly dealing with its own issues." Whatever they are. "We aren't going to get an army for us to mow down, and even if we did…" I lifted a hand and made some thunderbolts.

"Dat's mah SupahSaiyan!" Barrett shouted, apparently better. "IN! WE! GOOOO!"

* * *

Once I smashed down the iron door, I saw dead people.

It had been an absolute slaughter. The walls and guards were riddled with bullet holes, and someone had clearly moved a few bodies.

I walked over them and lead the way to the elevator, hitting the button.

PING! The door opened and we saw a dead grunt tied to a chair, with something written on his uniform in blood.

_Now I have a machine gun. Ho. Ho. Ho._

"Dat's creepy dude." Barrett commented. "You has one desturbical smile Spikey."

"Another dead puppy then." Tifa sighed, pulling the corpse and chair out of the lift. "Let's go."

"Spydahs."

* * *

The lift kicked us out at floor 59. "I am never doing that again…" I groaned, stepping out of the lift.

"Destroy the intruders!" Some Guards shouted. I launched a Bolt spell right into the one who shouted.

"Run and I won't chase you." I told them. One was clever, the other aimed to shoot, so he died too.

I rummaged through the corpses pockets, and found the key to the next floor.

* * *

"Hey, you're not authorised to-" SLICE

"I am authorised to do whatever the hell I feel like." I stated as Tifa snapped the other guard's neck.

"Lookit dat…" Barrett pointed. "All dems guards is runnin' round."

Indeed, there were four guards patrolling an area behind some statues that three intruders could easily hide behind.

"Cloud, you go on ahead and signal us when it's safe to come." Tifa suggested.

"Right." I replied, walking towards the guards.

SLICE

SLICE

SLICE

SLICE

"Clear!" I shouted.

"I meant so we could sneak past them." Tifa sighed.

"I know." I replied. "This way has the least chance of getting caught."

"SPYDAAAAHHSS!" Barrett shouted randomly as he walked across the corridor.

"See?" I said. "Steal isn't exactly an option with this guy."

"ARAGOG!!" Barrett shouted, diving into a room. "HIDE!!"

Tifa sighed. "Look, remember that we're here to save everyone."

Barrett leapt back out of the room. "SHELOB!!" He shouted, then turned to look down the corridor. "ARAGOG!" He looked back into the room. "SHELOB!" He started running towards us. "OH SHIIIIIIZ!"

I sighed, then launched a bolt spell into the empty corridor. "There." I told the cowering Barrett. "All gone, happy?"

He looked positively delighted. "Tank's Hagrid!"

* * *

Interestingly, last time we just pretended to be repairmen and it was easy to work around the place and fool everyone.

Not this time, there wasn't anyone to fool. Whoever killed those guys downstairs really had Shinra scared since everything was locked down.

Thing is, I have the physical skills of a SOLDIER Elite (Well, HAD, right now I'm merely First class), and a really indepth knowledge on Materia usage, so I've figured out how to short circuit the electric locks with the Bolt magic and rob the place blind. Thing is, we still need the card key for the lift or it'll just fall down.

I paid a visit to Domino in his office along the way though. He was the Mayor of Midgar in name only; a puppet head for Shinra.

He hated their guts, and quickly figured out that we were here to screw things up. I promised to only kill those armed and the higher-ups and he loaded us up with plenty of items, namely the 'Elemental' Materia, which would make my sword burn if I shoved in a Fire Materia with it.

Since I had Fire Materia to, well, burn, that gives me a burning sword and force lightning. Just need telekinesis and mind control and I'll be a Jedi.

* * *

I then tracked down the coupon machine and cashed in the tickets that Domino had given me. We cleared it out, then shoved the items into the sack for later, and equipped the Four Slots we'd gained.

We then had to grind our ways through the other levels, and eventually spy on a Shinra meeting. Barrett and Tifa found it immensely interesting, but I wasn't all that concerned, so I scouted the other pipes.

"Come on a mission…" Said a familiar voice round the corner. "We'll blow up Shinra… save the world… Tch…"

I poked my head around it. "Wedge?" I asked.

I almost got shot in the head for my troubles. "Cloud?" Wedge asked, crawling his fat ass through the tight air ducts with alarming speed. "What are you doing here?" He asked.

"We came to save you guys, and Aeris…" I noticed what he was carrying. "Where did you get that machine gun?"

"Corpse." I replied. "Couldn't find one, so I had to make one."

Nyeh? "What, that was you down there?" I asked.

"I made sure to leave a thank you note in the lift." He shrugged.

"Yeah, we kinda found that… how the hell are _you_ causing so much havoc!?"

"I picked up a few things from my pop." He shrugged. "And before you ask, this is only my winter flab." He tapped his belly. "Under this gut is pure muscle. Gimme a week of eating egg whites and I'll be in better shape than a sober Barrett."

"Damn." I complimented him. "Welcome to the team."

"Hey!" Tifa hissed. "They're planning on breeding Aeris!"

"That's not exactly an issue since we're gonna bust her out." I told her, before turning back to Wedge. "Where are Biggs and Jessie?" I asked him.

"They're in the cells." He explained. "Didn't want them slowing me down."

"Get them outta here." I told him, offering my arm for a man-five. "Regroup tomorrow morning at Kalm."

"Gotcha." He said, taking my arm. Man-five's are kinda like arm-wrestling, only with less competitiveness and more mutual Gar. "Later."

I headed back to my team and he headed back down the vents.

"Hey, Barrett." I asked him as we snuck back out of the vents to tail Hojo. "Who was Wedges dad?"

"Dunno." He replied. "John or summat… his las' name was McClane, I know dat much."

* * *

We ended up tailing Hojo to the lab on the 67th floor, where I believe we first meet Old Red.

"Is this today's specimen?" A guy in a labcoat asked Hojo as we hid behind a crate.

"Yes. We're starting right away, right aways." Hojo replied, rubbing his hands together greedily. "Raise it to the upper level."

"Sir?" The scientist asked. "You are aware that we are under attack?"

"Let the nasty hobbitses deal with it." Hojo snapped. "None shall interfere with my experiments…" Hojo started stroking the glass. "My precious experimentses… my… _precious…_"

Creepy dude.

There was some whirring, and Hojo walked upstairs.

"Precious specimen..?" Tifa asked. "Is it going to be used for a biological experiment?"

"Not if we bust him out." I replied, heading towards the stairs Hojo just went up before THE DAMNED HEADACHES AGAIN!!!

Oh yeah, Jenova's there. "Jenova… Sephiroth's…" I grunted, before my head cleared and I got to my feet and strode towards the metal dome. "So… they've brought it here…"

"Cloud, be strong!" Tifa told me.

FLASH

"Did you see it?!" I asked, backing away from Jenova's tub while clutching my head.

"See whut?" Barrett asked.

"JENOVA!" I shouted. "THE THING IN THE JAR! IS IT ALIVE!?"

"Bitch be trippin' worse dan me…" Barrett grunted, before walking over to the tank. "Bitches head be all gone spikey. She dead man."

"IS IT MOVING!?"

"Er… A liddle bit…" Barrett shrugged. "It's prob's jus' da wind."

"In a jar of Mako?" Tifa asked.

I'd crack that open and slaughter Jenova this second if I was in my body five years from now… you know what I mean.

Thing is, if I even touch that tank, I'll pass out and slaughter everyone in sight, so I'm gonna have to let it escape, murder countless innocents, almost bring about the end of mankind just so I can save mankind.

I shook myself mentally and glared at the tank. "Let's go." I grunted, storming towards the stairs.

* * *

Upstairs was a more advanced lab than downstairs, with a large glass tube in the centre with Aeris inside. "Hey!" I shouted, striding towards her.

"Hey!" One of the scientists shouted, getting up. "You SOLDIERS aren't allowed here!" He blocked my path. "This is a LAB! SCIENTISTS ONLY!"

I grabbed his labcoat and pulled him out of it, tossing him aside and throwing the labcoat over my shoulders. "Oh, looks like I'm a scientist now." I snarled, then continued towards Aeris before turning around. "Stop!" I shouted, using my palm to block Tifa and Barrett's path. "Non scientists aren't allowed in here!"

"Aww…" Barrett sighed as Tifa smiled and swiped a labcoat. There weren't any in Barrett's size

I picked up a pair of goggles and strapped them over my forehead before tapping on the Aeris tank. "Hey Aeris." I said.

"Aeris?" Hojo asked as Aeris shouted something noiselessly. "Oh, is that her names?" He turned towards me. "What is it? What do you wantses?"

"To take her back." I replied. "She's my specimen, scientist." Yep, that sounds badass to me.

Hojo laughed. "Well then, as a fellow scientist, let's start the first experimentses! Yes!" He laughed, before continuing his mad boast. "Are you going to kill me? I don't think you should, you nasty little Soldierses, oh no. The equipment, it's extremely delicate, yes it is. Without me, who could operate it?" He asked. "Hmm? Hmm?"

"I'm sure I know how this works." I replied, pulling a random lever.

"CLOUD!?" Tifa shouted as Red XIII rose into Aeris's tank. "What are you thinking!?"

Good point, Alternate Red XIII might be a psycho. "What do you think you're doin'?" I shouted, shifting the blame to Hojo.

"Lending a helping handsies to an endangered species…" Hojo boasted. "Both of thems, on the brink of extinction they are, yes indeed my precious… If I don't help, all these precious, preciouss animals will disappear! Oh no!"

"Animal?" Tifa growled. "That's terrible! Aeris is a human being!"

"And that's not fair to Thirteen!" I shouted, turning on the Mako and sending a very clear primal message to Red.

_I am the Alpha. You are in my pack now. That is my woman, you will leave her and attack the enemy._

I saw the Mako in Red XIII's eyes flash, and then him nod. I then drew the bustersword, set it ablaze, then slashed it into the tank, burning a horizontal cut into it before I jumped up and performed the Burning Braver upon it.

The tank shattered, and I do believe that I can use Cross Slash now. Red leapt for Hojo, who screamed incoherently before Red decided to walk away.

"Re's rather rong. Ri'll relp you aw out." Red XII said goofily.

"Whoa man…" Barrett gasped. "A talkin' dog!"

"I'll ralk as ruch as you want rater, rir." He snapped at Barrett. "But right now, your riend ras just unleashed a far reater reat."

"Barrett." I said. "Take Aeris, get her out of here, meet with Wedge and everyone at Kalm. Tifa and I will finish this and catch up."

Barrett nodded, hoisting Aeris over his shoulder as she started throwing knives at me while screaming in fury.

I turned to Red XIII. "What's your name?" I asked him.

"Rojo ras named re Red rirteen." He said. "A name with no reaning whatsorever to re. You ran rall re whatever you wish, if you rave any Rooby snacks."

I reached into my bag and struck lucky. "Here you go." I said, throwing him a biscuit. "How's Nanaki sound?"

He jumped up and munched it. "Ranks." He said. "Rand rat name is rore ran racceptable."

I can't decide whether I like his new voice, or if I hate it, but he seems to be same old Red XIII otherwise.

Tifa, Nanaki and I turned towards the tank as an abomination stepped out. "Let's get some slaughtering done." I said. "Need some Materia?" I asked Nanaki.

"I rave rome awready, but rank you for re offer." Nanaki shouted as he charged for the beastie, slipping out of existence for a second before leaping at its back. I charged with Tifa, who punched with fire and ice in each hand while I hacked at it with my burning sword. Before long, it had been thoroughly dismembered.

"What are you?" I asked Nanaki as Tifa caught her breath, her not being superhuman like the rest of us.

"Ran informed question, rut rifficult to answer." Nanaki replied as I put the sword away in the magic bag above my backside. "I ram what you ree… You rust rave rany questions, but first, let's get out of rere. Read re way."

I nodded and lead the group towards the lift, getting in.

"Hit the up switch, Hedgehog." Said a voice from behind me as its owner grabbed me by the shoulder. I turned to see Rude with the most marvellous moustache I had ever seen hiding his shades.

"It must have been a real thrill for you…" Tseng said as he walked into the lift with us. "Did you enjoy it?"

I'd already put my sword away and the door was closing, so I complied.

Besides, I really needed to get captured now because of what happens next.

* * *

"You got caught too Barrett?" I sighed, hands cuffed behind me alongside Tifa, Barrett and Nanaki.

"Ah needed a smoke!" He grunted.

I sighed, then turned to President Shinra. "Where is Aeris?" I asked.

"In a safe place." He replied, standing up. "She's the last surviving Ancient… Don't you know?" He asked.

"I did actually." I replied. "I also know that the Ancients called themselves the Cetra, and lived thousands of years ago before being almost wiped out be that Queen of Calamity you have downstairs."

Damn, telling the evil guys their evil plan really unnerves them, even when your hands are cuffed behind your back.

"Retra…" Nanaki said. "Rat girl, is rhe a rurvivor of re Retra?"

"Oh yeah." I nodded. "Well, Half-Cetra really, since her father was a human scientist up north." I turned back to Shinra. "You're hoping that Cetra, namely Aeris, will lead the way to the _Promised Land_." I explained. "A Garden of Eden if you will."

Barrett snapped to attention. "You serious spikey!?" He asked. "SHINRA'S SEELE!?"

"Re Romised Rand? Isn't rat Rust a Regend?" Nanaki asked, ignoring Barrett's raving.

"Legend or not, the prospect is just too damn awesome for these guys." I sighed. "It's supposed to be an incredibly fertile place, and where you get fertile places…"

"Yer gets Mako…" Barrett gasped. "YER'D TURN EVERYONE INTA GOOP JES FER DA MAKO!?"

"NO-ONES TURNING INTO GOOP!" Shinra shouted, clicking his fingers. Tseng responded by inflicting a Vulcan Death Grip onto Barrett, who collapsed onto the floor unconscious.

"Thank you." I sighed. "Anyways, that's why the expensive Mako Reactor's such a necessity for them." I explained to everyone. "In the Promised Land, Mako will just come right out of the ground for them, creating a new paradise for Neo Midgar." I gave a sinister grin to Shinra "Shinra's pride and glory, right?"

"How do you know all this?" Shinra asked.

I laughed bitterly. "You seriously don't remember the Nibelheim Incident?" I asked him, perking up everyone's attention. "You know, when Sephiroth went insane and killed every-"

I got interrupted by a Vulcan Death Grip. Dammit Tseng…  


* * *

**-}+{-**

* * *

NEXT CHAPTER: **ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE**

So, yeah. Hope that'll keep you all happy for a while.

Turning into goop, and SEELE was a Neon Genesis Evangelion reference, and I just did that with Wedge and Die Hard.

New chapter should be sooner than this one was!


	7. ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE

New Chapta time.

And this chapter is special. Why? Because it has the same number in the title as the best game in the world.

The best game in the world is Persona 3. Hence why my best story is about it.

* * *

**ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE**

* * *

Bleaurugha…

Why is my bed so cold and hard?

Ah, right, prison. Gotcha.

I got up and saw Tifa lying around on the bed with broken handcuffs around her wrists. I twisted up to face her and realised my arms were cuffed several times over behind my back; from my wrist to my shoulders.

I ain't getting out of this alone.

I shuffled around. "Hey, Tifa, can you give me a hand here?"

She got off her cot and started removing the cuffs one-by-one. "Thanks." I told her, getting up and passing her Barrett's DS. "Should help pass the time."

"Um, thanks?" Tifa asked, taking it. "Don't have a plan of escape?"

"I just woke up after being knocked out." I sighed. ""Don't expect me to have a plan straight away."

Tifa sighed back and shifted back onto the cot.

I grinned at her. "It'll take me at least a few laps on the Koopa circuit."

Tifa smiled back, booting up the game. "Knew you'd say that."

I headed over next to the wall next to her cot and activated my super hearing. I wonder how Barrett's doing without his drugs?

"The spydahs…" Barrett moaned. "Gerremoffa me…"

Stupid question really. Barrett always has spliffs. I wonder how Nanaki's doing?

"…Ranpa…"

Another stupid question. I walked over to the other wall and tapped it.

I wonder if alternate Aeris knows morse code?

**WHAM**

Nevermind. That one dent speaks volumes. "You alright in there?" I asked.

"Cloud?" Aeris asked from the otherside as things bounced off the metal wall. Presumably pointy things. "Yeah, I'm alright. I knew that Cloud would come for me."

"Hey, I'm your body guard slash scientist, right?" I asked.

She chuckled. "The deal was for one date, right?"

EERRGHGHH **CRASH!**

Tifa restarted the race. "Oh, I get it…"

I gave her a look that said _~ She threatened me with pointy things. ~_

Tifa replied with a look that said ~_ Ah. ~_

"Tifa?" Aeris asked. "Tifa, you're here too?"

She sighed and closed the lid of the DS. "Yup." Tifa then got up and walked over to the wall. "You know Aeris. Have a question." She asked. "Does the Promised Land really exist?"

I heard a mace collide with the wall between Aeris and my face. "I don't know." Aeris said. "All I know is… The Cetra were born from the Planet, speak with the Planet, and unlock the Planet. And… then… The Cetra will return to the Promised Land. A land that promises supreme happiness."

"What does that mean?" Tifa asked.

"More than words…" Aeris replied.

"So… knives then?" I asked, dodging reflexively as several sharp points poked through the thick metal. "Kidding, kidding." I replied. "So, speaking with the planet?"

"Just what _does_ the planet say?" Tifa asked.

"It's full of people and noisy." Aeris replied, after what I assume was her throwing spears into the ceiling like pencils. "That's why I can't make out what they're saying."

"You hear it now?" I asked.

"I, I only heard it at the Church in the Slums." Aeris admitted. "Mother said that Midgar was no longer safe. That is… my real mother…" She sighed. "Someday I'll get out of Midgar… Speak with the Planet and find my Promised Land…That's what mom said. I thought I would stop hearing her voice as I grew up, but…"

"Get some sleep." I told her. "Tifa and I will sort this out."

"We will?" Tifa asked quietly as I pulled out a second DS.

"I bags R.O.B." I said, sitting on the floor cross-legged and activating the wireless connection.

* * *

After a few hours, I noticed that the door was unlocked. However, I ignored it and kept Tifa distracted with MarioKart. Sephiroth is out there slaughtering people and I don't want to face him at my current level.

Eventually, however, Tifa noticed that the light was off and tried to open the door.

It was locked shut.

"Allow me." I suggested, ramming my fingers through the joints in the door and wrenching it open.

"And you didn't do that before because..?"

"Electronic lock." I shrugged. "Might've gotten my fingers cut off."

And now to follow the bloody smear road.

I fetched the card key from a guard's pocket (Couldn't find the rest of the guard though), and got to work busting Barrett and Nanaki out. "Spikey!?" Barrett shouted. "How's you gets in!? Why's der door up? Where's da spydahs?"

I grabbed him and tossed him into the now red corridor. "Da Tartarus's goin' own?" Barrett asked.

"Ro ruman rould've run ris." Nanaki pointed out. "Ri'll ro on aread."

"I'll clean up dis mess." Barrett announced. "Spikey! Tifa! Sharpay! Youses follow da vulpix! And don' git gotten by da beds."

"You mean the feds?" I asked.

"I mean da beds." Barrett replied, catching the mop Aeris threw at him. "Go!"

* * *

We followed Nanaki and the trail of blood, gore and, if they were lucky, corpses, to the old lab where he was kept, and went past Jenova's tube, which now held a large hole instead of a decapitated alien.

"Renova Recimen…" Nanaki said. "Rooks rike it rent to re rupper roar rusing rat rererator for re recimens…"

The trail of blood led to the lift, which we took up to the 69th floor. I slapped my head when I remembered that I left the Enemy Skill Materia there so I grabbed it before taking the stairs to the 70th. Surprisingly, there was a surviving SOLDIER third class in the way, so I deprived him of his weapon and his consciousness before going up.

Surprise surprise, President Shinra was taking a nap on his desk with the Masamune in his back.

"Aww…" Aeris sighed.

"He's dead…" Barrett gasped, suddenly here before us, still holding the mop. "Well ding-dong eberybuddy!" Barrett declared. "Da witch is dead!"

Tifa ran towards the corpse. "Then… this sword is…"

"Sephiroth's Masamune." I explained. "Only Sephiroth can use that sword, so he must be alive."

"Who cares!?" Barrett shouted. "DA END O' SHINRA IS NOW!"

"Me-me-me-me-Oh dear…"

I poked my head around the desk and grabbed a squealing Palmer. "P-p-p-p-Spare me!" He squealed, so piglike I almost expected him to grow a curly tail.

"What happened here?" I asked him, lifting the back of his pants to check for said tail. No luck.

"Se-Se-Se-Se-Se-S-Sephiroth c-c-came!" Palmer stuttered.

"Did you see him?" I asked, feeling around his head for pig ears. "Did you see Sephiroth?"

"Ye-Ye-Ye-Most definitely!" He squealed. There's just no better word for it. "I s-s-s-s-beheld him with my own tw-tw-tw-pair of eyes!"

I lifted his face close to mine while I examined his nose. "You really saw him?" I repeated.

He slapped me. "OF COURSE I BLOODY SAW HIM YOU BLOODY IDIOT! MY BOSS AND HALF MY COMPANY IS DEAD! WHY THE DEVIL WOULD I LIE TO YOU OF ALL PEOPLE AT A TIME LIKE THIS YOU BLEEDING IDIOT!"

I dropped his fat ass onto the floor and he lost any courage he had just mustered up. "And I h-h-h-h- listend to his v-v-v-speach too! H-h-h-Sephiroth was s-s-s-talking about not letting us have the P-P-P-P-"

"The Promised Land?" Tifa asked. "Then what? Does that mean that the Promised Land really exists and that Sephiroth's here to save it from Shinra?"

"So he's da good guy den?" Barrett asked.

"Save the Promised Land?" I asked rhetorically. "A good guy? No way!!" I shouted. "It's not that simple!! I know him! Sephiroth's mission is different!"

Then a helicopter appeared outside the soundproof window. "Th-Th-Th-Th-Th-… That's all, folks!" Palmer shouted, then carried his fat ass outta the office.

"Shiz!" Barrett swore. "I forgottabut 'im!"

"Who?" Tifa asked him, as the helicopter rose to the rooftop.

"Da vice presiden' Ruvio." Barrett said.

"You mean Rufus?" I asked.

"Proply." Barrett shrugged. "Whut we talkin' but?"

"I've heard that his mere prescence silences crying children…" Aeris gasped.

"Ri ronry row ris rame." Nanaki shrugged.

I sighed and led the group to the balcony, where the helicopter was hovering about ten feet in the air, Palmer jumping up and down beneath it, waving for all he was worth.

"MUDAAAA MUDAAAA MUDAAAAAAA!"

Nyeh?

A wooden sandal smacked into Palmer's face as it's wearer landed. He wore rough black trousers and white bandages around his waist. His naked torso was covered in tribal tattoos, and he had a red cape around his shoulders, a longsword in a sheath balanced in one hand, and the other was pushing his ridiculous orange sunglasses onto his face.

"I'm going to tell you something important now, so you better dig the wax out of those huge ears of yours, and listen!" The man shouted, pushing his spiky blue hair out of his face. "The reputation of The Turks that goes far and wide… When they talk about its bad ass leader, the man of indomitable spirit and masculinity, they're talking about me! The Mighty Rufus!!"

Oh for the love of the life stream this is not happening. "So… who are you?" Rufus asked, tilting his head slightly as he pocketed the shades.

"Cloud Strife." I told him. "Former SOLDIER First class: Defected before my promotion to Elite."

"I'ma from ABALANCE!" Barrett boasted, smoking a spliff.

"Same here." Tifa stated.

"I'm just a flower girl from the slums." Aeris explained, that tomahawk she was holding making it all the more believable.

"Ra research recimen." Nanaki explained.

"Hey, that's great." Rufus nodded, before sidling over to Barrett. "Hey." He hissed. "Can you score a fella some weed?"

"Sure." Barrett nodded, handing him a joint as Palmer ran for it.

"Thanks." Rufus replied, patting Barrett on the back before pocketing the joint for later. "Well, let me tell you guys about my old man." Rufus declared, jumping onto the balcony ledge and squatting on it. "My old man tried to control the world with his money." He explained, lifting his head to the sky while putting his shades back on. "Not that there's anything wrong with that of course…"

Rufus jumped to his feet dramatically. "LIKE HELL THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT!!" He shouted. "WHAT THE HELL'S _NOT_ WRONG WITH IT!?"

Rufus calmed down. "Nah, the old fool was obsessed with power, but confusing that with money…" Rufus turned away from us to face the night sky. "He was a coward, ruled like a coward and died like one."

He then span around and pointed at us. "NOT ME!" He shouted. "A true man thinks with his courage! Break through reason and kick logic to the curb!" He roared. "Break through the impossible with your manly soul! That is how Dai-Shinra rolls!"

"Dai-Shinra?" I asked hesitantly.

"Shinra is too small a name to hold such manliness as I!" Rufus declared. "Dai-Shinra will transform this broken world into one filled with manly souls! Their pride burning with passion! OURS SHALL BE A CANNON! THAT PIERCES THROUGH HEAVEN! AND EARTH! AND THROUGH TO TOMORROW!  
"THAT IS THE WAY THE DAI-SHINRA BRIGADE ROLLS!" Rufus roared, the air behind him roaring into flames. "Just who the HELL DO YOU THINK **WE ARE!?**"

Alright, it's official. Rufus Shinra takes the prize for the craziest person in this alternate universe… "Barrett, why are you kneeling?"

"Da true man knows a manly soul when 'e sees one." Barrett said reverently, before standing to attention with tears in his eyes. "Rufus! I'll follow yer ter da day ah die!"

"Thank you, large idiot!" Rufus declared happily, swinging an arm around Barrett's shoulder. "I'm glad to have you as part of the team!"

"FOR CRYING OUT LOUD BARRETT!" I shouted. "HE'S FREAKIN' SHINRA!"

"But… he's a true man!" Barrett protested.

"OH YEAH!?" I shouted, leaping onto the still hovering helicopter and posing on the centre of the spinning propellers as I drew both the Buster Sword and the Hard Edge. "Slicing through tomorrow with burning blades of hope!" I shouted. "Our determination shall render the impossible to but a memory! If you become a wall in our way, we'll break through it with sheer force and will every single time! That is the way AVALACHE smashes through the limits of yesterday and goes on to grasp tomorrow's path with both hands to tear it from fate and decide our own destiny!"

Man, shouting is hard. "WE ARE THE HOPE OF THIS PLANET!!" I roared as lighting flashed behind me. "WE ARE THE ANSWER TO THIS ACHING WORLD THAT CRIES IN PAIN! WE ARE THE PROTECTER OF THOSE WHO HAVE BEEN CRUSHED BY THOSE WHY STEAL LIFE! WE ARE THE CRASHING ROAR IN THE SILENCE!! WE ARE TRUTH! A DREAM COME TRUE FOR ALL THAT LIVES!! **NIGHTMARE TO YOU!!!**"

"Nebbermind." Barrett decided. "Spikey's about ter go supah level two."

"**BARRETT!!**" I roared, my hair and scarf waving in the wind of the helicopter. "**TAKE EVERYBODY OUT OF HERE!**" I sliced both blades through the helicopter and jumped as it exploded, landing between Rufus and the party.

"I'll clean up here." I told them, sheathing the Hardedge in my magical bag.

"Awright!" Barrett shouted, picking Aeris and Tifa onto his shoulders and jumping onto Nanaki. "HI HO SILVA AWAY!!"

"Man that was good!" Rufus declared as Nanaki grunted under everyone's combined weight but still managed to pick up speed. "Looks like there are manly souls left in the world after all!"

"Cut the crap." I said. "You're after the Promised Land and Sephiroth."

Rufus grunted approvingly. "Just who the hell do you think I am?" He asked. "Of course I am. Did you know that Sephiroth was an Ancient?"

"Who hasn't figured that out by now?" I asked.

"Hey, it was news to me." Rufus shrugged. "How about you and I work together?" He offered. "Manly combining is a beautiful thing! The act of two souls coming together, to form a raging inferno!"

I answered him with force lightning, which he blocked with his sword. "So I get to brawl against you instead…" Rufus declared with glee, drawing his katana. "That's a great thing too."

I charged with the Buster Sword, which he parried with his weapon. He swung down as I slashed for him, and our swords bounced off each other, but we both recovered and ran to stab each other, but the two swords slid up each other and we ended up locking blades.

Damn, Rufus was stronger than I remember.

"MUDAAAA MUDAAAA MUDAAAAAAA!" Rufus shouted with pride. "A man's blade is his soul!" He shouted. "And a man's soul is his pride! And a man's pride…" He leapt into the air and slashed down as I dodged. "WILL NEVER BE DEFEATED!"

"Man is not meant for defeat." I replied, taunting him. "A man can be destroyed but not defeated."

Rufus stood up strait and loosened his grip on his sword. "Hemingway." He relied, pointing non-chalantly.

"Old man and the sea." I nodded.

"Now _he_ was a man among men." Rufus laughed. "Grace under pressure."

"We are all apprentices in a craft without a master…" I added happily. Alternate Rufus turns out to be a pretty swell guy. Who knew?

"Yeah…" Rufus nodded distantly, before shaking his head hurriedly. "MUDA!" He shouted, getting back into his sword stance. "We were fighting for honour!"

I nodded, getting back into my stance. "THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE!"

Rufus charged. "FIGHT DA POWA!!"

* * *

Two minutes later, I found Tifa downstairs. "Where's Rufus?" She asked.

"He got away." I lied. I liked alternate Shinra. He's worth keeping alive.

* * *

And now for the bit I like. I plugged in Barrett's iPod and started playing 'Bat Out Of Hell' as I climbed onto the motorbike and roared out of the building, with Tifa driving the truck with everyone in it behind me.

By the time we got to the first chorus, Shinra bikers were chasing me, so I pulled out the Buster Sword and started slicing through bikes. This is fun.

Although, we had to grind to a halt just as the bridge ended, but Aeris had somehow gotten the wheel and the truck flew off the bridge and onto the ground below.

Damn she is insane. Now we don't have a truck to ride on.

Either way, I am not facing the Motor Ball myself, so I took a run up and leapt off the ledge myself and landed in the burning wreckage where Aeris was healing everyone.

* * *

"Well… whadda we do now?" Barrett asked, smoking five spliffs at once and covered in bandages.

"Sephiroth is alive." I explained. "I need to change that."

"And dat'll save da planet?" Barrett asked hopefully.

I shrugged. "Probably."

"Awright!" Barrett declared, jumping to his feet. "I'ma going!"

"I'll come too." Aeris said, tossing a pair of handcuffs into my forehead. "There are things I want to find out."

"About the Ancients?" I confirmed.

Aeris hesitated, then hurled a stop sign at me.

Tifa stood up. "I guess that this is good-bye Midgar…"

Then the Motor Ball roared up to us, but I stabbed it and launched a crap-load of electricity into it while Barrett shot stuff at it, Tifa ripped it to pieces, Nanaki slashed at it, and Aeris hit it with a stick.

"RI'm roing rack to ry romerown." Nanaki said. "RI'll go rit you ras rar ras rat."

"I guess this is the start of our journey…" Tifa sighed.

"It's dangerous." I told her. "You sure you want to go?"

"It should be all right if you keep your promise." Tifa replied happily.

"You know what? This is the first time I've ever left Midgar…" Aeris said absently.

"It's dangerous." I told her. "You sure you want to go?" I ducked under the thrown axe. "Take that as a yes then."

"We told Aerial's mom ter go someplace safe, so Marlene should be safe too." Barrett commented.

"Yeah, she will be." I nodded.

"She said she didn't want to stay in Midgar anymore…" Aeris added. "Maybe it's for the best."

"Then… Let's go!" I announced.

"We needa bossman fer ah jerky." Barrett announced. "'Course only me could be a leada."

"You think so?" Tifa asked hesitantly.

"SPYDAHS!!"

Aeris threw a dart into my forehead. Ow. "I think it should be Cloud." She reasoned.

"Ride be ruch roar rumfterble rid rat rarangerent." Nanaki agreed.

"Right then." I replied as Barrett grumbled. "Nanaki, take Aeris and Tifa to Kalm." I ordered. "If we split into two groups, we're less likely to get caught."

He nodded. "I'll take Barrett, since he's tripping out again. Wedge has taken Biggs and Jessie to Kalm, so Tifa, I'm relying on you to identify them since Barrett's…"

"SPYDAHS!!!"

"Yeah." I nodded. "I'll catch you all up later."

"WHUT!" Barrett declared, handing Tifa and me a phone each. "So we dun' git lost." He then rolled over and went to sleep.

I hoisted him over my shoulder. "Later!" I shouted, setting off at a 45' angle to Kalm so they could take the direct route.

Now to find some Custom Sweepers and make them shoot missiles at me.

* * *

**-}+{-**

* * *

Yeah, we were gonna make this chapter longer, but we figured, hey. You've been waiting for long enough as it is.


	8. The day after All Hell Breaks Loose

ALRIGHT EVERYONE! RWC is slipping in mysterious hints in lines hidden in the script. You need to find them, identify their meaning, and then PM RWC and ask for your prize of warm fuzzy confidence.

**And now to answer some reviews.**

**Mom calling - Aeris never misses. Never. Nanaki is like Scooby Doo**

**Heraklinios - Reno did a Michael Jackson**

**Mystic 777 - Yuffie is a work of art and Vincent is epic… we have no idea what happens next either… we shall let you know when we do… which is now if you happen to be reading this.**

**City of Dis - Sephiroth = awesomeness**

**Kitsune13 - darker notes and laughter are around the corner… if not right in front of you… or behind…**

As it happens, I consider Time Paradox to be an extremely dark story that's hidden by very funny characters.

**I agree.**

* * *

**THE DAY AFTER ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE**

* * *

So after getting hit by some missiles I learnt how to do just that, which is awesome, so I dragged Barrett to Kalm and dumped him near the well while I did some looting before anyone realised I was here. I stole several Ethers from several peoples houses, a revolver called the Peacemaker, a Megalixir, and some steroids.

I then went to the shop, bought some Earth and Heal Materia, various healing items, and some Mythril Claws because dude. Claws.

Once that was over and done with, I went to the Inn, where Tifa had dragged Barrett inside. "So ebewun be ere den." Barrett noted, noticing me climbing through the window to avoid having to pay at the door.

"There you are." Tifa announced, noticing me.

"Is everyone alright?" I asked, looking around the room.

"Define alright?" Wedge asked, pointing a thumb at Jessie, who has hyperventilating into the toilet seat.

"The air… the grass…"

"Isn't she a gramophone?" Barrett asked.

"Apparently her fear of nature overrides her fear of germs." Biggs sighed, shoving a pie down his throat. So why is he skinny and Wedge fat?

I sighed. "Is everyone in one piece?" I asked, dodging to the right as a knife flew through where my face was. "I'll take that as a yes from Aeris."

"So Goku, let's hear ya buttarm…" Barrett said.

"You mean my tale?" I asked.

"Yea-no, da one boat da magic tree anna Chrysler facing da moon and da spydahs."

"You mean the one with Sephiroth and the crisis facing the planet?" I asked.

"Dat too." Barrett nodded, lighting up a fresh spliff. "Let's hear it all."

"Alright, I guess the best place to start is that I never was in SOLDIER." I announced.

"WHUT!?" Barrett shouted, voicing everyones astonishment. "I wun mah fishspines back!"

"I'm as strong as a SOLDIER member so that doesn't matter." I told him. "For me, this all started with the Nibelheim incident. Monsters appeared at the Nibelheim reactor and the SOLDIER members that were already there were missing." I explained. "Sephiroth and Zack were sent, along with some Shinra grunts."

I dodged the Bustersword that Aeris threw at me, then slung it over my shoulder for safe keeping. "Yes, that Zack." I said. "I was one of the grunts sent with them."

* * *

_**SUPER SPECIAL AWESOME FLASHBACK OF DOOM **_

* * *

I'm sorry, what? Last I knew I was in the Inn with everyone and now I'm walking towards Nibelheim with some Shinra grunts, Zack and Sephiroth.

"_It's been a while since you've been back to your hometown right?" Sephiroth asked me. "How does it feel? I don't have a hometown of my own so I wouldn't know---"_

"_Eh. What about your parents?" Zack asked him._

"_My mother's name is Jenova." Sephiroth said. _Ah, flashback. Should've known._ "She died right after she gave birth to me and my father-" He started laughing. "What am I talking about---?" He asked rhetorically. "Well, let's go."_

"Yo, wait a miniscope." Barrett said. "Isn't dat, ugh… da name o' Sephiroth's momma?" He asked. "I remember Jenova. Dat's dat damn headless spook livin' in da Dai Shinra building."

"That's right, Dai-Shinra?" I asked.

"Barrett, would you please let us hear what Cloud has to say?" Tifa asked. "You can ask questions later."

"Kay." Barrett nodded. "Hit da play switch."

Right, back to the flashback. _I lifted up my Shinra face cloth-_

"Dai-Shinra face cloth." Barrett corrected.

_It was only Shinra back then, so shut it. Anyway, I covered my face as a fifteen year old Tifa came up to the group and started talking to Zack. "Are you the SOLDIER's sent here to do an investigation?" She asked him._

"_Yeah. I'm Zack of SOLDIER, first, first Class." He replied._

_Tifa Hmm'ed, so Zack Hmm'ed right back. "Are there a lot of SOLDIER first Classes?" Tifa asked._

"_Really only a few." Zack boasted._

"_Is it only you two?" Tifa asked suspiciously._

"_Yeah. Me and Sephiroth." Zack bragged. _

_Tifa's face fell. "I see…" She sighed, before running off._

"_What a weird kid." Zack shrugged._

_Just to clarify for everyone, I'd left Nibelheim two years earlier to join SOLDIER, having promised Tifa that I'd become First class. Unfortunately, I failed the initial Materia aptitude test because my affinity was for the Enemy Skill Materia, not for one of the more popular Materia about at the time. I was confident that I'd get in since I always had decent physical strength and battle instincts, but I ended up as a standard infantryman, so I cut contact from Tifa in shame, so that was the first she'd heard of me not reaching my goal._

"Man, you are a wussbag." Wedge pointed out.

_Just watch, alright? Anyways, Sephiroth turned to the rest of the group. "We will begin our investigation of the mako reactor tomorrow morning. As for today we will be sleeping early. The rest of you should sleep as well since tomorrow; vigilance will be of the utmost importance. Oh that's right-" He added, almost as if he'd forgotten. "There's no problem at all if you want to go visit your family and friends."_

"_Nibelheim---huh?" Zack pondered. _

_So, I almost went to Tifa's house, but like I said, low self esteem from failure, so I visited Mom's house. Then I broke into Tifa's house and snuck around._

"What!?" Tifa shouted.

"Relax, I didn't go through your drawers or anything." I told her. "But I did play your piano."

"Know what I mean?" Biggs nudged me. I punched him.

* * *

_So, next day, we met up with Tifa, who was going to be our guide, much to Zack's surprise. He and Sephiroth posed for a picture with her, while they argued about it._

"Yeah, I know what kinda picture you're on about." Biggs nodded. I punched him.

* * *

"So then we headed for the reactor up ontop of the hill." I explained after we revived Biggs. "Zack and Sephiroth slaughtered dragons and other such beasties along the way, breaking the rickety bridge. The other grunts died, so we just left them there, Tifa survived due to her mad fall surviving skills, and I survived due to the fact that I'm awesome, I just didn't know it yet."

"Whaddever, ya weren't even in SOLDIER." Barrett grunted.

"Hey, I'm getting to that, alright?" I shook my head. "Now, as it happened, I was a gunner due to being a Shinra soldier, but that didn't mean I couldn't kick ass, so I managed to kill a few dragons with my rifle while Tifa guided us through the caves and Zack and Sephiroth committed genocide against them."

* * *

_Eventually, we reached the mako reactor. "I want to go inside too!" Tifa announced. "I wanna see!"_

"That's not all she wanted to-" I punched Biggs in the face.

"_This area is restricted to the general public." Sephiroth told her. "The complex is full of Shinra industrial secrets." He turned to me while Tifa kept arguing her point. "Take care of the lady."_

_I nodded and blocked the door from Tifa, much to her annoyance, leaving Zack and Sephiroth to investigate the reactor._

"_JENOVA…" Zack said. "That's weird. The lock won't open-- Jenova?!" He shouted._

"_So these are the cause of the operation's abnormality." Sephiroth deducted, tapping the hilt of his sword against the machinery. "This part seems to be broken. Zack, open the valve please." He started philosophising while Zack started turning the valve. "Why is it broken?"_

"Hold it." Wedge said. "How do you know this happened?"

"Good point actually." Biggs said. "I mean, you were making out with Tifa at this po-" I punched him in the face.

"Can't tell you just now, it'll ruin the story." I explained, wiping the blood of my knuckles as Jessie threw another Phoenix Down at Biggs's corpse. "Trust me, it'll all make sense."

"Rid Redder…" Nanaki growled.

_Zack peeked inside one of the pods, and found a monster. "Normal SOLDIER are humans who have been showered in mako." Sephiroth told him. "You're different from regular people but even still you are human. Although, what are these?" He asked. "Compared to regular SOLDIER's like you there's a much higher concentration of mako in these ones."_

"_These are… monster." Zack gasped._

"_That's right." Sephiroth nodded. "Hojo of the Shinra Company is the one who created these monsters. By using mako energy he created these unnatural living monsters."_

"_A normal SOLDIER?" Zack asked. "Aren't you one? He---ey Sephiroth!"_

"_It can't be---I'm also---?" Sephiroth stumbled through his sentences. "Was I also created the same way? Are you trying to say I'm the same as a monster---?"_

_Sephiroth was understandably confused by this revelation and started to storm off, but not before someone else decided to butt in._

"_Ever since my childhood I could feel it." Sephiroth announced as this ominous person snuck in. "I was different than other people. I always thought I had some kind of special purpose. But, I didn't think it would be something like this. Am I even human?"_

"_Unfortunately---No." The mystery man answered. "You are a monster."_

_He threw two fireballs at Zack and Sephiroth, one knocking Zack to the ground, the other getting sliced in half by Sephiroth. _

"_Sephiroth." The guy said. "You were born out of the Jenova Project; the greatest monster of all."_

"_Genesis!" Zack shouted. "So you were alive after all."_

"_In my current condition can you even say that I am?" Genesis replied._

"Wait, who's this guy?" Tifa asked. "I've never heard about him before."

"I'm not too sure myself, but he's also off his rocker." I shrugged. "Anyway, weren't you the one who told people to stop interrupting?"

"Oh, sorry." Tifa apologised. "My bad."

"_What does the Jenova Project have to do with me?" Sephiroth asked Genesis._

"_The Jenova Project the general name for the experiment." Genesis explained. "The experiment that used Jenova's cells."_

"_Using mother's cells?" Sephiroth asked in disgust._

"_Pitiful Sephiroth… You've never meet your mother and the only thing you ever heard was her name right?" Genesis asked. "I have no idea what she looks like, but what I do know is-"_

"_Genesis stop it already!" Zack shouted._

"_Jenova is… a stratum discovered over 2000 years ago." Genesis continued. "A monster. Sephiroth lend me your strength." He asked. "Otherwise my deterioration won't stop. SOLDIER first Class Sephiroth! Angeal was born out of Jenova Project G. Just like me born a monster. Jenova Project S was a project created to make the perfect monster."_

"Angeal?" Wedge asked, then ducked under the flying claymore.

"He was the guy who trained Zack." Aeris said explained. "Carry on Cloud."

"_What is there I can do?" Sephiroth asked._

"_You have no power to create clones." Genesis told him. "Nor does the gene spread. In other words the deterioration won't happen. Lend me your cells. 'Your desire. The Goddess's Gift shall foster a life'"_

"_Are you trying to confuse me with everything you've just said?" Sephiroth asked him. "Or is it, what I have been looking for is the 'truth'?" Sephiroth sighed. "Which ever it may be. Go decay."_

"_I understand. It's to be expected of a perfect monster." Genesis nodded as Sephiroth stormed out of the place. He followed, quoting a line from his favourite play. "'The end of the world is brought by the duel of the beasts. The Goddess shall fall from the darkest sky. Spreading her wings of light and darkness, she shall lead us to our paradise, along with her gift.'"_

"I've seen that play!" Jessie announced.

"Good for you." I told her sweetly. "Now we get back to me, because Genesis and Sephiroth both disappeared and I'm stuck defending Tifa alone against several dragons with nothing but a rifle without any bullets."

"…Oh…" Jessie said, lowering her head.

"Yeah." I nodded. "Thankfully, Zack came to save our asses, then helped us get back to the town safely. I got knocked out along the way so someone, most likely Tifa, carried my ass down to the village while Zack killed stuff."

"Yeah, that was me." Tifa nodded.

"Thanks." I told her. "And before you ask why we didn't just revive the other soldier we'd left earlier, this was before they invented Phoenix Downs." I stood up. "And right now, I need the loo, so everyone else should get some popcorn or something, because the next part is a doozie. Tifa, don't tell anyone what happens, your memories of the event are somewhat biased."

Yeah, like mine weren't first time round.

* * *

"Okay, I'm back." I announced. "So, back to the story. We found Sephiroth the next day inside the spooky mansion at the edge of town. Biggs, if you have an innuendo, get it out of the way now."

"I got nothing." He shrugged.

"Good." I nodded. "He'd found a secret library and started reading obsessively, and before you ask there were no librarians."

"Tch." Biggs grunted.

"Good, and while I remember, that was the day you called him on the phone Aeris." I told her, then caught the grenade she threw and then lobbing it out of the window as hard as I could. Some unimportant person's house caught fire. "Yeah, so anyway, we went down to the Shinra mansion and Sephiroth didn't come out of the Shinra Mansion. He continued to read as if he were possessed by something. Not once, did the light in the basement go out. He was down there for seven days."

"What did you do?" Jessie asked.

"Explored the mansion." I shrugged. "We found this awesome vampire nailed up in this coffin. He wasn't dead because he was still breathing, but we couldn't wake him up no matter how loud we shouted."

"Did you consider that he might've been deaf?" Tifa asked.

"Nah, I can guarantee that he wasn't deaf." I replied. Although, I can't make any promises about this universe's Vincent. "Anyhoo, turns out that Jenova was an ancient, like Aeris."

"WHUT!?" Barrett shouted. "But dat Jenova woman had eyes on 'er boobs!"

…

"Aeris, do you have- Ngh!"

"No I do not have eyes on my breasts!" Aeris snapped as I hopped on one foot. I wasn't expecting a hammer there.

"Well, maybe that's because you're a half ancient." Wedge shrugged, before dodging several hatchets.

"No, because nor did my mother." Aeris scowled. "I'm not sure that Jenova was an ancient, or if she was, then she's a screwed up one."

"Also likely." I nodded, having decided that none of my toes were broken. "Anyway, on the seventh day, I woke up in the middle of the night to the smell of smoke, so I ran outside to find Sephiroth torching the place. He kicked the everloving crap out of me for being a traitor to the planet, and I blacked out."

"_Now is the time for the greeting." Sephiroth stated, stepping through the flames as he cut down some more people._

_Zack ran into the burning town, and gritted his teeth in anger. "This is cruel. Sephiroth… This is just too cruel."_

* * *

_Zack ran up the mountain to the Nibelheim reactor and charged inside, finding Tifa lying on the steel floor in a pool of her own blood with a diagonal slash across her chest. "Did Sephiroth do this to you?" Zack asked her hurriedly._

"_I hate it." Tifa told Zack in disgust. "Shinra, SOLDIER, you, I hate it all!"_

_Zack stood to his feet, ran up the stairs and cut down the door to the Jenova chamber with a single swing of his blade to find Sephiroth inside talking to a metal statue. "Mother, let's take this planet back together." Sephiroth told it lovingly. "I've thought of a very good plan. Let's go to the Promised Land together. Mother."_

"_Sephiroth!!" Zack shouted. "Why did you kill the villagers? Why did you hurt Tifa? Answer me Sephiroth!"_

_Sephiroth laughed. "Mother those people have shown up again." He chuckled, then turned back to face Zack. "With mother's strength and knowledge she should have been this planet's ruler. But those people… those people who took everything. The planet was taken from mother wasn't it?" He asked, turning back to the statue. "But, don't be sad anymore mother. Let's go together… Finally we meet mother…"_

"_Sephiroth! What's gotten into you?!" Zack shouted in despair as he held the Buster sword to Sephiroth's neck. "Sephiroth I trusted you-"_

_Zack blocked Sephiroth's powerful sword swing, forcing them both down into the lower levels of the reactor. Zack forced Sephiroth back and landed on a large pipe. "No." He said, blocking Sephiroth's flurry of slashes. "You're no longer the Sephiroth I once knew." _

"_I am the chosen one." Sephiroth laughed, hacking and slashing as Zack blocked.. "The chosen one to rule over this planet."_

_Zack roared, charging with his blade, slashing furiously as Sephiroth laughed, blocking his powerful swings with little effort. Sephiroth then tossed a black fireball at Zack, who leapt back and launched a Blade Beam at Sephiroth, who easily dodged the attack and flew at Zack, slashing him ap the chest and hurling him through the roof, then flying after him and slashing him across the pod room as the Buster Sword flew out of Zack's hand, impaling itself into the floor._

"_I'm doing all of this for mother." Sephiroth said, walking back into Jenova's Chamber and embracing the glass pod containing the Ancient. "It's okay now mother…" He told it. _

_Sephiroth gasped as the glass cracked, then looked down to see the Buster Blade impaled through his back and into Jenova's pod._

"_Who… who is this..?" Sephiroth choked, looking into the glass to see the reflection of his attacker._

"_Give me back my mother…" I said, pushing the blade further into Sephiroth.. "And Tifa… and the whole village… I used to respect you… Admire you…" Said the Shinra grunt who failed to reach his dreams to see his idol destroy everything the young boy ever had._

"_You… Bastard…" Sephiroth choked as I pulled the Buster Sword out of his back. _

_He slumped to the steel floor as Mako spilt out of Jenova's pod, and I rushed back to Tifa, ripping my helmet off as I reached her._

"_Tifa!" I shouted, picking her up and moving her to a safer position. _

"_Cloud…" She gasped. "You're… finally… here…" _

_I nodded. "You kept your promise…" Tifa choked, struggling to stay conscious. "You… came for me when I was in danger…"_

"_Sorry for being a little late." I told her, trying to give her some comfort._

_Tifa shook her head. "You came for me… that's all that matters…"_

_Then the remains of the door to Jenova's Chamber burst outward, and Sephiroth walked out of there, holding Jenova's head._

"WHAT!?" Everyone shouted.

"_By someone like you…" Sephiroth grunted, flicking the Masamune in his hand._

"Aww…" Aeris blushed, then was shushed.

_I stood up and took up the Buster Sword again, barely able to lift it. "Cloud…" Zack ordered, coughing up blood. "Finish him off…"_

_Sephiroth scowled. "The likes of you…"_

_I charged. "SEPHIROTH!!"_

"_Don't get over confident." Sephiroth told me, blocking my sword blow and ramming his blade through my shoulder._

"Aww…" Aeris smiled. She was shushed.

_I dropped the Buster Sword in pain as Sephiroth lifted me above the ground, waving me around in the air as he walked into the inner chambers of the reactor._

_Sephiroth threw me off his sword and onto the ground. "Did you think a mere human could defeat me?" He asked, stabbing me again, this time in the heart and lifting me again, this time dangling me over the abyss of mako. "Know your weakness…" Sephiroth told me._

"_My family…" I snarled, fighting to stay conscious. "My homeland… How dare you?" I asked, raising my arms with the last of my strength and grabbing the blade with both hands. "I can never forgive you." I told him._

_Sephiroth's eyes widened as I pulled myself through the sword, pushing it through my chest until my feet reached the steel flooring, and then I roared and threw Sephiroth off his own blade. "No…" Sephiroth gasped as I fell to my knees. "That's impossible…" I then forced myself up, the Masamune still impaled into my chest. "Who are you anyway?" He asked in horror._

"_Cloud Strife." I told him, walking towards him and grabbing his throat. "SOLDIER Reject." _

_Sephiroth smiled as he grabbed the Masamue's handle, then twisted the blade in my chest. My hands dropped from his throat and to my wound, and I grabbed his sword with my bleeding hands and started to pull it out of me. "Wh-what!?" Sephiroth asked in horror as I pushed him into the air by his own sword, pushing him higher and higher until the sword was almost out of my chest, then swung around, throwing him and his sword into the mako below. I crawled to the edge to see him burn in the mako with Jenova's head, and then I passed out._

* * *

"I woke up in a tube of mako next to Zack, who was in his own tube." I finished. "As you know, normal humans can't survive in mako, so Zack planned an escape as I deteriorated into a living corpse. We were in there for the next four years until Zack escaped and dragged my comatose ass to that cliff over there." I said, pointing out the window. "He started explaining his story, but since I was still recovering from the mako poisoning, the mako jumbled up my memories of the incident with his, so it only started to make sense in my head around the same time Sephiroth started slaughtering Shinra, so that's the end of my story."

"Wait, ain't der moar?" Barrett asked, surprising me with the fact that he was actually listening.

"Well, he also told me that we were being experimented on for the Sephiroth Reunion project, and I was number zero, a failure, but we got attacked by SOLDIER before he was able to explain everything fully." I looked down. "Zack died there after facing an entire army, dying with only three SOLDIERS left to kill. I took up his sword and killed them, which was when I realised that I now had the physical capabilities of a SOLDIER first class, so I decided to live his life for him, since I'd lost my life goal of becoming SOLDIER and frankly, I didn't want to work for them anymore."

I dodged the flying shovel. "I buried him up on that hill." I told Aeris. "His last words were 'The Price of Freedom is pretty steep'." I looked at her. "Now why were you blushing when I was talking about stabbing Sephiroth and getting stabbed?"

"Well, he burnt down your town, killed everyone you knew, and you still loved him."

…

"Nyeh?"

"I mean, even going as far as offering to father his children, despite the limitations of gender… that's some powerful love."

"What the balls?" I asked.

"And he got up and stabbed you right back, even in the heart!" Aeris added, now somewhat embarrassed. "I mean, even through your harsh words to each other, the love you were both showing was beautiful, and the fact that you had to kill each other was truly heart rending…"

I blinked, then processed just what Aeris had just said.

The Ancients spoke through weapons.

Stabbing Sephiroth in the back meant what Aeris just said in Ancient speak.

Therefore, I just proposed to Sephiroth in ancients speak.

I pulled the Peacemaker out of the inventory and put it to my head.

"CLOUD, WAIT!" Barrett shouted. "DAT'S NOT AN EVOKAH!!"

**BLAM**

* * *

I woke up to find everyone looking over me. "Feeling better?" Jessie asked. "Because we've got plenty of Phoenix Down's left if you still need to get it out of your system."

"How many bullets left in the gun?" I asked.

"NONE!" Tifa shouted. "NO MORE SUICIDE!!"

"BUT SEPHIROTH THINKS I'M GAY FOR HIM!!" I shouted back, pulling the bullets from her hands.

"ARE YOU!?"

"**NO!!**"

"Then what's the problem?" Tifa asked. "Just sort it out next time you see him, it probably won't be that big of a deal."

"Oh, it will." Aeris nodded, throwing a rose into my ear. "Stabbing someone in the heart is a very powerful way of accepting a proposal."

"Please Tifa." I begged. "Just one more time."

"He deserves it." Wedge pointed out.

Tifa sighed, then handed me the gun again.

**BLAM**

* * *

"Okay, better now." I said. "So, Shinra covered the whole thing up, captured any survivors and shoved them into tubes of Mako, tattooed the ones who didn't die, and forged official documents making it look like they did nothing wrong. Tifa wasn't captured because she wasn't there when Hojo and his men came to round everyone up. I suspect her martial arts teacher carried you out of there and treated her wounds."

"That makes sense." Tifa nodded.

"Anyway, I want to know the truth." I told everyone. "The truth behind the project, the Jenova project. I challenged Sephiroth and lived. Why didn't he kill me?" I asked.

"Because he loved you." Aeris reminded me, slapping a wet fish into my face.

"Seriously." I said, frying said fish and tossing it to Biggs, who started wolfing it down.

"Seems like a lot of this doesn't make sense." Aeris sighed, tossing axes around the place. "What about Jenova? It was in the Shinra building, right?"

"Someone shipped it." I sighed.

"Did someone else carry it out after that?" Aeris asked, tossing a monkey wrench at Wedge. "It was missing from the Shinra building."

"Sephiroth?" Tifa suggested.

"And whut about da unicorns?" Barrett asked. "Did dey catch da mermaids dat stole da chocolate king's gold or whut?"

Then there was an awkward silence.

"Damn! Don't nonna dis make sense!" Barrett shouted. "I'm going, going, going, sold! An I'm leavin' da brain work' ta Oh."

"You mean you?" I asked.

"I mean Eee." Barrett grunted, walking to the stairs and rolling down them after tripping. "YO BRUCE WAYNE!" He shouted, poking his head up through the banister. "Let's gadda aye on!"

"Wait a sec." I sighed.

"Cloud, what's wrong?" He shouted. "Yer jus gun stand dere while Selphie knees for da Promised Land? I ain't lettin' no ditz or manly man get to no Promised Land. If dey do, den we're all hammered. Y'know what I'm sayin'!?"

"No actually, I don't." I said.

"I do." Jessie volunteered. "He wants to go on an adventure around the world to stop Sephiroth and Shinra."

"DAYE SHINRA!"

"Dai Shinra then." Jessie sighed. "And I'm coming too."

Nyeh? "Seriously?" I asked.

She nodded. "I'm not letting no gay psycho hussy take- this planet." She corrected herself. "I'll stand up to all kinds of fears to stop that from happening!"

"I'm in too." Biggs volunteered. "Got nothing better to do."

"Just give me three days to get into shape." Wedge announced.

"I'm coming too!" Aeris announced, throwing a rifle into the ceiling.

"Re Roo."

"And me." Tifa said.

I sighed. "Alright, we'll split into two teams." I announced. "Tifa, Barrett, Biggs and I will go ahead and meet you four at the Chocobo farm in four days, alright?" I asked. "And Wedge is leading that team."

He nodded. "Alright." He said. "You guys get some sleep before going though."

Good plan.

* * *

"Hey, Cloud." Tifa asked me in the bar that evening. "How bad was I when Sephiroth cut me?"

"Real bad." I told her, holding my mug. "I seriously thought you were a goner…"

She smiled. "Thanks for coming for me." She said. "Come on, we're heading out early tomorrow."

I downed my drink. "Yeah, coming."

* * *

Next morning, before we set out, Reno gave me a phone call. "How did you get this number?" I asked.

"Supergenius."

"Right." I sighed. "So, what's this about?"

"Well, I thought that you could give us a hint in deciphering a cryptic message Sephiroth left behind in blood."

He left a cryptic message this time? "What is it?" I asked.

"I'm sending you the image file now."

PING! I opened the file. There was a large love heart drawn in blood with a Katana stabbed through it, also drawn in blood.

Written in blood were the words _CLOUD + SEPHY 4 EVA_

I hung up and sighed.

Now where did I leave that gun? Maybe if I hide then they won't revive me...

* * *

**-}+{-}+{-**

**

* * *

**

Don't be so hopeful Cloud, you've got a world to save.

Now, I appreciate that this chapter wasn't as funny as previous chapters, but that was because Cloud was telling the story of what happened in _his_ world. It's a mismash of what happened in FFVII, Crisis Core, Last Order and Rule of Cool, and I'm sure you appreciated the additions.

And next time on Time Paradox, the world is saved through the wonders of Chocobo Sex!

...

With other Chocobos. Pervert.

Also, don't forget to thank Ravenwingcorps for the hard work he did for this chapter!


	9. The Day Of The Turks

Hey everyone!

First off, I want to gave a huge thank you to my co-writer, Ravenwingcorps, who bravely sacrificed his soul and sanity for the sake of this story.

Yes, he made the ultimate sacrifice.

_He read yaoi…_

**No… please… no more… make it stop…**

It's okay man. It's all over now. I'm here for you.

**NOOOOOOOO!!**

Okay, bad comforting skills. Um… go play Dead or Alive Extreme until you're cured.

**WOOHOO!!**

* * *

**-}+{-**

* * *

Biggs was less than helpful in battle. In fact, I would call him a hindrance, since he keeps jumping in front of monsters with a camera whenever Tifa fights.

And since Barrett is constantly off his head, that leaves me to drive these beasties into extinction.

Ah well. We reached the Chocobo ranch without anything overly insane happening, so I think this world might have given up on trying to weird me out.

"Howdy partner!"

That kid has a beak and feathers coming out of his hair and backside. "You here to see Pa?" He asked.

Nyeh?

"Tifa, you go see this kids dad." I told her. "I want to see his mother…"

Tifa then gave me a look questioning me, but the kid just dragged me to the Chocobo pen.

"This one here is ma!" he declared, whistling one Chocobo over.

"Wark!" Ma said.

Scream.

"Wark to you too momma." The kid giggled, before turning to me. "Say hi to ma!"

Erm… "Wark?" I asked.

"HAWK!" The Chocobo coughed, spitting out a Choco-mog Materia. I backed off as Tifa rushed out of the building, looking rather ill.

"Hey, you okay?" I asked her.

She shook her head. "We're not meeting up there." Tifa decided. "No way in hell are we staying the night in that place."

"That bad?" I asked her, glancing over to the Chocobo boy.

Tifa nodded. "Oh yeah." She said. "That bad."

"So, what now?" Biggs asked.

"I've got a couple of tents," I told everyone, "So we can camp out tonight why is that Chocobo attacking Barrett?"

"MAH GRASS!!" Barrett shouted, clubbing the bird with his cannon arm while it pecked at his spliff.

"Barrett, did you buy weed from the redneck?" I asked him, jumping to the most logical conclusion.

"No!" he shouted. "Gerroff!"

"Did you take plants from the space within the ranch?" I asked him, being specific.

Barrett stopped and hung his head in shame. "Mehbeh." He admitted as the Chocobo pecked the back of his head.

I sighed, rubbing my face into my hand. "Barrett, give it back to the chicken."

"NO!" He shouted, standing up straight. "MAH WEED!!"

"It's not weed dumbass." I told him. "You're smoking Gyshal Greens."

"You know, the plants that are full of Chocobo pheromones?" Biggs prompted him. "You're smoking chicken semen leaves."

Barrett's eyes widened at the revelation, then shrugged. "Meh. Grass is grass."

**BLAM**

"D-did you just kill that Chocobo..?" Tifa asked in shock, blood splattered across her face.

"knowun messes wit mah weed." Barrett warned, his gun smoking a spliff.

"Well that's just great." I sighed. "Because now we're gonna have to walk over the swamp and fight the Zolom."

"It's cool." Barrett shrugged. "You'ses just blow it away wit da-"

"I'm not gonna blow it away with a Kamehameha." I told him firmly. "Let's just camp here for the night and wait for Wedges team to catch up with us."

* * *

Next morning, I woke up to see Barrett standing outside the tent with his dick pointed inside the tent. I rolled up and tackled him immediately, then rushed him to some bushes just in time for him to start pissing. "Dude…" I gasped. "What the hell?"

"Ah couldn't find da badroom." Barrett shrugged. "I needed a tinkie."

Facepalm. "Look, just don't do it inside tents from now on, okay?"

"Kay…" Barrett groaned.

I sighed, then headed back to the tank and where did that 4X4 come from?

Cue flying sickle. Dodge flying sickle. Say, "Hi Aeris."

"Morning!" Aeris waved, frying up some breakfast with Jessie. Nanaki was scouting around and Wedge was doing some one-handed press-ups.

Damn he has bulked out.

Biggs then flew out of the tent violently. Guess that Tifa's up then.

* * *

"So, here's the plan." I said once everyone was together and coherent. "We take the 4X4 and drive over the swamp before the snake monster gets us."

"Rat ron't work." Nanaki said, shaking his head. "Rere's ro ruel."

"No fuel?" I asked him. "Did you forget to fill it up in Kalm?"

Nanaki shook his head. "Redge rushed it rear rast right."

Nyeh?

I glanced at the overly-muscular Wedge. That amount of muscle should not appear in the space of four days.

Probably used steroids or something. "Well, is the jeep powered my Mako, petrol or diesel?" I asked.

"Diesel." Jessie nodded. "C14 H23."

"So it's a combustion engine then." I nodded to myself. "In theory, we could stick a finger into the fuel pipes and ram fire magic down there to make it go."

"Or I could just use the diesel that I just made?" Jessie suggested, holding up a conical flask of the brown liquid.

"Or we could do that." I agreed, then doing a quick head count. Eight people.

"The car will only take six people if we don't want it to sink." I announced. "I know that from experience, so two people will have to run it."

"Or you could get a Chocobo?" Tifa suggested.

I shook my head and pointed a thumb behind me. All the wild Chocobo's were steering well clear of us and the farmer was guarding his land with a shotgun. "Chocobos aren't an option right now." I told them. "I got the Chocobo Lure Materia, so we can catch some later if we need to, but the ones in this area don't want anything to do with us thanks to Barrett."

"Yur welcome."

"Wasn't a compliment." I told him, before standing up. "Right then, Nanaki and I will run the swamp while you guys drive like hell. Don't stop for us, the worst the Zolom's will do if we don't attack will be launching us back here, but if they flick the jeep then we're dead. Where did you get that car from anyway?" I asked Wedge.

"Wanted to get some last minute weight-training in, so I took it." He shrugged. "Problem?"

"Nah, that's fine." I said. "Jessie, fuel up the jeep, Barrett and Aeris are not to drive, and I'd prefer it if Tifa took to the back to keep an eye out for the Zoloms."

"I'll drive then." Biggs volunteered, taking this thing seriously for once. "You guys don't die."

I grinned. "We'll be fine." I said.

* * *

That said, I was scared out of my wits. This thing freaking traumatised me last time.

Now, Nanaki's quick on his feet, so I don't need to worry about him, and as long as they drive straight and fast then the others will be fine.

Leaving me.

I took the Fire and Elemental materia from the Buster Sword and plugged them into my chest. This'll stop that things Beta from killing me in one hit.

That said, I'm still not strong enough to face it solo right now, but if I can get it to hit me with its Beta attack and I live then I'm laughing.

Nanaki went first, jumping across the little islands lightly and silently. The Zolom's didn't even notice him.

Once he was across, Biggs hit the accelerator. The Zolom's noticed him immiediately, but Tifa and Wedge took out the ones that got too close with gunfire and magic. Barrett complained about Spiders or something.

Now for me. See, now the Zolom's know that there's something here, but they're hanging around where I want to be, not where I am, so I get a head start.

I rammed the Sense materia Aeris had given me into my arm, and I could see the silhouettes of the Zoloms lurking under the water. Then I plugged the Poison Materia Wedge retrieved from the Shinra building into the Hardedge and swung it around to calm myself.

Midgar Zoloms are freaking scary man, but at least they're not immune to poison.

After a few deep breaths, I charged into the swamp. Two Zoloms immediately turned around and charged for me, but only one surfaced, screaming and lunging for me.

I kept it at bay with some Missiles, courtesy of Matra Magic, but that only made it angrier, and it launched a crapload of hellfire at me.

Excellent.

I turned around and cast Beta right back at it. It didn't do much other than piss it off, but it gave me enough time to run like hell.

Then the other one came from under the water and swallowed me whole.

I shoved my sword into its throat and sliced my way out, running like hell once more.

Why the hell is Wedge holding the dismembered head of one of those things?

"Dude, that was awesome!" Biggs shouted.

"You see that Cloud?" Aeris asked me, launching a monkey wrench at my face with some hedgeclippers. "He took that thing's head off with his bare hands!"

Sigh. I cast Beta on myself to burn the goop. "Heal please." I asked, rejigging the Materia between everyone and downing an Ether.

* * *

After regrouping, we dumped the jeep and walked towards the mines, where we saw that Sephiroth had impaled his own Zolom onto a tree.

Wedge whistled. "Damn, that must've taken some strength." He announced.

"Sephiroth really is strong." Tifa nodded, recognising his handiwork.

"He has a good taste in art." Barrett nodded, appreciating his handiwork.

Biggs was munching on some meat. "Tastes like narwhal." He commented.

"Why am I no longer scared by comments like those…" I asked my palm.

"Welcome to insanity." Tifa joked.

"Can I leave now?" I asked hopefully.

Tifa patted me on the back. "Nope." She said. "Come on, we're chasing the black-caped man, aren't we?"

Sigh. "Right then, into the cave."

* * *

I had to track down an Ark Dragon and get it to breath fire all over me once we were inside. Flamethrower isn't even that strong, but it's useful since it goes a long way and it doesn't use much Mana.

Then I had to find and rob a creepy Madouge for the Grand Gloves and give them to Tifa. Man, having this knowledge ahead of me is so damn useful.

Then we found the Long-range materia. Hohoho.

"SnooPINGAS usual, I see?!"

Tifa turned to face the source of the sound. "Who are you!?" She shouted.

"SILENCE!" Rude shouted. "You dumb-bots wouldn't know success if it bit you on the bumpa! While I, the BARON OF BADNESS, KNIGHT OF NASTIOSITY, am on the brink of introducing myself to the likes of you!"

"Rude from the Turks, right?" I asked him.

"How dare you interrupt me when I'm trying to look busy!?" Rude shouted, veins popping on his bald head. "I'm demoting you to scrub monkey third class!" He told me angrily. "Now go and mop up the dungeons!"

"You aware that I don't work for you, right?" I asked.

"Shut up!" He shouted. "I'm the boss, I can demote whoever I want!"

"Sir, please stop!" Elena shouted, running into view with a shirt that would be very open if it wasn't for the fact that it was tied together around her chest. "If you get angry, you'll turn into the Hulk!"

"HOLY SHIZ, HE'S BRUCE BANNER!?"

"I thought that applied to everyone…" Elena said sheepishly, her hands brushing the leather strap tied around her waist.

"You nincombot!" Rude shouted at Elena. "You don't even have the brain cells to button your own shirt, and you lecture me, the grrrreat doctor Rude about science!?" Rude stormed off. "You talk to them you… you ignoramable woman!"

"I'm Elena, the newest Turk." She explained happily once he was gone. Why the hell does she have a tie down her chest if her shirt is open? "I'm filling in for Reno, and I can tie my own tie! Look!" She declared proudly. "My knot tying skills are why I got promoted to the Turks!"

She looked back up and glared at us. "Well, whatever, our job is to find out where Sephiroth is hiding, but in a few hours, the sun will rise."

"You don't really have to explain our orders to them Elena."

A quick look down showed Tseng drilling through the floor. What the hell.

"Oh crap it's the boss." Elena exclaimed as Tseng crawled from the floor. "Sorry sir!" She apologised, bowing and revealing that she wasn't wearing a bra. I think she can't secure anything without using a knot, but I'm not sure.

"Beloved - it means one who is loved…"

"Oh come on!" Wedge shouted. "This is turning into a freaking party!"

"Who's there?" Tseng shouted as Elena punched Biggs in the face for doing something inappropriate. "Come on out!"

"Do you like pain?" Asked a guy in a red trench coat and cat-ears as he flicked through his book. "People like that are called masochists."

Nyeh?

Tseng clenched his drill. "Genesis!" He shouted.

Wait, he's Genesis?

"How do you know me?!" He shouted, flicking the pages as he glared at me. "Who the hell are you?! A kidnapper?! A pervert?!"

"WHAT THE HELL!?" I shouted, before shaking my head rapidly. This world is crazy, remember that. "Genesis, I thought you were dead!?" I asked him.

He chuckled. "In this dark world the stupid sure are happy…"

…

"WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING!?"

He grinned. "Let's go make some memories."

I would have shot him with Wedges gun right there and then if he hadn't just fallen backwards down the mine shaft.

…

"So, erm… what just happened?" Tifa asked uncertainly.

"Elena." Tseng said.

She clicked her heels and stood to attention. "Yes oh lord and master!"

"Go after Sephiroth with Rude." He said. "His tracks show that he's headed for Junon Harbour." He then got to his knees and started drilling. "I'll go look for Genesis."

"Very well… but just you wait, hedgehog." Rude warned me as Elena ran towards the ladder. "I'll be back with a truly malicious scheme to get back at you for what you did to Reno… hyuk hyuk hyuk." He laughed sinisterly, heading for the ladder that Elena just jumped down. "Let's go steal candy from a hundred babies!" He told her excitedly.

"Focus on the mission." She reprimanded him.

"Rrr…" Rude snarled. "I!! HATE THAT!! HEDGEHOG!!"

…

"Alright, seriously." Tifa asked. "What just happened?"

"Welcome to the insanity." I told her as I began climbing up a wall for a Mind Source.

* * *

We let the Turks get a five minute head start so we wouldn't have to travel together, then we set off behind them.

Or at least, we would have, but Tseng popped out of the ground again, face and suit covered in dirt. "Cloud. Long time no see." He said, pulling up his glowing goggles. "Looks like you and Aeris got away from Shinra for a while, now that Sephiroth reappeared."

"You saying I should be grateful to Sephiroth?" I asked him as he got ot his feet and brushed the worst of the dirt from his suit.

"Oh, I'm sure that it was just a favour between two lovers." He smirked, ducking as I swung the blade for his head. "My, you're rather touchy on that subject, aren't you?" He asked, dodging back against my sword, then charging with his drill.

He broke through the Hardedge with ease. "If you want to thank him, head for Junon." He said. "I'm sure that Sephy would love to-"

He shut up because five daggers appeared in his drill arm. Each one had a note.

_Only_

_Cloud-kun_

_Calls_

_Me_

_Sephy_

"Oh, he's good." Aeris nodded, taking notes on a jotter. "Attach… notes… for… easy… translation…"

And now she's getting ideas. Great.

"Well then." Tseng said once he tugged the blades out of his arm and cast a quick Cure. "I'll be seeing you later, and you lot are being awfully quiet."

I turned around, and everyone except from Tifa, Biggs and Aeris, who were furthest from Barrett, had passed out from the fumes. "Well, I'd best be off before you ignite the methane." Tseng decided before drilling into a wall, blocking the tunnel after him.

Biggs quickly put the spliff out and waved the smoke away. "Hey, is everyone okay?" He asked, accidentally stepping on Nanaki's tail.

"RYDAHS!!"

* * *

Once we got everyone out of there, I went scouting with Biggs while Tifa and Aeris attended to the Rehab of our junkies.

Anyway, we found a pack of Capparwires, which were destroyed by a few missile blasts from my back,

Then came the fireball from behind.

I quickly dodged and launched a Flamethrower back, just to figure out who I was fighting.

Then Biggs tackled me and several knives flew through where my head just was. We rolled up and he drew a shortsword as I drew the Buster sword, since Hardedge had smashed.

"We're fighting a ninja." Biggs reported. Wait, Yuffie? "Be on your guard."

But, Yuffie isn't this competent…

Then came the wind blades. I blocked them with the Buster sword, the one sword I have that I can guarantee will not break, but the wind attack still came from no where and tore open a three deep gashes in the ground.

Biggs then blocked a large shuriken with his shortsword. Yeah, that's Yuffie's alright-

Why did he just kick under the shuriken and why did someone come flying out?

I quickly got with the programme and swung the Buster sword at her, the Long Range materia covering the blade with a blue glow and extending it so the blade reached our opponents throat as she raised her head.

It was a young woman in a dark blue suit and short black hair covering her eyes and face, but I'd recognise that mouth anywhere.

"Yuffie?" I asked her.

She looked up at me and glared, before doing something with her hands and turning into a log. "Ooh, Logged!" Biggs laughed, before turning around and throwing his sword into the trees.

"AH!" Yuffie shouted, and we chased after her.

Biggs grabbed me and told me to look down, and there was a trail of blood on the leafy ground.

"It's a decoy." He told me, and I nodded.

I amped up the Sense materia, something that might have helped earlier, and I gestured to the right.

We followed that track, and soon enough we found a new, real trail.

So Yuffie's competent in this world, but she still doesn't have any cure materia…

I then raised my hand to catch the bolt spell, countering it with one of my own, then jumped into the trees and bounced off a branch and tackled her mid-air.

We landed in a roll, and she kicked herself away from me just as Biggs grabbed her and forced her to the ground with a knife to her throat. She gasped as Biggs's sword went all the way through her leg, but he didn't take it any easier on her.

Damn, I'd forgotten that I was only in AVALANCHE as a back-up in case they bumped into SOLDIER. For all their crazy, each member is a competent fighter when they need to be.

"Hey, wait…" Yuffie said cautiously. "Are… Are you… Biggs Darklight?"

Wait, that's his surname? "Who wants to know?" He replied, pressing his knife against her throat and drawing blood barely.

"Y-Yuffie Kisaragi…" She gasped as I walked over and began to see to her leg. "I- I thought you'd disappeared after the NGH!!"

"Sorry." I apologised, tossing the bloody sword aside and getting my Cure on.

"After the war…" Yuffie finished. "I… Joined the Turks… to find out what… happened to you…"

Nyeh? "Why would you want to find Biggs?" I asked her, standing to my feet.

"Darklight is a… legendary ninja of Wutai…" Yuffie explained as Biggs growled. "He was… unstoppable…"

"Biggs?" I asked, unsure of what to make of the situation.

"I was outside of Wutai on a mission during the war." He told me. "That's why I joined AVALANCHE… to make things right."

"Please…" Yuffie begged. "Let me train under you."

Nyeh?

Biggs stood up and let her get to her feet, but she instead bowed humbly at his feet. "Please master… teach me your arts…"

"I don't have time to take a student." He growled, walking away. I grabbed him. "What?" He snapped.

"She's strong." I told her. "She knows what she's doing, and she looks like she's freaking prepared to be pretty damn loyal to you." I told her. "We need power."

"I don't have time to teach a disciple." He snapped back.

I turned him around.

Yuffie was still bowing with her face in the dirt.

"Besides." I reasoned, trying to seal the deal. "Now you have an excuse to use your ninja skills for mischief."

He thought about it. "We need to stop by a hot spring if we're doing this."

"Done." I said, praying that Tifa doesn't find out that I gave the permission. "But I know nothing of this arrangement and you can't take direct advantage of Yuffie."

He gave me a look that said _~ What the hell? ~_

"What the hell?" He asked. "What kind of sicko would I be if I used a woman like that?" He asked, before turning around to Yuffie. "Initiation test." He told Yuffie, who raised her head with delight. "To the west are two women dealing with some drugged people." He explained. "Bring me their underwear."

"Yes master." Yuffie said before vanishing into the darkness.

"I thought you weren't some kind of sicko?" I asked him.

"Pervert, Voyeur, Sexual Deviant, sure." Biggs admitted. "Never a rapist of any level. I care for those I prey upon."

"It is done master." Yuffie reported, offering two bras and two pairs of panties.

Wow that was fast.

"Well done my student." He announced, grabbing them and taking deep breaths. "Well done indeed."

I have created a monster.

* * *

**-}+{-**

* * *

An awesome monster.

So, yeah. Junon next chapter, whenever RWC recovers from his trauma.

**I am currently being fitted for a straight jacket and booking my room in the nut house due to the fact we need more material for Genesis later.**

Unless one of you volunteers to read the manga Loveless and pick out lines as ordered by RWC in order to speed up the next chapter.

**PLEASE! One of you has to enjoy it! DON'T LET ME SUFFER THAT PAIN AGAIN!!!**

Yeah, just PM me or volunteer if you would like that role. I tried it, but had to stop and watch Code Geass to recover the damage after one chapter.


	10. The Day Sephiroth Shows Up

Hey everyone, new chapter time.

Yeah, I've finished my main story, so I'll be working more on this story now.

Slicerness, RWC sacrificed himself to gain material for the story. But thankfully, Natcat5 has volunteered to help! HOORAY FOR NATCAT

Mom Calling, Genesis is quoting a manga called Loveless in this story. It also happens to be about gay people, so he comes across as gay in this story.

Now, onto Junon.

* * *

**-}+{-**

* * *

Junon was, as usual, a broken down port town. "This place really is a sad sight." I commented.

"Shin-Ra turned such a peaceful place into this." Biggs grunted, clenching his fist.

"They caused so much pollution here…" Tifa sighed.

"Spydahs." Barrett nodded as he dragged the cart of drugged bodies.

"Is… he always like that?" Yuffie asked aloud.

"Pretty much." Tifa replied. She had been somewhat annoyed about the theft of her underwear, Aeris even passing out, but she'd been somewhat civil about the whole thing.

"Hey, blondie!" Shouted an old man. I turned to look at him and he shoved a wad of papers into my chest. "This is my Life's work, LOVELESS, it's a Poem." He explained. "I want you to get it published. My name is Veld, Or Verdot if you think it'll attract more young ladies."

I took the papers. "Loveless…" I said aloud.

"My life's work." The old man said proudly.

I did the whole world a favour and burnt it there and then. "NOOOOOOO!!!"

Unfortunately, one paper floated away and Barrett caught it. "And der gift of da goddass is giben by one wit green 'air." He read. "Da gift O' da eyes grant obedience. One friend betrays another, taking 'is place, hidden behind da false face." He rolled it up into a spliff and lit it. "Plagiarism."

"I- what?" Veld gasped.

"You erd." Barrett replied. "Dat's Code Geass dat is."

The old man collapsed to his knees against a building, then grabbed a piece of rope and began fashioning a noose. "Um… should we…?" Yuffie began.

"Those with no will to live do not deserve life." Biggs told her. "Remember that."

Yuffie scribbled his words down onto a jotter. "Yes master." She replied.

* * *

We dumped the unconscious people at an inn with Tifa and Biggs while I led Aeris, Barrett, and Yuffie down to the beach. Biggs had told Yuffie that I was the team leader, so even though he was her teacher, I was the group leader and she would do well to follow my orders and learn from me.

I, meanwhile, had to find a young girl who was trying to teach a dolphin to talk and save her from drowning.

_Durun_

Huh?

_Durun_

That can't be good.

_Dundun dundun dundun dundun_

"Here Bruce!"

A shark leapt out of the water and rushed for the young girl. I ran forwards, but the shark stopped just before swallowing her whole. "My name is… Pri-scil-la!" She told the shark. "Now you say it!"

Believe it or not, she's slightly saner than she was in my world, if only because she has better sense when it comes to names.

"Who are you guys?" She asked. "Are you members of the Dai Shinra?"

"No you're wrong!" Aeris shouted and I caught the pickaxe she just threw.

There was a note attached. _We have nothing to do with the Shinra._

"Dai Shinra." Barrett corrected.

"Dai Shinra then." Aeris sighed.

"I don't believe you!" Priscilla shouted. "Get out of here!"

Then the Bottomswell burst from the water. "OOGABOOGA!" It shouted, grabbing the girl and throwing her under the water.

Yes, it actually shouted Oogabooga and threw the girl under the water.

"Aeris, can you swim?" I asked.

"N-No…" She said.

"Right then." I sighed, pulling the Long Range materia out of the Buster sword and tossing it to her. "You three take it, Yuffie to lead the attack. I'll save the girl. If one of you gets caught in a whirlpool, just cast fire on it, it'll disappear."

Before anyone could protest, I dived in and swam after the girl.

* * *

By the time I dragged her to the surface, Wedge had ripped the bottomswell to pieces with a girder, leaving me to give the girl CPR.

See, the thing with drowning is that even if you give them a phoenix down, it doesn't change the fact that her lungs are filled with water, so she'll just drown again.

Pretty soon though, Priscilla coughed up the water and woke up, and we got beds for the night.

* * *

Next morning, Tifa woke me up and dragged me outside to check out the trumpet fanfare. "Yuffie said that girl regained consciousness." Biggs pointed out, standing on the ceiling of the balcony.

"Doesn't it seem a little strange?" Tifa asked. "Everything getting so noisy all of a sudden..?"

"Seems like something's goin' on up there!" Biggs nodded.

"Does this have something to do with the Shinra?" Jessie asked, coming from behind.

"Likely." I replied.

"Spydahs." Barrett groaned.

"Yuffie looked into that." Biggs reported. "For most people if they are continually exposed to something they build up a tolerance, Barrett built up a weakness instead."

I laughed. "Sounds like it." I said, then turning back into the room and looking at everyone. "Alright, listen, we're gonna split into three teams, lead by me, Wedge and Biggs." I told them. "I'll take Jessie and Aeris, and you two pick out everyone else between you."

"Bags Tifa and Nanaki." Wedge announced, leaving Biggs with Yuffie and Barrett, much to his dismay.

* * *

On the way down, I bumped into Priscilla. "Are you all right now?" I asked her.

"Umm… thanks for helping… I'm sorry, I mistook you for one of those Dai Shinra…"

"It's fine." I told her. Come on, come on, give me the Shiva already so we can get out of here…

"I'll give you something SPECIAL!" She shouted. "It's an amulet. Take good care of it, ok?"

YES!

* * *

We all ran down to the beach, and I remembered something bad.

The only way up is through the high-voltage tower, then to activate the lift from above so the others can get up.

I handed Shiva to Aeris and Chocomog to Jessie. "New plan." I said, ignoring everyone's conversations. "I'll lead Yuffie through here and open the way for the rest of you. Jessie, Aeris, split up into Biggs and Wedges teams."

Aeris went to Wedge after tossing me a longsword and Jessie walked over to Biggs. Yuffie, however, didn't move. "I stay with my master." She said.

"Yuffie, go with Cloud." Biggs ordered her. "He leads this team, and you're part of the team now." He thought of how to put this to her. "Consider his orders as second to mine."

"Understood." Yuffie nodded, then stepping through everyone.

She'd changed out of her suit, now wearing a black, skin tight bodysuit that completely covered her up to her neck, which was covered with a dark green scarf. She also wore some dark brown shorts that were covered in pockets, presumably for knives and explosives.

"Oh, yeah." Jessie remembered, passing me a whistle. "Priscilla said that she's trained Bruce to jump whenever she blows this whistle, so if you swim to the tower, then the shark will get you most of the way."

"I will be fine ascending myself." Yuffie replied quickly.

"I'd rather trust common sense than a girl with a shark." I decided, handing Yuffie my phone. "Hold onto this so it doesn't get wet."

"Understood." She said, leaping into the air.

I plugged the Elemental materia to the Bolt materia and dived into the water, frying several fish and a shark as I approached the tower.

* * *

Once I climbed to the top, Yuffie had changed back into her Turks uniform and handed me a SOLDIER second class uniform. "We can move more freely dressed like this." She reasoned.

I was actually looking forward to dressing back in the old grunt uniform and going on parade, but this way is much more efficient. I quickly got changed and donned the helmet to hide my face.

I then gave Yuffie a quick list of things to gather from the various shops around Junon, specifically several Revive materia, while I went questing for the second Enemy Skill materia.

* * *

I got a shocking amount of respect and anonymity dressed as a second class. People stayed out of my way, but they didn't question my existence like when I was dressed as a first class.

That said, red is not my colour. I prefer blue or black any day. Hell, even white suits me better than red.

Ah well. At least I have the mask.

* * *

Once I regrouped with Yuffie, I quickly transferred the skills from the two Enemy Skill materia over to each other, and handed the new one to Yuffie.

Then we headed off to hi-jack the lift.

Yuffie had arranged several uniforms and fake ID's for everyone, so it was a simple matter of her jumping off the cliff and leading them back to the platform up here.

Apparently, I'm Van Mustang, SOLDIER second class. Nice.

* * *

Everyone was dressed in standard Shinra uniform, except for Biggs who had the new Dai Shinra uniform: black with a burning skill emblazoned on the back, and Barrett got a sailor's uniform.

"Hello sailor." I laughed. This was just as funny as last time.

"Dat's private Hugh Jass to you spikey." Barrett snapped.

So Yuffie does have a sense of humour. Nice…

"Alright Yuffie." I told her. Our cover is that ee're your personal team, investigating if AVALANCHE has infiltrated the boat that Rufus Shinra's getting on."

She glanced at me. "How do you know Shinra's getting on the boat?"

I put a hand to my ear to point out that the fanfare had changed. Now it was some rock guitar while an male choir rapped about their manly souls.

"Stop saluting, Jass." Wedge warned Barrett.

"Spydahs."

I sighed. "Lead the way Yuffie."

* * *

Once we were on the boat, I said that I'd go report to Rufus alone. Everyone spread out, and I headed for his cabine.

"MUDA!" He shouted when I knocked on his door. "True men never knock!"

I kicked the door down. "BETTER!" He shouted. "But you should have knocked the wall down."

"Sorry." I apologised, picking the door from the floor and returning it onto its hinges. "I need a word."

"Osu?" He asked, then grinned as I removed my helmet. "Cloud!" He shouted, dashing over and slapping me over the back. "My best mate! What can I do for you?"

"My friends and I are stowaways." I told him. "And I'd prefer it if we didn't have to waste any manly souls over any arguments."

"Hey, I see no reason to rock the boat." Rufus replied, before stopping himself. "Actually, no, WE SHALL ROCK THIS BOAT!!" He declared. "LET THERE BE ROCK!!"

"I'll trade a Marshall Amp for my friends safe passage." I told him, pulling said amp out of the bag.

"SOLD!" He declared. "I'll even give you some change!"

And change he gave me. A pair of his trademark glasses, some HP materia, which I think makes it harder for you to die, an Ifrit materia, and a kickass sword called the Force Eater.

I slung it over my back, and he hit the PA. "YO!" He shouted into it. "MY MATE CLOUD HERE'S BROUGHT SOME OF HIS BUDDIES ONTO THE BOAT, AND WE'RE GONNA HAVE A PARTY!!"

Nyeh wait what!?

Rufus gave me a huge thumbs up. "SO LET'S BUST OUT THE BARBEQUES AND TURN THIS FERRY INTO A PARTY BOAT! WOOHOO!!!"

He cut the PA as people cheered. "Come on!" He shouted, slinging an arm around my shoulder. "Let's get you changed into something you can PARTY IN!!"

* * *

And that's why I'm in cool shades, swimming shorts and an open Hawaiian shirt on a Shinra boat while everyone's rocking out.

I wasn't the only one who had gotten changed. Tifa was wearing a halter-neck swimsuit, which makes perfect sense considering her scar. Everyone else was in a some form of swimming gear except for Nanaki, who's a member of the Gi tribe, and Barrett, who's busy smoking something.

Yes, even Yuffie was in a bikini. I guess that she still considers herself a Turk.

I had Force Stealer slung across my back, because my Jenova-dar has been going crazy this whole party.

And no wonder, because we fought Jenova's arm here last time.

Sephiroth's here.

So while everyone's enjoying myself, I'm scouting out the guests, because one of them…

"CLOUD-KUN!!"

I turned around to get tacked by a rather hot woman in silver hair. "I missed you so much…" She said, rubbing her cheeks into my chest.

Wait…

She crawled up my and looked into my eyes.

No…

Hers were full of Mako.

No this is not happening.

"S-Sephiroth!?" I shouted.

The party turned silent, and everyone looked at me and the woman straddling me.

"Aw, mother messed you up good, didn't she…" She said, stroking my face. "I'm sorry baby…"

I slid out from under her and got to my feet. "Messed ME UP!?" I shouted. "YOU SLAUGHTERED MY HOME VILLAGE!!"

Sephiroth stood up and scratched the back of her head. "Yeah… my bad." She smiled awkwardly and bonked the top of her head. "Sorry?"

I glared at her as AVALANCHE rushed to grab weapons. "What're you planning?" I asked her. Even though she's Sephiroth, there's a slim chance that she isn't evil.

Yeah, she slaughtered a load of people, but I'm in no position to judge people based on that.

"Whaddya think?" Sephiroth asked, smiling. "I'll reclaim this world for mother and sail the cosmos with this planet as my vessel!"

Alright, time to nip this in the bud now.

I drew Force Stealer and slashed it through her face, but she flew back, blood trailing from her cheek as she landed atop of a chimney.

"What's wrong Cloud-kun?" She asked, her hair blowing in the wind and steam. "Weren't we gonna get married?"

I leapt towards her and slashed as she jumped back. "You know damn well that I don't speak Cetra." I told her.

Sephiroth tilted her head. "Does anyone?" She asked. "I thought it was an extinct language that hasn't been spoken in centuries?"

Wait, what? "Wait, so I didn't propose when I stabbed you in Nibelheim?" I asked.

"You rammed a sword through my back!" Sephiroth shouted. "If that's your idea of a proposal then you've got issues!"

I lowered my guard. "So when the hell did we get engaged!?"

Sephiroth rubbed her forehead. "Mother really did a number on your memories, huh?" She asked, then looking back at me. "In our house in Costa de Sol, August seventh, 2002!"

That was a month or so before Nibelheim… "WHAT THE CRAP!?" I shouted.

"Whoa…" Rufus whistled, climbing up to the chimney. "Sephiroth was a chick? Nice…" He nodded. "I did NOT see that coming!"

"WHAT THE HELL!?" I shouted at Rufus, pointing my sword at Sephiroth. "HOW CAN ANYONE NOT KNOW!?"

"Have you looked at dudes around here?" Rufus asked. "You look rather androgynous yourself!"

…

"I like your pretty face!" Sephiroth complimented. "But I miss your beautiful dark blue eyes…"

My eyes were dark blue once?

Oh yeah… it's been ages since I was Mako-free…

Whatever, task at hand. "Rufus, you joining this fight or not?" I asked him.

"Dude!" Rufus shouted. "A true man never strikes a lady!"

"This is Sephiroth." I reminded him as she waved. "She wants to annihilate the entire human race."

"Not everybody!" Sephiroth protested. "I'm not psycho enough to kill your friends, and why don't you call me Sephy, like you used to?"

"Whatever man!" Rufus shouted. "I want those shades back! Only true men deserve those!"

I sighed and tossed them to him. He caught them and put them over his own, then slid down the ladder.

"We're not lovers anymore, or whatever we used to be." I told Sephiroth, glaring at her. "We're enemies now."

She gasped, then blinked a tear. "I… see…" She said, shaking her head. "Regardless, I need to do this, for both of us…"

I leapt towards her with my sword as she blocked with the Masamune, the Mako flaring in both our eyes. "I don't want to kill you Cloud-kun…" Sephiroth told me sadly. "But… if this is what you really want…"

She forced me back with a swing of her blade and I landed on a sail. "So be it." She said, darkness forming into a cloak around her. "I'll come at you with full force."

* * *

**-}+{-**

* * *

OH SNAP YOU DID NOT SEE THAT COMING!!

Yeah, next chapter shall be epic. Look forward to it.


	11. GENESIS OF ZERO

Hey everyone, new chapter. Now, today I am going to try something different. See, until now, this story has focused on being gut-bustingly funny.

Today, however, I'm going to perform an experiment.

'Can I insert SamJaz-brand Epic into a comedy story?'

Let's find out shall we? After some reviews.

First off, remember that Cloud, the narrator, is still engaged to the Tifa from his world. AU Cloud was engaged to Sephiroth, but most engagements end when she burns down your hometown and kills your mom and all your childhood friends, especially when you then stab her through the back in rage. Bear that in mind, there's some rationality in this world, even if it is held by Cloud and Sephiroth.

…

That actually answers most of your reviews. Crap.

* * *

**-}+{-**

* * *

I drew out the Buster sword and held it out in my other hand. "ABANDON SHIP!!" I shouted, leaping for Sephiroth.

She slashed the Buster sword, knocking it back as I swung with Force Eater, which she blocked too as I swung again with the Buster sword, but she leapt up and kicked me down the boat's chimney.

I flipped in the air as I fell, moving back until I reached the chimney wall. I turned and started running along the cylindrical surface inside the chute, then started running back up to the top, where Sephiroth was floating.

I activated the Range materia, slashing out at her as I jumped out of the flue and into the sky. I landed on the edge, then jumped for her again, slashing over my head for her.

She dodged, and I sliced through the boat horizontally, cutting it in half.

No matter. I twisted in the air and launched a Beta at her as I fell into the water.

She slashed through the flames and rocketed herself at me. I pushed the Force Eater into the Buster sword, creating a jagged, demonic blade and caught the Masamune as she charged, pushing both of us under the water.

I grabbed her wrist and launched a load of electricity through my arm into hers, electrifying the salt water around us. Sephiroth launched me back with an Ultima, but I caught a piece of drift-wood and vaulted onto it.

I looked into the sky to see Sephiroth floating above me menacingly. I can't jump here because the driftwood won't support my weight enough for me to get high enough, so that leave only one thing.

I sprinted across the water surface and hopped unto the back end of the sinking ship, dashing up it as screaming people fled it. I ran up to the rear, passing Tifa as she shouted "Cloud!"

Ignoring her, I hopped onto the railing and leapt into the air and onto Sephiroth's blade. She pulled back and I jumped again, this time swinging my sword for her, only for her to block.

This time, I used my hybrid-sword to push myself further into the air before swinging again. This was working, even though she blocked, so I did it again, repeatedly.

Faster.

I was starting to see her sweat slightly under the pressure I was putting her under, so I swung my leg out to kick her head, but she blocked with her forearm and swung the butt of the Masamune into my forehead.

I fell back, but I summoned Shiva to freeze a wave for me to slide on and get back into the air to launch a payload of missiles at Sephiroth.

She cut through all of them in quick succession before locking blades with me again as I forced her higher into the air. I grabbed the back of the Masamune and swung on-top of her. She twisted in the air to face me as I rammed a fist into her face, launching us both towards the water. I discarded my over-sized sword and kept punching her as we fell, Sephiroth dropping the Masamune herself.

She grabbed my throat and began squeezing the air out of me as we hit the water. She grabbed my neck with both hands once we were under, and now I'm losing oxygen fast.

I curled up and donkey-kicked her in the gut, pushing her down, away from me and propelling myself to the surface. I sucked in the delicious air, then saw a glow further down as the Masamune vanished from the water-surface.

Sephiroth's got it now…

I started swimming towards my own weapon, and I reached it just as Sephiroth stabbed through my ribcage, piercing my lungs. I coughed up blood, then grabbed her blade and swung her up above the water and swung my blade through her chest.

She let go of her sword in pain before summoning it back to her hand, hovering over the water several feet away from me. I don't have any Cure materia on me, not that it'd help much in this situation, so I crawled onto my sword, using that as a body-board as I froze the water beneath us for me to stand on.

I stepped onto the ice and picked up the blade. "Why didn't you finish me?" I asked Sephiroth.

"You know why." She replied with a glare.

"Whatever." I snapped, readying my sword and charging for her.

**BADUM**

I halted mid-charge. "You feel that?" Sephiroth asked, looking towards the wreckage.

I looked in the same direction and felt it.

Evil.

"What is that?" I asked. "Because whatever it is, that is not Jenova."

A black arm burst through the ice. It took hold of the ice, then hauled itself through. Its owner was clad in black bio-armour, with a helmet that completely covered its face in a black visor.

It rose to its feet, showing seven black cylinders poking out of its spine. Once it drew itself to its full height, it looked at Sephiroth, then me, then Sephiroth again, then it started laughing silently.

Then its mask cracked.

The crack was jagged, cracking along where its mouth would be in a zig-zag before splitting completely, opening like a monstrous jaw and laughing maniacally.

There was a human's mouth inside.

The guy stopped laughing, then closed the crack in his mask and looked at the two of us. "_**Sephiroth.**_" It hissed, the crack in the mask widening slightly, as if smiling. "_**Finally.**_"

Sephiroth was positively terrified, looking desperately between me and the human/monster. "No… no that's impossible…"

The masked man spread its hands out wide, then disappeared.

"AAARGH!!" Sephiroth screamed, flying back into the water after being punched in the face by the masked man.

**What**

The monster turned towards me and titled its head. "_**Who… Are You?**_"

I pulled the Force Eater from the Buster Sword and held them in separate hands attempt to keep up with this guy's speed. "My name is Cloud Strife, SOLDIER first class."

"_**No… You Are Not.**_"

"Fine." I admitted. "I'm lying about being in SOLDIER."

"_**You Are Not Cloud Strife.**_"

Nyeh?

"UNIT ZERO!"

We both turned to see Heidegger on a speed boat with a remote control. He hit a button and the guy who just took out Sephiroth in one hit stand bolt upright and sprint towards him like a lapdog. "Heheheheh." Heidegger laughed. "I see you like da new toy, Strife."

"What is that?" I asked angrily. "What the HELL HAVE YOU CREATED!?"

"Hyuk hyuk hyuk…" Heidegger laughed. "You'll vind out ven ve unleash him."

"So he's not finished?" I asked, trying to figure out as much as I can.

"Oh, he's finished." Heidegger told me. "I'm just 'olding onto da leash for now. SCARLET!"

"YES!" She shouted in obedience as the boat sped off.

I turned around and activated the Sense materia, but Sephiroth had already run for it.

So here's the question… where's JENOVA's right arm?

* * *

Once I swam to Costa de Sol, I found that the others had slaughtered it without me as the ship was sinking. Tifa told me so once I crawled onto the beach. Man, I miss all the good bits.

"Ey, mista Clu-ead!"

I pushed myself up to see a heavily tanned man in a moustache grinning at me. "Yousa come back!"

"Uhh… yeah…" I groaned, getting to my feet. "It's been a while, so could you please direct my friends and I back to my house?"

"But of course my friend!" The guy said happily. "Right dis way!"

* * *

Of course, by the time Me, Tifa, Barrett and Aeris got there, Yuffie, Biggs, Wedge, Jessie and Nanaki were already there. "I stopped caring a long time ago." I sighed, collapsing onto the couch.

"I'ma berry flabbered spikey, but I gotta decurve."

"How did you get to my couch before I did Barrett?"

"Ah box's it."

"Got off it now before I tear out your lungs."

"Yessir."

FLUMP

"Better." I mumbled from the couch as Barrett muttered something. I then slapped him on the head. "No smoking inside."

"Fine." Barrett grunted. "I'll slip off da roof and dah!"

"Please do." I sighed, getting to sleep.

* * *

When I woke up, I was being cuddled. It was nice.

Unfortunately, I've since learnt from my recent experience and rolled out from under whoever was on me.

FLUMP.

Sleeping Sephiroth in a towel. Of course.

And now I appear to by lying atop someone else. Sleeping Jessie in some Pyjamas. Of course.

I rolled over onto someone else. Sleeping Tifa in a dressing gown. Of course.

I got up and looked around for Yuffie and Aeris. No sign of either of them, but Barrett was next along. Disturbing.

Nanaki was curled up by the fireplace, Wedge on the other couch, and Biggs was passed out with his head in the fridge.

Whatever happened while I was sleeping, it must've been fun.

Now for a shower.

* * *

Found Aeris. I managed to escape with my throat intact. I needed to wash my face with potion though.

Of course, once people started screaming, that was my cue to pull my trousers on and walk out of there and cast Stop with the materia I found in the drawer.

It was maxed out, so it was effective.

"Everyone, calm down and put the weapons and fireballs away." I ordered, tugging on a shirt. "Then, go get dressed. Back here in five minutes. Everyone promise to be good?"

I remembered noone could move. "Move your eyes frantically if you promise to be good."

Everyone except Barrett promised to be good, but that probably means that he's just stoned. "Alright then." I said, releasing the time magic. "Sephiroth, where do we keep the frying pan."

"Corner cupboard by the fridge." She said, tugging her towel around her body. "But everything in the fridge is rotten beyond recognition."

"BLAUGH!!" Biggs vomited.

"_Was_ rotten." I corrected, walking into the kitchen. "I'll fix that."

* * *

Hooray for magic bags of holding that stop bacon from rotting.

So, pretty soon, the ten of us were gathered around the table. As you can imagine, there was much awkwardness of having two mass murderers at the table.

Wait, Wedge did that thing back at Shinra. And Yuffie's a Turk. And I'm sure people weren't fast enough when Aeris was talking at them.

But the point is, we just crashed at the psycho woman's house and we have no right to throw her out. She wants to destroy the world and drive the human race to near-extinction, but there's such a thing as being polite.

Unfortunately.

"Say, there's something I need to know Cloud-kun." Sephiroth told me at the breakfast table.

"We promise not to try and kill you until twenty-four hours after we leave." I told her.

"No, there's something else." Sephiroth replied.

"Yes, we have broken up." I sighed as everyone else ate in awkward silence.

"DIS IS DA BEST BACON EVAR!!"

Except Barrett. Also, Biggs is eating like a dog while Nanaki is using chopsticks. That probably contributes to the awkwardness.

"For science." Sephiroth added.

"Will anyone die from this experiment of yours?" I asked her.

"Most likely not."

"Lab coats are wherever we keep them." I told her.

"Normal people don't keep lab coats in their homes Cloud-kun." Sephiroth sighed.

I tossed her a lab coat from the inventory. "Neither of us qualify as normal."

Sephiroth raised a hand at me.

_**Stand, Cloud-kun**_

I gave Sephiroth a funny look. "You say something?"

She threw up the table and grabbed my throat, forcing me into the wall. "_Who are you!?"_ She snarled. "_Because you are not Cloud Strife._"

"WHAT THE HELL!?" I shouted, pushing her hands down as fireballs flared up. "WHY WOULDN'T I BE CLOUD!?"

"Because anyone infected with as much Mako as Cloud-kun was when he was shoved in that test tube in Nibelheim for three years wouldn't be able to resist my orders!"

…

Oooh…

"So what brought this on?" I asked her. "Because for the record, I heard the order to stand up. Just didn't obey."

Sephiroth turned to leave. "I've got something to find out." She said, before turning to the rest of the team. "But _he_ isn't who he says he is."

"Cracka be trippin." Barrett announced once she left.

"You alright?" Tifa asked me.

"Why wouldn't I be?" I asked her.

Then I remembered something.

"I'll be right back." I told everyone, heading for the door. "In fact, you come too Tifa and Aeris."

* * *

"Hey… is that…?" Aeris asked me in her light, white dress while hurling a kitchen knife taped to some binoculars at the beach.

"Professor Hojo?" Tifa asked.

I vaulted the wall onto the sand, Tifa following shortly after.

FLUMP!

I walked towards Hojo and his ho's while Tifa helped Aeris up. "Gah, Whaddya want?" One bikini-clad lady asked me.

"I want to speak with Hojo." I told her.

"Hey, who do you think you are?" Another girl asked.

"What's your problem!?" Snapped someone else.

"Professor Hojo." Asked one girl. "That scary man says he wants to talk with you."

"Tell ze nasty peoples dat mesa busy, my precious ladieeessss…"

"Kyaaaaa!" The women squeed while Tifa gipped behind me.

I pulled out the Buster sword and blocked Hojo's light, making him wake up. "Oh, itsa nasty scientwist dat bwoke Hojo's expermientses…" He flipped over in his deck-chair and hissed like a spider. "HE DID IT!" He snarled. "HE BWOKE IT. _HE __**BWOKE**__ IT!!"_

"I'm here to discuss Unit Zero." I told him.

He stood up and tugged at his lab coat. "Very wellses." He said. "Holds Hojo's spot ladiessss…"

"KYAAAA!!"

* * *

"So, yousa Cloudses." Hojo chuckled over his sundae while Aeris munched hers down madly. "Cloudses Strifeses."

"Unit Zero Hojo." I told him.

"Wait, what is Unit Zero?" Tifa asked with concern.

"Something that attacked Sephiroth last night." I told her. "Took her out in one hit."

"Her!?" Hojo asked. "Sephiroth isa she!?"

"Dude, you experimented on her since she was in the womb." I told him. "How could you not know her gender?"

"Hojo assume he had ingrown penises, Hojo did." Hojo nodded, slurping at his ice-cream.

"…Okay…" I said. "So, anyways, this Unit Zero pops up outta nowhere, beats down Sephiroth in one hit, then starts asking me who I am, insisting that I cannot possibly be Cloud, but runs off to Von Heidegger before explaining himself."

"Kekekekekeehe…" Hojo grinned. "Zero is right, zero is right!" He prodded me with his spoon. "You. Cannot. Be! You cannot be!" He repeated excitedly. "Yet you are, yet you arses!"

"Language professor!" Aeris shouted, thwacking him over the head with a dictionary.

"Silence, nasty womanses." He hissed, rubbing his head. "I don't want to talk to nasty peoples."

"Miss!" I shouted. "Another banana split for my friend here!"

"Zero is the culumination of project J!" Hojo declared. "Project S took over the failures of Project G and united the findings, yes we did, yes we did!" He nodded excitedly. "Then weses combine the test subject with artificial enhancements and cybernetics to make the strongest human and make him better."

"The strongest human?" Tifa asked.

"A man barely alive, he was." Hojo nodded. "We rebuilt him, he did. We had the technology. We had the capability to build the world's first bionic man, yes we did, YES WE DID! Better than he was before. Better, stronger, faster!"

"Project Zero." I nodded.

"Zero yes, zero yes!"

"So, how did you know you had the world's strongest human?" Tifa asked as the waitress brought a new banana split for the mad doctor.

He laughed. "How else, how else!?" He cackled. "What other human could best one such as Sephiroth? Who? WHO!?"

…

Nyeh?

"Wait, didn't Cloud do that?" Aeris asked.

"Yes indeed, yes indeed!" Hojo replied, thumping the table with excitement. "That's why Cloud cannot be here! No he can't! No he can't!"

"Hojo." I told him. "Why can't I be here?" I asked him. "What do I have to do with Unit Zero?" I asked him.

Hojo just laughed. "Is Unit Zero Zack Fair?" I asked him.

The laughter stopped. "Stupid soldier, stupid soldier!" He muttered.

"I am Unit Zero."

We turned to see a dark skinned man with silver hair and red eyes.

Silver hair that was spiked exactly like mine.

A face shaped exactly like mine.

Zero sat at the table. "So, why do you have my face?" He asked me.

"Your… face..?" I asked as Tifa and Aeris started tripping out.

"Cloud Strife…" Hojo cackled. "Meet Unit Zero, my finest creation! THE REAL CLOUD STRIFE!!"

* * *

**-}+{-**

* * *

Oh snap. Again, you did not see that coming.

So, here do you think this new development will lead?

Back to full scale hilarity next chapter, tell me what you think of the experiment.

**This was the first time I ever heard of Unit Zero, because SJ did this chapter solo. I approve, but he's not doing it again.**


	12. The Day Of The KoolAid Man

Alrighty everyone, this chapter, everything returns to funny.

Why? Because after the first scene, we return to RWC writing scripts for us!

Seriously, without a script to follow, everything just turns to epic, it's hard for me to control.

BY Lantern Light, Genesis's deal was that he had G cells, which let him make clones of himself, but he aged super-fast unless he could get some S cells, like the kind Zack, Sephiroth, and eventually Cloud had. In this story, he enjoys Yaoi and reproduces asexually so is still a virgin.

Mom calling, you haven't read Fairly English Story, so I favour your vote on the hilarity of this story above all others, except perhaps for Kitsune13's, because he writes the long, nice reviews.

BlazingFireAngel, we've got something planned for Zack. Trust us.

* * *

**-}+{-**

* * *

First job, break Zero down mentally, because there is no way I would ever work for Shinra after Nibelheim.

"Don't misunderstand me." Zero told me. It's easier to call him that. "I'm just using Shinra as a means to an end."

"Means to an-" Tifa began, then realised what he was suggesting. "You want to kill Sephiroth too?"

"Well, that's gonna be kinda difficult." I sighed, leaning back. "See, because of Jenova's link to the Lifestream and Sephiroth's link to Jenova, she can use it to form a new host and return to this world from the afterlife at will."

"Ah." I nodded as Aeris gobbled up her ice-cream. "So you'd need to kill Jenova then."

Zero shook his head as Hojo snuck away. "Unfortunately, that would have the same problem, so there is only one solution."

"Which is?" Tifa asked him.

"End the Lifestream."

…

…

"Nyeh?"

"T-That's insane!" Tifa shouted, getting to her feet. "To end the Lifestream would end all life on this planet!"

"Including Sephiroth." Zero added, leaning back in his chair. "So it's a minor inconvenience."

Tifa stepped back in horror, and I stood up. "Tifa. Get everyone together and head for the train tracks." I ordered. "I'll catch you all up once I incapacitate Unit Zero."

Zero stood up. "Ha, you really think you can take _me_ on?"

I rammed his face into the table, toppling it. "Without your suit?" I asked him. "Yeah, I think I can." I turned to Aeris, who was still eating her ice-cream. "GO!"

They didn't need to be told again. I stepped back as the café emptied of screaming vacationers and I considered drawing a sword, but bare-hands would probably be best here.

Zero rose to his feet angrily. "And I thought you wanted her dead?" He asked.

I punched him in the jaw, knocking him flying. "Right now? She's the lesser evil."

He planted his foot to the wall and stopped. "I see." He nodded. "So, that's your decision."

He blurred, and I spun behind me and kicked his ribcage just as he elbowed me in the face, knocking me down and him flying.

I recovered in time to slash a chair across his face, but he ignored it and punched me down again, so I grabbed his wrist and snapped it down, before rolling on top of him and twisting both arms.

He tucked his legs under his chest, then jumped up into the air and rolled onto my back. "Going down." He whispered, before kicking me into the stone below.

I rolled out of the crater and launched a crapload of missiles at him, but this guy is actually stronger than I am, so he just charged through them and grabbed me with his good arm.

"Where is Sephiroth?" He asked me, lifting me into the air. "Where is she headed?"

That told me three things.

1) This guy doesn't have a Jenova-dar, or at least not one as sensitive as mine.  
2) This guy doesn't automatically heal, nor is he using any Cure materia.  
3) Alternate me is obsessed with tracking down Sephiroth.

He's also crazy in the normal, psychopath way. "Temple of Ancients." I told him, hoping to buy us some time. "Sephiroth needs what's in there."

Zero dropped me, then to his knees. "QUICKSES!!"

I turned to see Hojo lead a team of men in hazmat suits, carrying pipes and a large metal tube. "Precious cannot be outside his suit for longses!" Hojo shouted, hopping up and down. "No he cants, no he cants!"

He then looked at me and waved with a sneer as the helicopter came down. "Thanksyou for your helpses, nasty Cloudses."

Crap.

* * *

"Quick version is that there's a psycho super clone of you that wants to kill Sephiroth by killing everything else too?" Wedge asked as we left the villa.

"That _OR_ Cloud is the evil clone or something?" Jessie asked as I locked the door.

Don't know why I did it, just felt like something that I should do. "Pretty much, yeah." I told them.

"Things just can't be simple, can they?" Tifa asked, shaking her head.

"Wuddern be fun udderbise." Barrett stretched. "Whut we teekinbot?"

I ignored him and turned to Yuffie. "Sephiroth's nearby." I told her. "Is she still in the city?"

"She left already." Yuffie reported. Damn.

"Re rentioned Rorth Roral." Nanaki pointed out.

"So she'd have to pass through Mount Corel." Biggs deduced.

"We need to catch up with her." I told everyone as we headed into the street, catching the pickaxe Aeris threw at me side-on. "Because Zero isn't going to kill the Lifestream unless Sephiroth's in it, and she's not going to be in it unless she's dead. Also, if Zero's in his power suit, then we're going to need all the firepower we can get just to stop ourselves from dying."

"The hope for this planet just keeps getting bleaker and bleaker…" Jessie sighed, clicking her fingers in a rhythm.

Actually, a lot of people are doing that unconsciously, now that I look.

And the musicians in the corner were playing Reno's theme.

"Pretty cool, huh?" Reno asked, whipping an arm around my neck and steering me away from my team. "But I'm afraid it gets kinda worse."

"It always does." I sighed, flashing a hand signal to explain that I'd be right back to the team. "What now?"

"I think that it's safe to say things are turning out different than they did in your reality." Reno told me.

"Really." I said. "Whatever gave you that idea?"

"Because you told me that if I stuck with Shinra, then I'd come out on top." Reno tuned to face me. "You talking about Rufus Shinra or Shinra electric company?"

"Nyeh?"

"Because Rufus got voted out of management and now Heidegger runs the show." Reno continued. "Also, I doubt they made Unit Zero in your reality."

"Wait, what's happened to Shinra?" I asked.

"Rufus ignored the company shares, something about not bothering with the little pieces." Reno sighed. "Hojo, Scarlet, Palmer and Heidegger voted him from the company."

I facepalmed. "This just keeps getting better and better doesn't it…"

"The Turks will take care of regaining control of Shinra." Reno told me as his pocket began to buzz. "You take care of Unit Zero and Sephiroth… again?"

"What?" I asked him as he pocketed his phone with a sigh.

"Elena managed to tie herself to the bed again." Reno sighed. "She's an absolute genius at tying knots, but she can't untie them. Oh, she can tie a knot in reverse, which usually does the job, but she can't physically _Un_tie a knot."

"I thought the Turks were meant to be elites?" I asked.

"Oh, they are." Reno explained. "Geniuses, every single one of them. Unfortunately, a genius is someone who is very, very good at one thing, and an idiot in everything else. I'm basically the minder of all fifteen of them."

"Fifteen?"

"Well, a load of them left when Heidegger took control of the Turks, but Rufus tracked them down and brought them back under his control. A fantastic man to lead people, but an idiot otherwise."

"I can see what you mean." I sighed. "How do I contact you? The message you sent me had a blocked origin."

"Use Yuffie." Reno told me, walking off into the crowd. "She'll be the contact."

* * *

"Biggs, Yuffie, Jessie and Nanaki, you four are with me." I told everyone once I returned. "Wedge, take Tifa, Aeris and Barrett"

"What did Reno talk to you about?" Yuffie asked me as everyone filed into their groups.

"Rufus wants you to keep travelling with us." I replied.

"Guess it's time we were ahead on our way." Wedge said, stretching out once the groups were formed.

I nodded. "Meet at the train tracks outside Mt. Corel." I told them. "You guys take the direct route, we'll take the long way."

* * *

Naturally, we got there first.

"Be careful if yer goin' up ta mountin." Some old guy told me. "It gits dangerous. Also, some girl in a lab coat just went up. You might git to see'er fall, heheheh…"

"So she went this way…" Biggs nodded.

"Looks like it." I replied, before confronting the old man. "Why would you be happy about someone falling to her death?"

"Bitch be trippin' balls, yo." The old man explained. "I warned her I did. She threatened me before running up there."

"Yep, it's her." I sighed, then saw the others coming. "We ready to go?"

"Um… I'm… scared of ladders…" Jessie said.

"What does that have to do with anything?" I asked. "Are there any ladders around here?"

"T-The rails…"

Facepalm.

* * *

"Alright, if you're not here, raise your hand." I announced once everyone regrouped.

Barrett raised his hand.

"Right then." I nodded. "We'll wait for Barrett to get here, then we're off."

"Danks." Barrett nodded, wandering off to a quiet corner for a spliff or seven.

Everyone sat down on the grass, and Tifa started walking towards me.

"Hmm… yes…"

CRACK

Started walking towards me. Biggs got in the way.

* * *

"Uhrite, I's Bach." Barrett announced after a few minutes.

"Right, then we can be off then." I announced, getting to my feet.

"Barrett's not here." Barrett said.

"Who are you then?" I asked.

"I jus teld yer, I's Bach."

"Alright then, you'll do for now." I sighed. "Tifa, Aeris and Jessie with me." I announced. "Wedge, you've got Biggs, Yuffie, Nanaki and Bach."

The only one with a problem was Yuffie, who sighed. "Why do I have to be on a team of guys…" She sighed.

"Sorry about that." I shrugged. "Alright, a few metres in the track splits into two. We'll take the right-hand route, you guys the left. We need to _recruit_ Sephiroth, not scare her off or fight her."

"Gotcha." Wedge saluted. "Come on Beethoven."

"Bach." Barrett corrected, following him.

"Bach then."

* * *

After a few minutes, I got a phone call. "Yello."

_\_ "You see that shack over there?" _\_ Wedge asked me.

I turned to look at the hut. "Yeah?" I asked him.

_\_ "Well, there's a lever in there we need you to turn to open the path." _\_

The shack exploded. "OH WHAT THE HELL!?" I shouted.

"Sorry…" Jessie apologised bashfully. "I- I just needed to let out some stress…"

I sighed. "Get Yuffie to jump across the water and break the locks, then spark the gears with some lightning spells." I told Wedge. "Should work."

_\_ "Gotcha. Later." _\_

He hung up.

"Alright, off we go." I announced. "Wait, where is everyone?"

Tifa looked around, and we saw Aeris and Jessie poking their heads into a hole they just found a few metres up the mountain.

I hopped up to see what the commotion was, and saw them cooing over a chocobo nest.

The one with ten phoenix downs inside.

" How cute…" The two girls squeed.

"I'm taking the damn treasure." I said, reaching in and taking the downs. "Come on, we need to go." I told them before hopping back down to the rails.

"You know Cloud, your hair kinda looks like a chocobo's." Tifa pointed out.

"Thanks for reminding me." I sighed as the other two climbed down the rock face. "Let's get going!"

BOOM

I turned around to see a cockatrice. Tifa back-handed it, crushing its skull against her fist. "Hurry up then." She urged.

* * *

We eventually found Sephiroth resting on her sword against the rock face. "Sephiroth." I nodded as I approached, the others keeping a safe distance.

Sephiroth got to her feet. "You…"

I sheathed the Buster sword. "I need you to come with me."

Sephiroth blushed slightly, then glared. "Why should I?" She asked. "We're strangers."

I sat down next to where she was and glanced at the girls, who were pretty much out of earshot. "The Cloud you know has become Unit Zero, that thing that attacked us earlier."

"I know." Sephiroth sighed, sitting down next to me. "So that raises the question, who are you?"

"A different Cloud Strife." I told her. "One that wants this planet to stay alive, unlike Unit Zero."

"You both want me dead." Sephiroth pointed out.

"I want to stop you from killing everyone." I corrected. "The other Cloud wants to destroy the Lifestream."

That shocked her. "What!?"

"Yeah." I nodded. "So you can see why I want you aboard so we have a chance at destroying him." I told her. "The way I see it, you're the lesser of the two evils, because at least you can be reasoned with."

"And Cloud-ku- Unit Zero can't?" She asked.

"He's obsessed." I told him. "And whatever Hojo did to him has robbed him of what little reason he had left. All that matters to him is killing you then destroying the Lifestream…" I trailed off.

"You can sense him coming." Sephiroth said, standing up and readying the Masamune.

"Far too fast." I agreed, drawing the Buster Sword. "He can't sense us like I can sense you, so he must be tracking us some other way."

"Tracks?" Sephiroth asked as the other three got the hint and prepared for battle.

"Most likely… here HE COMES!!"

**FRAZZZ**

Zero had one hand on my sword and the other on the Masamune, pushing against them as we did all we could to block his attack.

Damn… that armour really does make all the difference.

Crack

"Oh no." I said, glancing down at the breaking planks.

CRACK

"Oh no…" Sephiroth said, glancing at the rumbling stone.

BOOM

"OH YEAH!!" Barrett shouted, bursting from the stone with a jug of red liquid in hand and kicking Unit Zero in the head, pushing him over the edge and down into the water below.

"I… don't think he can fly…" I pointed out as Tifa, Jessie and Aeris ran over to us.

"OH SHIZ DA SPYDAAAAHS!!" Barrett screamed, pushing past Sephiroth and I and falling through the rails, landing on the rock below.

"He'll live." Jessie pointed out calmly. "But I really, really think we should move before we get caught in the avalanche."

"Right." I nodded, placing a hand on Sephiroth's shoulder. "Welcome to AVALANCHE, no RUNNN!!"

* * *

"Wait, you're wearing a leather coat." Tifa pointed out as we ran from the wave of stones.

"As I do." Sephiroth stated. "What of it?"

"The guy at the bottom warned us about a woman in a lab coat."

"Maybe Wedge found them." I shrugged as Sephiroth put her katana to the back of her head. "What're you doing."

She sliced through her hair, so now it fell down to her shoulders. "If we don't want to get tracks, best lose the defining features first."

"So, the cloak next?" Aeris asked.

Sephiroth lowered her head to hide the blush.

"You're not wearing anything under the cloak, are you?" I asked.

"I'm wearing trousers!" She shouted back angrily. "But yeah, silver hair and trenchcoat stands out a lot."

"I don't know why you bother." Aeris shrugged. "I mean, Shinra hasn't bothered posting any wanted posters for us yet."

"Rufus isn't in control anymore." I pointed out.

"Well, either way, all we really need to hide from is Zero." Jessie pointed out. "And he'd see through any disguise she'd pull."

I turned back to her. "How are you so calm when we're running from an avalanche!?"

"I don't have any phobias about falling stones." Jessie shrugged. "It's… actually kinda calming, since I don't have to worry about the tracks…"

She stood stock still.

I reached back and grabbed her, then sprinted to catch up with everyone. "RUN FASTER!!"

* * *

We found the woman in a lab coat travelling with Wedge in the absence of Barrett. "Who's this lady?" I asked him as she was shocked at Sephiroth.

"I'm a guy." She snapped at me.

"Of course ma'am." Wedge nodded. "This is Elfé, the founder of AVALANCHE."

"She's not a guy." Sephiroth hissed.

"I. AM."

"Okay, okay, whatever lady." I sighed. "I'm Cloud Strife, Current leader of AVALANCHE, and what happened to Barrett?"

"She kicked him off the rails and told him to go do something useful." Biggs pointed out, limping.

"Well, he did." I told everyone. "Barrett just saved our asses, so I highly recommend finding him."

* * *

We found him getting beaten up by a lynch mob in North Corel. Elfé rushed to join in, but Sephiroth launched a large fireball into the sky.

"He's our property." She stated. "I don't like it when people break my things."

They mob looked around at each other, then took off their white hoods and sulked off.

"I hate the klan." Biggs sighed as he limped over to Barrett and helped him up. "You okay man?"

"It mah fault." Barrett sighed. "I hadda crazy buddeh who blew dis whole place up."

"Wait, that wasn't the klan?" Biggs asked.

"Whut?" Barrett asked. "No, day's minahs. Dey has da union."

"Whatever." I sighed. "Let's just get on the train to the Golden Saucer."

"Why we going there?" Jessie asked. "It's just a huge coffer for Shinra."

So we can get Cait Sith. "Because… we need to… get…"

"There's some weaponry there that we need to get a hold of." Tifa said. "And if we want to get to Nibelheim, then we need to find something that can go over sand."

"And why are we going to Nibelheim again?" Elfé asked.

"Because that's where all the remnants are going."

We all turned to Sephiroth. "They're the survivors of the Nibelheim massacre that Shinra injected with Mako to try and revive me." She continued. "They'll be going to Nibelheim to do it."

"Hold on, you don't need reviving." Aeris pointed out, raising a tombstone above her head.

"They don't know that." I finished, glad for the help and catching the stone slab. "So that's where Zero will be headed."

"I thought we were running _away_ from him?" Jessie asked.

"The longer he lives, the more people die." Wedge pointed out sensibly. "So we're best off getting ahead of him while we can so we can finish him on our terms, preferably with a trap."

I nodded. This was writing itself. "So, we in agreement?" I asked.

"About what?" Yuffie asked.

"Rowing rod a ramned ream park." Nanaki growled.

"YAY!" Barrett shouted. "ROLLASHORERS!!"

* * *

"So… what happened here?" Aeris asked Barrett. Or at least, she asked it while smacking Barrett with an axe handle.

"Mah maddetahn used ta be hear." Barrett replied.

"Raddaya rean, rused ro?"

"It ain't ear rabbyroar." Barrett replied. "It got stolen by da human torch anna fink."

"And how is it your fault?" Wedge asked. He clearly hadn't heard this story before.

"Corel wuh always da cool mine tune." Barrett said. "It'sa sah dusty, but calm anso poor… a wheel small tune, dis wun. Dat's da first tahm ah eva heard da word 'Mako reacta' mendaned sins sat flashback."

And that's my cue to sleep.

* * *

"Who dares wake me from my sleep?" I asked.

"We're here."

I woke up to find Sephiroth and Tifa standing over me. "Where's everyone else?" I asked.

"They left the rail cart about an hour ago." Tifa explained. "We let you keep sleeping, but other people kinda need to use it now."

"They suck." I groaned, getting up and walking out of there and getting grabbed firmly on the shoulder.

I looked at the huge guy grabbing me, he was wearing leather and had cool shades, but the big thing I noticed was the gold crown and cat ears on his head."

"Cloud Strife?" He asked, letting go of me.

"Yeah?" I asked.

"My name is Cait Sith." He said, offering me his hand. "Come wid me if you want to live."

* * *

**-}+{**

**

* * *

**Yeah, I think we can leave it there.

Sorry for the delay, laziness happened on both sides.

Now, none of you have cottened on to our little puzzle, so here's a clue. Starting from chapter seven, ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE, we put in a line that sticks out, following a pattern.

Also, FF13's soundtrack, which sucks in comparison to the other games, was done by a different guy to who did the sound track to the first 12 games.

And apparently this chapter has spelling mistakes. Tell me and I'll re-upload the chapter with corrections.


	13. The Day of Gold

Hey everybody, We're back with another chapter of your favourite Final Fantasy VII Time Travel Story!

Because we are waaay better than other one, Eri's Tomorrow or something, know what I mean?

Also, I've started a Pokémon / Code Geass fanfic. It is much, much better than it sounds and is well worth checking out.

Now, reviews.

Tanith magnus, we've reached a decision about that, but we're not telling you right now so it doesn't spoil the big reveal.

Fayneir, the easy translation guide is to read his lines aloud, and use a theasarus mid-word to get the right syllables. For example:  
"It'sa sah dusty, but calm anso poor… a wheel small tune, dis wun. Dat's da first tahm ah eva heard da word 'Mako reacta' mendaned sins sat flashback"  
Translates to:  
"It's so dusty, but calm and so poor… a real small town, this one. That's the first time I ever heard the word 'Mako Reactor' mentioned since that flashback."

Huh, that appears to be the case.

Also, an announcement! Varanus passed the Minimum Insanity Requirement and joined the Time Paradox team shortly after becoming my beta for Pokémon: Lelouch of the Rebellion. Heyoh!

* * *

**Day Of Gold**

* * *

I groaned. "Fine." I shouted, throwing up my arms. "Whatever! Where the hell are we going next then?"

"Come wit me if you want to live." Cait Sith repeated.

"Cait, can you go introduce yourself to that group over there whilst I go talk to Cloud?" Tifa asked him, tugging on his huge bicep and pointing towards Wedge arm-wrestling Yuffie over in the gaming area.

"Dat would be acceptable." He nodded, marching over to the slidy pipes.

"What is it?" I asked Tifa, who grabbed my arm and started dragging me towards some other pipes.

"Just come with me." She replied, before twisting around. "You don't need to come."

I looked behind me to see Sephiroth. "If this is about what I think it's about, I'll need to be in this conversation too."

Tifa sighed. "Fine then. Come on."

* * *

"You need three GP to ride the gondola and only two people per carriage." The gondola attended sighed blearily, before screaming.

"Don't stab civilians!" I shouted at Sephiroth.

"He'll live." She replied, pushing me and Tifa onto the gondola and climbing in, before activating the switch with the Masamune.

Tifa sighed. "Alright, first off, glad that it's actually you, Cloud."

Nyeh? "Why would I be me?"

"Zero." Sephiroth pointed out.

"Ah."

"At Kalm, when you talked about the incident, your version of the story matches up to mine." Tifa told me.

"Funny, because from what Biggs told me in _great_ detail, it doesn't match up to mine." Sephiroth shrugged.

"That's because you aren't from five years in a future where Cloud and I are engaged." Tifa explained.

…

Nyeh?

"Just to clarify, you remember defeating Sephiroth- _our_ Sephiroth in the North Crater, the WEAPON, Meteor, raising Denzel and Marlene together, then geostigma and the Advent?" she asked.

"Wait, so I wasn't the only one to get washed up here?" I asked.

"Aeris telling you that _'the other world needs you'_?" Tifa asked.

"Teef..?"

"Cloud." She smiled.

Sephiroth coughed. "So, to clarify, you two are from the same alternate dimension, in a future where you were engaged, and raising some kids, while the Cloud from _this _world is a rampaging psycho out to kill me." She sighed, putting a hand on each of our shoulders. "I hope none of you mind sharing, because this is the only fair way to go about this."

**Krakoom**

You know, usually situations like this are Interrupted by the Fireworks.

No such luck for me though. Instead, I get placed in the middle of a heated argument.

"Hey, do I get a say in this?" I asked, hoping do defuse the situation.

Of course, any bomb-technician knows what happens when you cut the wrong wire.

It explodes in your face.

* * *

"Alright, we're staying here for tonight." I told the team, limping towards the Ghost Hotel.

"Isn't this place… haunted?" Biggs asked.

"Nah, that's just something they put up to make it fun." I hope. "Elfé, you spending the night in the boy's room or the girl's, because I'm a cheapskate."

"I'm a guy." Elfé reminded me.

"Right, right." I sighed, walking over to the front desk. "Six men, six women."

"HEY!"

"Sorry, _Seven_ men, five women." I told the clerk with a shrug.

"That'll be two rooms then." The zombie replied. "That'll be en ee hee, ah oo eh ah or e?" he asked, pointing down onto his desk.

His jaw had fallen off. An actual zombie then. I picked up the jaw and clipped it back in. "Thanks." He told me. "That'll be ten GP."

I pulled a Potion from my pocket and juggled it menacingly.

"300 Gil." The clerk corrected himself.

"Thanks." I smiled, handing him the money and taking the two keys, tossing one to Tifa and one to Wedge. "Lock Biggs into a coffin to protect Elfé's chastity."

"I'M A GUY!"

"Innocent until caught." Wedge shrugged, picking up Biggs and carrying him upstairs.

"Noooo!"

* * *

"I have important information for you, Cloud Strife." Cait Sith told me later in the night.

"Shinra spy, right?" I asked him.

"Spy for da Turk's and your spy in Shinra."

"That's handy." I nodded, heading back inside to our room. "Thanks Reeve."

"How did-"

"AARGGH!!"

"SEPHIROTH!" I shouted. "WHY THE HELL ARE YOU STABBING BIGGS'S COFFIN!?"

"Who else did it?" she asked, pulling the blade out angrily.

"Did what?" I asked.

Elfé sighed. "Someone stole Sephiroth's underwear while she was showering. Therefore, Biggs."

"HE'S CHAINED INSIDE A FREAKING COFFIN!!" I pointed out.

"Guilty until proven innocent." Sephiroth growled.

"Erm, sorry."

We both turned to see Yuffie hand a package to Sephiroth. She opened it with interest, then stabbed the coffin again. "MASTER!" Yuffie shouted.

"_You put her up to this, didn't you?" _she hissed, crouching down atop the coffin.

"You… are aware that you are commando and in a room full of men, right?" Wedge pointed out, making a clear point of being engrossed in his novel.

She immediately stood up and fastened the straps of her trenchcoat all the way to the bottom. "Let's never speak of this." She snapped hurriedly, storming out of the room.

"Before you go, no maiming allies." I told her. "Not even Biggs. That's _my_ job."

"Tch." She grunted, walking out of there. "Spoilsport."

I sighed as she closed the door behind her, then unchained the coffin and took a look at Biggs.

He was a curved in an S-shape having narrowly avoided two sharp stabbings. "Alright then." I nodded, closing the lid and chaining him back up.

"Looks like silver's her natural colour." Elfé pointed out once I was done.

"I was too polite to notice." I muttered bitterly, before smacking my head. I'm engaged to Tifa, TIFA DAMMIT!

* * *

Next morning, we headed down to the battle square to investigate the crime scene.

Lots of guards were riddled with bullet holes. I didn't bother checking for pulses, instead working on casting Life. "Could use some help Aeris." I pointed out, and she ran in to help.

"Machine gun fire…" Wedge noted.

"Barrett did go aht last night…" Barrett considered.

"You wouldn't do something like this." Biggs told him.

"Hey, who did this?" I asked a recently-revived guard.

"A man… with a gun on his arm…" he choked, coughing up blood as his organs regenerated.

"Was it this guy?" I asked, pointing at Barrett.

"Probably… memory's always fuzzy after coming back from the dead…"

Damn, forgot about that.

"So it wuz YOU!" Barrett shouted, pointing at his reflection. "Wait, yur jus' a mirror… it was YOU!"

"Barrett, you're pointing at yourself." Wedge told him.

Barrett folded his arms smugly. "Detector Barrett delibird's justice again!"

"I've seen enough."

We all turned to see Dio get carried here on a skull throne by eight guards, at least five blondes in chain-mail caressing his oiled chest and long, luxurious hair as he slouched in the throne, one hand supporting his chin by the knuckles, the other holding a flying V guitar. "Bitch, press the button."

One girl giggled and pressed the winged skull on his belt buckle, and the ground beneath our feet opened up into a pitfall trap beloooooooooooooooooow….

* * *

I landed on my feet, then cranked as much juice into my Sense materia as I could and got to work catching everyone.

Well, everyone who needed catching.

Tifa, Yuffie, Nanaki, Biggs, Cait Sith and Sephiroth did fine, Yuffie caught Elfé, so that left me to catch Wedge, Jessie, Aeris, and Barrett in quick succession.

However, you can only take so much mass before your centre of mass is _outside_ you, so I fell flat on my ass.

"Everyone… good..?" I asked, squeezing myself out of the pile of flesh.

"Yeah…" Aeris said, tossing a quick kitchen knife at everyone. "Yeah, everyone's still fine."

The slower people pulled the metal from their limbs and cast Cure on themselves. "Where's this?" Sephiroth asked.

"Corel." I grunted. "A desert prison."

"A… desert… prison?" Wedge asked.

"No need for walls, since no-one could survive going through the desert like that." I explained. "All the prisoners have to stay here in the shade where there's food and water, or they die in the hot sun."

"I've heard that once you get in, there's no coming out…" Biggs gasped.

"There was one exception." Elfé said, still being carried bridal style by Yuffie.

Barrett stood up from the sand, pulling a spliff from his mouth, tossing it aside and plunging his head into a bucket of water.

"Barrett!" Aeris shouted, throwing a lump hammer to smash the bucket.

"I'm fine." Barrett replied, lifting the broken wood and metal from his head. "There's something I've gotta do."

"Did- did Barrett just act like a normal person?" Jessie asked in disbelief.

"That means something's up." Elfé announced, choosing now to disembark from Yuffie.

"That means we're following him." I told everyone, watching Barrett walk off into the distance. "Let's just give it a few minutes to get some distance between us and HEY!" I shouted, running after everyone.

* * *

"I SAID I DIDN'T WANT ANY OF YOU INVOLVED!" Barrett shouted, shooting someone who was hiding behind a couch with a machete.

"That's Cloud's line." Aeris shouted at him, throwing a fishing rod behind her as I came into the building. "Blah blah blah, it's too dangerous hey I told you not to come huh fine then, whatever."

"We're already involved, Barrett." Tifa told him. "So can we just pretend we argued about this and pretend that we won?"

"Ra rurdahs in ra rattle arena were run ry a ran wit a run arm." Nanaki pointed out. "Rat ru?"

Barrett shook his head. "There's another man with a gun-arm like mine." He explained, speaking clearly for the first time since I met him. "Four years ago, me and my friend Dyne were fighting against Shinra in the main Corel city, an' they burnt it to the ground.  
"So me and Dyne fought back." Barrett continued. "We were pushed back to the cliff-face, an' he was hit. I grabbed his left arm wit mah right, and their guns ripped 'em to pieces, and he fell to his death.  
"I took his daughter Marlene and ran to Midgar." He finished, lifting up his gun-arm. "I got this grafted on to get revenge on Shinra, and the doctor said that someone else had the same operation, only on his left arm. After that, I met grassy-jack, and things got hazy for a while." Barrett shrugged. "But right now, Dyne is here, he killed those people, and I need to stop him."

"Wait, if he wants revenge on Shinra, wouldn't he join us?" Jessie asked.

"Nah, he was a psycho _before_ it happened." Barrett replied, shaking his head. "The way he is now, an' what I've found out investigating him, he's broken." He said. "Completely and utterly mental. He needs to be put down before he hurts anyone else."

"Let him." I told everyone. "This isn't just stopping another psychopath, Barrett needs to get this out of his system." I looked up at the sober Barrett. "But if this goes south I'm holding you personally responsible. And if you die, I'm gonna have to look after Marlene, aren't I?"

"LIKE HELL YOU WILL!" Barrett shouted, ramming into me. "YOU STAY AWAY FROM MY PRECIOUS LITTLE GIRL, YOU HEAR ME!?"

Now _That_'s more like the Barrett I used to know. I wonder if they're both the same under the pot?

"Go on then." I told him. "I'll come watch. Anyone else wanna come?"

"I will." Elfé volunteered. "No-one else, that'll make it too obvious."

"So we're all supposed to just wait here then?" Tifa shouted.

"Dat is correct." Cait Sith announced, stepping in front of the doorway to block anyone following me, Barrett and Elfé.

"Thanks." I told him. "Later!"

* * *

**-}+{-**

* * *

Barrett Vs Dyne scene soon, and don't worry. Barrett will be back to crazy very soon.

Also, we've been playing a game by working in key phrases into every chapter since chapter 7. None of you have worked it out yet, and I really, really recomend going back and listening to the FFVII soundtrack while re-reading the story.


	14. The Day The Author Got Back To Work

I recently sent off my documents and application forms for my mission. To clarify, in about six weeks or so, I'll get a letter through the door telling me where and when I'm going, and at that point, I'll announce it on my profile and I won't be writing anything for another two years.

Yes, that's right. Once I get that letter, I won't post anything for another two years. So, for the past few weeks, I've been focusing on getting my other ideas cemented as my property, IE Shinji-108 and Arrangements Shall Be Made, and also completing my long-runner fic, Pokémon, Lelouch of the Rebellion. The 49th and 50th chapters have been written, and they're undergoing severe editing and finalisation, and they should be out by the end of the week.

This means that I've been neglecting Time Paradox. This is because we intend to make this a serious long-runner, but we will never finish it before I set off. This means that you won't get any Time Paradox for two years.

This would be wrong and an insult.

Now, to help you all understand, I don't do Time Paradox on my own. It's a collaboration between myself and Ravenwingcorps, and he works and goes to university, whereas all I'm doing is sitting around the house studying for my mission, walking the dog, doing odd jobs and writing.

And we apologise for the massive wait since the last chapter, which is why I'm doing this explanation. I had no idea that the last time this story updates was at the start of the 50 chapter story I just finished.

That was wrong and completely rude of me. RWC asked me over and over again when we were going to make some headway on Time Paradox, but he had a damned good reason to push me.

On top of that, I've been doing dark, serious epic for so long, I'd lost my funny bone. I have, however, taken steps to regrow it.

Now, a note about Dio. Chapter 13 was BEFORE Dio's death, we decided to mourn for him at the start of this chapter. As it's coming so late however, there's little point in reopening old wounds. We're leaving a note here though, since it affects plot slightly.

In the previous note, I said that this would be a long-ass chapter. Well, I decided, no. Here's something that, while not that funny in itself, is something to get you going and let you catch up. Chapter 15 will be out soon, and will be funny as hell. This is me transitioning from dark, through to crazy awesome, and next chapter, full-on comedy should be back in full swing.

Don't blame me. I sent him the script for this about a month ago. SamJaz was the one who refused to get off his lazy ass and do it.

I didn't realise how long it'd been! Anyway, Shut up!

Meh.

For now, we'll go to Cosmo Canyon.

* * *

**The Day The Author Got Back To Work  
**

* * *

So, here I am on a cliff's edge with Elfé watching Barret walk up to Dyne.

"So, what do you think he'll be like?" I asked her.

"Who, Dyne?" Elfé asked. "From what I heard, he's pretty well balanced, though that's obviously out the window."

I nodded. "Any guesses on what kind of crazy?" I asked. Honestly, I felt for Barret here, but this timeline has really done a number on my judge of character. I'm thinking of starting a bingo game... "One hundred gil says that he acts like a pirate."

Elfé hushed me as Barret reached the clearing where Dyne was stood.

"I knew you'd come." Dyne said, turning to Barret. "If I framed you for the murders, then you'd come."

"Many that live deserve death." Barret said in response. "And some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them?" he asked, raising his gun-arm. "No? Then do not be too eager to deal out death in judgement. For even the very wise cannot see all ends."

Woah, serious Barret is serious.

But Dyne just laughed.

"I can." He said. "Meteor comes, but Holy stops it, taking the lives of so many people with it."

Nyeh?

"I caught you by the leg." Barret said. "Drop the bucket."

Dyne smiled, tossing the metal barrel around his left hand to the floor to reveal an uzi in it.

He then lifted his trouser leg and kicked off a boot, revealing a machine gun that was attached to his knee.

"Didn't see that coming." Elfé admitted.

"I thought he had a peg leg from his posture." I muttered. "Anyway, something's happening."

Barret slammed his hand into the ground, bringing up a stone plinth and then rested his gun arm on it. "We settle this like men." He said.

"Indeed." Dyne said, walking towards him. "Russian-Janken-Wrestling."

"What the hell is that?" I hissed as Dyne slammed his gun-leg onto the plinth.

"Russian-roulette while arm-wrestling and playing rock-paper-scissors." Elfé replied. "I don't understand the rules, but it's kinda like yahtzee-waldo-risk."

I have no idea how this'll turn out, but it sounds interesting, because right now, machinegun leg is pushing against Gatling gun arm while both fire rapidly.

"There's something I need to tell you!" Dyne shouted amongst the gunfire. "This is all a virtual reality created by an organisation named Square! I see how the story ends! No matter what happens, you gotta-!"

STAB

Oh hell no.

"_**Oh, we can't be having any spoilers now, can we?**_" Unit Zero asked, arm through Dyne's chest as he slammed another hand onto Dyne's head, then pushed the hand through his skull.

Dyne's head exploded like a watermelon from a sudden increase of arm.

"_**Oh, now that's very interesting.**_" Unit Zero chuckled as he incinerated what was left of Dyne's body, destroying any chance we had of reviving him and hearing whatever nutjob theories he might have. "_**He doesn't know the future… he knows your past.**_"

Zero's masked face turned to look at us.

"_**What do you cherish most, Cloud?**_" He asked. "_**Your Sephiroth never got to take everything from you like she did me.**_"

Shit.

Barret roared and slammed into the monster, pushing both Zero and himself over the edge of the chasm.

"BARRET!" I shouted as he grabbed the cliff ledge.

He looked right at us.

"_Fly you fools."_ He whispered, before letting go and falling with Unit Zero, firing his gun as he fell.

* * *

We moved back to the party slowly.

Barret…

There was no way…

I slammed a fist into a wall, knocking the flimsy structure down. "Dammit…" I whispered as it all came flooding back.

Aeris.

Zack.

Kadaj.

And now, Barret.

I can't save anyone.

"DAMMIT!" I shouted, pounding the earth. "USELESS!"

"C-Cloud..?" Elfé whispered, tugging my shoulder and pointing forwards.

I looked up.

Barret was there.

Unconscious, but unharmed.

There was a note attached to his chest.

- _I see you Cloud. But you don't see Sephy. -_

SHIT.

* * *

We ran straight to the team, but they were fine.

Everyone was fine.

Sephy was curled up in a corner with a headache, but everyone was fine.

* * *

I wasn't in the mood for any chocobo racing.

Don't get me wrong, I love chocobos. Hell, I'm a fantastic breeder and racer, it's just right now?

Yeah, nothing doing.

Thankfully, Yuffie and Cait Sith used their Shinra connections to get us out of there. I made a point of picking up the Ramuh summon on the way through the place as I saw the girl that was my manager last time dressed in red dungarees run over a bridge over lava, slide under a dragon, grab an axe and cut through the chain holding the bridge up. The dragon fell into the lava, and she made out with a pink-clad jockey.

That's probably the reason why I wasn't paying attention and we got led into Dio's office for a meeting with the TURKS.

He's dead by the way. Partied too hard, though the doctors blamed Stomach Cancer.

* * *

"You all know Reno, Rude, Yuffie, Elena and myself, so I'll let everyone introduce themselves with their names and specialities." Tseng said once the team met with the full ensemble of the TURKS. "Everyone knows who you are, so I'll let Rod start."

"Hm? Oh, me." a brown haired- almost ginger- man with smooth, spiky hair asked as he clapped his hands together and rubbed them. "Riiight." He said, sucking in breath. "I'm the Doctor. Trust me." He said, grinning.

"Name's Legend, laddie." A ginger man with a mullet and a large cigar grinned, lifting a mug of lager at me. "I blow shit up."

"My name's Gaia." A dark haired woman with a knife twirling in her fingers said. "I'm the driver."

"Ah, moi namuh iz Andre Laurent Jean Geraux Le Troisième." A blonde man smiled. "I am a, shall we say, uh, le hitman?"

"We have no idea how he's survived this long, the missions we send him on, but we always manage to identify the bodies. Just." A well-endowed redhead with a ponytail kept in place by two sticks and a skull hair clip sighed, her chest giggling as she did so. "I'm Cissnei, the supplier."

"Charles Smith, Profiler." A dark haired man with a katana nodded, pushing the glasses up his face before offering to shake my hand. "It's a pleasure to meet you."

I shook it as a brunette woman began to introduce herself. "I'm Luv-"

"And I love you." A large man said as he slipped an arm around her shoulder, before getting the back of her fist slammed into his nose.

"Hacker." Luv finished.

"Nate the Engineer." The man waved, nursing his broken nose with a Cure.

"Guten tag, ich haben Gretel." A blonde woman waved. "I can make a vehicle out of anything."

"The name's Pedro." A man who spent far too much time in front of the mirror said as he span his pistols around his fingers. "I'm a god with these things. Anything I get in my sights-" he pointed one at me and mimed pulling the trigger. "Bam!"

I glared at him as Elena's older sister, Annie introduced herself. She broke stuff, apparently.

"Whatever." I sighed as Arkham made his introductions, and I stood up to leave. "We've got our job to do, so we'll leave you to yours."

Tifa grabbed my hand. "What is it?" I asked her.

"You're relapsing." She said.

I blinked.

Damn.

I am.

Can you blame me? I just let Barret die. The fact that Zero brought him back is irrelevant. I let everyone down again.

I let myself down.

"Here." Cissnei said, tossing me an orange tub of tablets. "These are what you take, right?"

Californium Platinochloride Hydroxide

"That's the stuff." I said, popping open the case and swallowing the whole pack.

"Hey, you really shouldn't take that many at once." Jessie protested as I tossed the empty box aside, wiping my mouth.

"It's the recommended dosage." I shrugged, before passing out.

* * *

I woke up in a yellow temple.

Why a yellow temple, I have no idea.

"Hey!"

I turned around to find the brown-haired lion-furry kid from last time grinning at me. "So, you caught the emo again, huh?"

"No, I got depressed. There's a difference. Also?" I pointed at him. "You're a figment of my hallucinogenic mind." I told him. "You aren't entitled to an opinion."

The kid shrugged. "Hey, whatever." He said, swinging that chainsaw of his over his shoulder. "But you'd best get ready for a scrap." He grinned.

That's disturbing. "Why?"

He pointed up.

A massive cigar butt was coming through the sky.

"Barret thought that a spliff would help you." The kid grinned as the spliff began to break into thousands of black, crawling, evil demonic-

* * *

"SPYDAHS!" I shouted, waking up with a start.

"Oh, hey." Elfé said. "Finally up?"

"You say finally." I pointed out. "Why are you saying finally? Where and when are we?"

"We left the Desert Wasteland a couple of days ago." Elfé said. "You've been muttering ever since."

"I see…" I said. "And where?"

"Middle of nowhere." Elfé shrugged. "Sephiroth, Tifa, Wedge and I have been training everyone else, levelling up the horde of Materia we've got. Right now they're in the village, stocking up on supplies."

I nod. "Good stuff and why is Tifa running towards us very very very fast?"

She vaulted onto the buggy as everyone began to catch up. "Zack might very well be alive." She told me, before turning to Elfé. "DRIVE!"

I nodded as Barret slammed onto the buggy with everyone else. "So why the panicking?"

I got my answer in the form of a Dark Dragon roaring over us. "SPYDAHS!"

"It had da dragon force ability." Cait Sith said, handing me a yellow materia as the buggy burst into life. "I manipulated it so you could get it."

"And now it's pissed." Biggs groaned as we accelerated away from the flapping and scorching lizard of death. "And none of us can kill it."

I nodded, then reached into the sitting area of the buggy and grabbed a rifle. I then got to work grabbing ammo clips and taping two of them together.

"Never cast magic on these bad boys." I said, putting two headphones into my ear. "They'll Ultima your ass. Instead, you've gotta do this the old fashioned way, but I'm still somewhat unsure which way is diagonal, so Sephy'll have to lead the attack."

"ARGH!" Sephy grunted, clutching her head. "Yeah, alright."

I turned. "Flashbacks?" I asked her.

She nodded. "Those are bitches." I said as the guitars calmed down. "You're excused."

_I, I'm driving black on black_

I snapped one end of my double barrelled ammo clip into my gun.

_Just got my license back_

"Everyone else is on ammo filling duty except for whoever's driving." I said with a grin as I took my aim.

_I got this feeling in my veins this train is coming off the track_

"You're using a gun?" Tifa asked.

_I'll ask polite if the devil needs a ride_

"Didn't I ever tell you?" I asked with a laugh as I aimed right at the ball of fire. "I killed dragons all the time before becoming a super soldier."

_Because the angel on my right ain't hanging out with me tonight_

I fired.

_I'm driving past your house_

The Dragon screamed as bullets ripped its scales apart.

_While you were sneaking out I got the car door opened up so you can jump in on the run_

I was hitting too shallow. I corrected my aim as Elfé dodged large rocks.

_Your mom don't know that you were missing_

The dragon swooped in as I unclipped the ammo and flipped it around.

_She'd be pissed if she could see _

Click.

_The parts of you that I've been kissing_

Gun into the dragon's eye.

_Screamin'_

"NO!" I shouted, pulling the trigger.

_We're never gonna quit!_

Slam a hand into its mouth.

_Ain't nothing wrong with it!_

Fire some missiles.

_Just acting like we're animals!_

Dragon scream and I hold out my gun.

_No, no matter where we go_

Someone loads it as dragon recovers.

_'Cause everybody knows_

Gun to the face.

_We're just a couple of animals!_

Fire.

Dragon screams, landing and skidding across the ground.

_So come on baby, get in!_

It rolls, firing a blast of fire at us.

_Get in, just get in_

I open a barrier and block it.

_Check out the trouble we're in!_

I laugh, firing the finishing shot.

* * *

Maybe you haven't noticed yet, but these pills of mine tend to make me into somewhat a sociopath. Which is good if you want me to kill things, but bad if you want me to resolve any relationship issues that may or may not be pressing us at the time.

This _might_ make life problematic with the peaceable people of Cosmo Village, but from I know about this world so far, that isn't gonna be an issue.

As a matter of fact, I think I'm gonna get on with this universe's Bugenhagen. As we got there, he was dealing with an envoy from Shinra.

"Listen carefully, Bugenhagen." The man said to the old man. "SOLDIER conquers and controls everything Shinra rests their eyes upon. We leads an army so massive it shakes the ground with its march, so vast it drinks the rivers dry. All the Shinra Energy Company requires is this: a simple offering of earth and mako." He smiled. "A token of Cosmo's submission to the will of Shinra."

"Submission." Bugenhagen nodded, looking around him. "Well, that's a bit of a problem. See, rumour has it that those Condor's have already turned you down. And if those philosophers and… boy-lovers have found that kind of nerve—"

"We must be diplomatic-" another guy said, but Bugenhagen cut him off.

"And of course Cosmolites… we have our reputation to consider."

"Choose your next words carefully, Bugenhagen." The messenger said. "They may be your last as king."

Bugenhagen took in a breath, then looked at everyone around him. "Earth… and Mako…" he repeated, considering the offer, before drawing his sword and forcing it to the messenger's neck.

"Madman…" The messenger gasped as the Cosmolites drew their weapons and forced the other Shinra men to the edge of the cliff alongside the main messenger. "You're a madman!"

"Earth… and Mako…" Bugenhagen said, gesturing to the edge of the cliff with his sword. "You'll find plenty of both down there."

"No man, Civilised nor tribal…" The messenger begged in disbelief. "No man threatens a messenger!"

"You bring the crowns and heads of conquered kings to my city's steps." Bugenhagen snarled. "You insult my queen. You threaten my people with slavery and death! Oh, I've chosen my words carefully, Shinra." He sneered. "Perhaps you should have done the same."

"This is blasphemy…" The Shinra messenger pleaded. "This is MADNESS!"

Bugenhagen hesitated, lowering his sword.

He looked to a woman, who nodded.

"Madness..?" Bugenhagen asked, turning to face the Shinra messenger. "THIS! IS! **SPARTA!**"

He kicked the man in the chest, forcing him off the edge of the canyon and into the abyss. The other Cosmolites hacked the other Shinra grunts to pieces and threw them over the edge.

Bugenhagen, turned from the ledge, and approached us.

"Charmander." He said with a smile as he greeted Nanaki. "It's good to see you, old friend."

* * *

**-}+{-**

* * *

Was that a Cop Out?

Yes. Yes it was. 

It does, however, allow me to legitimately use 300 jokes without it sticking out of place, AND it'll force me to come up with original script for the next chapter, which shall be good.

So... worth it then?

I just replaced the entire Cosmo Canyon with a bunch of Spartans. What do you think?

Awww yeah...

Next chapter soon, hopefully next week. Vincent will be in it.

I'm just asking for a little more time. Thank you.


	15. A Day With Bugenhagen's Chest Muscles

And Part two of my proud return to madness. After much discussion with my associate, Ravenwingcorps, madness has returned.

City of Dis, You are wrong on all three guesses of Vincent Valentine.

Chaos Guy, Batamut, that was indeed Sora.

colin, truer words have been spoken, but what you said was pretty true too.

_**And just in case, you didn't get the email, chapter 14 was uploaded a few days ago, replacing the status update. Read that before reading this if you haven't already.**_

Now, an announcement. The next chapter may be the last chapter of Time Paradox that I get out before I go on my mission for two years, since I'm going to announce my hiatus in a few weeks and I really, really want to finish Shinji-108 by then. However, you will not be starved for funnies.

My teammate, RavenWingCorps, is intending to make a video series of this while I'm gone, and we want to do it like a hack of Final Fantasy VII, with the blue boxes of text, badly rendered overworld sprites, cool cutscenes, and a voice over narration. However, we're gonna need help.

RWC's experienced with 3D rendering and is currently studying computer game graphics at university, but if anyone can get in contact with him concerning game hacking and animation, or if you just want to get on board with the animation of Time Paradox, send him a message. You can find him in my Favourite Authors list. However, if he doesn't get a decent team going, then you won't get your Time Paradox video series.

If you are interested, PM Ravenwingcorps. He can be found in my Favourite Author List.

* * *

**A Day With Bugenhagen's Shiny Chest Muscles**

* * *

"So, explain to me why we're doing this." Wedge asked me.

"Well Wedge, during my psychological therapy, it was deduced that much of my problems stem from an over-active superego which makes me far too guilty for things that I really shouldn't have to feel guilty about." I told him, keeping my eyes on the scene below. "The treatment sorted me out for the most part, bringing me back to the lovable little scamp I was before getting my hometown burned to the ground, my family slaughtered, and shoved in a jar of mako for four years, but sometimes, I relapse into what could be described as an emo."

"This better be leading to an answer to my question." Wedge said.

"It is." I confirmed. "Occasionally, I need to take some drugs that will put me in a temporary state of sociopathy, taking the weight of the world off my shoulders and reminding me that life is fun when I don't keep focusing on the mistakes of the past and what might happen if I fail."

"Still waiting for that explanation."

"Getting there." I said. "See, I currently can't feel any guilt and I'm clinically unable to consider any moral or ethical justifications or repercussions for my actions. This means that I can freely make bad decisions that, were I in my right frame of mind, I would never even consider due to how immoral it would be."

"Is that why you stabbed Biggs to a chair?" Wedge asked.

"Don't know, don't care." I shrugged. "What I do know, however, is that we have five very attractive women who are currently using the open-air hotspring of this place, and I like looking at attractive women when they're naked and wet."

"Isn't that illegal?" Wedge asked, ever the boring person.

"That's the beauty of it." I grinned. "I currently don't care. More importantly, there is both a buster sword in my pants _and_ I'm pleased to see them."

There was a squeal down below as Yuffie began to squeeze Sephy's boobies.

Boobies are niiiiice.

"Alright then, next question." Wedge said. "Why did you bring Elfé along?"

"Hey, I like titties as much as the next guy." Elfé shouted.

"Elfé, we all know that you're a girl." Wedge sighed. "Stop pretending."

"I'm not pretending!" Elfé shouted. "I _AM_ a man!"

"Yeah, suuure." I sighed, shaking my head.

Elfé stood up.

"You want proof?" Elfé asked, undoing the buckles of her belt. "Alright, I'll prove it!"

We both looked at her.

Hey, clunge is clunge.

She opened her pants and pushed them down.

"GANNONQUADRANGLE!" Barret shouted, blocking our view and jumping over the ledge.

SPLASH

"See?" Elfé asked.

"Sorry, I was kinda distracted by the fact that Barret just jumped into the middle of the hotspring." I said, looking down. "And it looks like our position is exposed."

"_Shit._" Wedge hissed. "_What do we do?_"

"_Why are you waving?_" Elfé hissed at him.

"_It's not me!_" Wedge protested. "_Cloud's grabbed my arm!_"

"Rather you than me mate." I said, glancing down. "Hey, Sephy's coming up to see us."

"She looks pissed." Wedge said in terror. "Shouldn't we be running?"

Hey, clunge is clunge.

* * *

I vaulted over the wall and sprinted down the canyon path, a bathrobe-clad and Masamune wielding Sephy hot on my trail.

Clunge is clunge, but I like my head attached to my neck thanks.

Tifa burst around the corner and slammed a fist in the ground, and pillars of stone burst from below to block my path.

I pulled the Buster Sword from behind me and slashed through it, jumping over her head with a grin.

She grabbed my ankle and slammed me against the floor, making a nice crater.

Most people would panic here, but from that smile, I can tell she isn't about to beat the crap out of me.

Then another hand grabbed my ankle and dragged me underground, burying me from the neck down.

"Nice work Yuffie." Tifa smiled as Sephy caught up to her and Yuffie burst from the ground near me. "So, what shall we do with you, Cloud?"

"Wait, Wedge and Elfé get out of this?" I asked. "How the hell is that fair?"

"Jessie's dealing with Wedge now." Sephy said, looking up the mountain. "And Elfé's a girl."

"Actually, we don't know tha-" Masamune to near my ear shut me up. "What about Barret?"

"Not guilty due to insanity." Sephy smirked. "That just leaves you."

Dammit, where's Cait Sith when you need him?

"Repairing the buggy." Tifa smiled as Yuffie walked off. "Come on, you knew how this was going to end."

"Threesome?" I asked hopefully.

"RIGHT!" Bugenhagen shouted, approaching us. "STOP THIS NOW! IT'S SILLY!"

I looked at him with a raised eyebrow. "Silly?"

"None of your lip lad." Buganhagen growled as he walked up to us.

"Oh, I bet you'd like my lip." I smirked. "Right around your BELL END!"

He stopped and gave me the mother of filthy looks. "Are you questioning my sexuality?"

"Oh, come on." I laughed. "Leather trunks? Oiled chest? That beard? The fact that every other man follows your hard-gay fashion code? You couldn't be any more bent if you dressed in drag and did the hula."

"You're just digging yourself deeper and deeper boy." Bugenhagen sighed.

"Deeper than the closet you're in?" I asked. "You BUMDER!"

* * *

In retrospect, I suppose I was a bit out of line there.

"You think?" A fully clothed Sephy said in the cell next to mine. "You just told the head of the order of Cosmo to suck your dick because he and his people were sooooo gay."

"Hey, I wasn't exactly my self." I pointed out as I laid out everything from my magical bag of holding on the floor, doing an inventory check.

That bacon's definitely gonna have to go. It smells awful.

"It HAS been next to your backside for about a week." Sephy reasoned. "That flower's completely dead too."

I cast Life on it and threw it at her like a dart. "Oh, thanks." She said as it died again in her fingertips.

I stood up and torched all the rotten food and soiled papers, then hosed down everything that wasn't electronic or explosive with an Aquarake spell.

That was one good thing about all this. Cait Sith had done a lot of work filling my Enemy Skill materia for me, thanks to his Control materia.

Sephy sighed and sat down. "So how come me and you were the only ones to be arrested?" she asked. "Everyone else got off?"

"Well, I suppose that we were the only ones swinging oversized weapons around and causing general chaos." I shrugged.

Yes, the drugs were wearing off. I'm sane now. Honest.

"So, this alternate universe that you're from." Sephy said, starting up a conversation. "Everyone's different there?"

"Unrecognisably." I smirked.

"What was I like?" she asked, sending shivers down my spine.

There was a reason I call her Sephy and not Sephiroth.

"From how you reacted to me on the boat, it must've been pretty bad." She said.

"Sephiroth became linked with the Lifestream and my psyche." I explained. "He draws power from my emotional pain, and tortures me from the dead so he can come back and have another go at destroying the world." I picked up a few swords and shoved them back into my bag. "No matter how many times I killed him, it never ended. It was a vicious cycle, and it would never end."

"_Stay where you belong... in my memories."_

"_I will __**never **__be a memory."_

I silently picked up the rest of my stuff and began packing them in my bag.

It's not a memory I like visiting, even after all the therapy.

"So… I was a guy in your world?"

* * *

I ended up explaining the whole thing between me and Sephiroth to her.

I explained a lot.

"When you've had his voice in your head for so long, anyone would be miserable, even suicidal." I shrugged once I'd finished. "It's, probably why I can act so childish here. His influence doesn't reach me, so I can act irresponsibly for once."

Sephy quietly nodded, looking at the wall opposite the one she was sitting against.

"Anyway, your turn." I said, sitting on the floor and facing her. "You and Cloud. How did that happen?"

She glanced at me, then looked at the floor with that smile Aeris had back home whenever she was thinking about Zack.

"He was fourteen when he came to do the SOLDIER exam." She told me. "SOLDIER Second Class by fifteen."

That raised an eyebrow of mine. "I actually passed on this side then?"

"Flying colours." She said. "I only found out later though. He was just another recruit."

I nodded.

"I'm sure you've guessed already, but I spent much of my career pretending to be a man." Sephy continued. "Angeal and Genesis always joked about it- The two heroes and the goddess, like that damn play Genesis kept quoting."

"Loveless?" I asked.

"He always asked what kind of ending I wanted." She said. "You know it's only a masterpiece because the author never finished the final act. There are a hundred and one different variations of the play."

Crap. "I… think I might have destroyed the official ending." I said. "Barret knows it though. Good luck getting it from him."

"Like I care." Sephy shrugged. "Anyway… you know Zack Fair?"

"I know him from my world." I said.

"Suppose you do. Well, he and some of his SOLDIER buddies were getting drunk and he blabbed a rumour that I was actually a woman."

"Gasp." I said, trying to keep her talking. "I wonder how they ever got that idea."

She smirked. "Just so happens that Cloud-kun was drunk enough to try breaking into my dorm." Sephy continued. "One thing led to another, and… well…"

"Weren't you in your twenties at the time?" I asked her.

"Hey, I like fresh cock." Sephy shrugged with a smile. "Nah, but it was great. No one knew, and since I could order everyone with a J-Chromosome around, no one had to find out or think anything suspicious as I took him on as an apprentice, like Angeal had his bunny."

I laughed at the use of Zack's nickname. Hadn't heard that in ages; I've thought of him as a wolf for so long.

"I'd say you were the wolf, actually." Sephy said. "You're always avoiding others, wanting to be alone, but you enjoy everyone's company and you work well as a team."

I glanced at her. "You're reading my mind, aren't you?"

"J cells." She pointed out. "You have them."

"Yeah, I suppose." I stood up, stretching. "Well, I feel calmer now. Feel like a Jail Break?"

"Rat rill rot be recerrary."

Oh, hey Nanaki. Bugenhagen.

I bowed to the muscular man. "I apologise for my inappropriate behaviour earlier." I said.

"Good." Bugenhagen nodded. "I thank you for taking care of Charmander here." He said, rubbing Nanaki on the head. "He's only forty-eight, barely through puberty."

"Rire!" Nanaki protested, but Bugenhagen just laughed as some guards opened the prison doors.

"Charmander, you go rest." Bugenhagen ordered him. "I have matters to discuss with you two."

Oh joy.

* * *

So now, Me, Tifa, Sephy and Bugenhagen's oiled muscles are in his lab, where there's a holographic model of the Solar System.

"It's very pretty." Sephy commented, poking Jupiter. Tifa and I had seen this before.

"I won't bore you with details concerning the Lifestream that you already know." Bugenhagen said. "I'm sure my alternate self explained that quite clearly to you two and Sephiroth, of course, should know about it first hand."

Sephy glanced at him as a shooting star burned through her ear. "Well, yes." She admitted.

"Very well." Bugenhagen nodded. "Then I shall proceed to the matter that I trust only you three are aware of."

"The other members of my team are aware of me being from an alternate universe." I pointed out. "Tifa, not so much, but how did you know we were from the future as well?"

"Logic." The man said. "To recognise what has changed, you must have already seen what is different."

Apparently his abs aren't his only well-oiled muscles.

"Then let me tell you of your purpose, and why it revolves around you three." Bugenhagen said. "The balance of the universe is held in place by four forces: Wind, Fire, Water, and Earth." Four crystals of varying colours appeared around us. "They also correspond to the four alignments: Light, Discord, Harmony, and Darkness."

The white crystal shone with a pure light. The red crystal burned with a chaotic frenzy. The blue crystal looked… calm and serene, while the yellow crystal almost seemed to absorb the light around it.

"Minerva of Light, Wind and Life, Jenova of Darkness, Stone and Death." Bugenhagen explained. "Cosmos of Harmony, Water and Order, and Chaos of Discord, Fire and Madness."

"Minerva's the goddess of the Lifestream, isn't she?" Tifa asked. "And she was in that play too, wasn't she?"

"Play?" I asked.

"LOVELESS." Sephy clarified. "It's important, you should get around to reading it."

Again with that damned play!

"Shinryu maintains a balance between these four entities, until an event four years ago destroyed the east-west balance, and Chaos gained possession over Cosmos."

I raised an eyebrow. This was new.

"The order of the universe dictated that the event four years ago was meant to be a battle between Minerva and Jenova, a battle that should be being fought again today." Bugenhagen continued. "Instead, Chaos stole a champion from both Minerva and Jenova, using both to his own end to defeat Cosmos. Minerva and Jenova had to abandon their own battle to hold Chaos back from devastating all worlds."

"All worlds?" Tifa asked.

"Even your world has been affected by the Maddening." Bugenhagen said. "Were it not for your movement between worlds and your protection from Minerva, then perhaps you too would have succumbed to its effects."

"How do you know that you yourself haven't?" I asked the massively muscled Bugenhagen, recalling the short old man who rode a floating ball back home.

"Perhaps I have." Bugenhagen said. "But I shall protect Cosmos here, regardless."

I nodded. "So, what do you want us to do about it?"

"I think that should be obvious." Bugenhagen said. "After all, The Champion of Chaos has already made himself an enemy unto you."

It clicked.

"Unit Zero." I said.

"Hold on." Sephy said. "Why would Cloud-kun want any of this?"

Bugenhagen looked at her, then realised. "Jenova is protecting her champion on this plane." He said, looking into Sephy's eyes. "You hold the answers you seek. You just refuse to look."

She glared. "I don't know what you're-"

"Trauma-induced memory loss." I interrupted her. "I figured that we'd have all this mix-up with Nibelheim again in some way or another."

I waved her off before she began to talk again. "We'll sort that out as we go, but right now, we need to follow Unit Zero's trail and… do what exactly?"

"His death will suffice, for now." Bugenhagen nodded. "However, if he realises his role as Chaos's Champion, then his power will increase tenfold. Until then, follow the trail you had before and learn the truth behind the lies."

"In that case, we need to take Nanaki to see his dad." I pointed out before Sephiroth could say anything. "I'll take Jessie and Cait Sith." I decided, walking out of there before an argument erupted.

* * *

"Dis is ta be Nanaki's baddle." Cait Sith said, toting the shotgun over his shoulder. "We are merely his whidness."

Jessie and I nodded as Bugenhagen led the way through the tunnel.

"Everyone, this is a ghost of the Bu tribe." The announced, pointing at a cartoonish ghost that was covering its face. "Their vengeful spirits didn't return to the Lifestream after a certain battle, but they can't move if you're looking at them."

That's… pretty pathetic.

"Rertain… rabble?" Nanaki asked.

"We still have a way to travel." Bugenhagen said. "Come."

* * *

"This is a ghost of the Ruszi army." Bugenhagen explained as we passed a much more ominous ghost. "They too were defeated in a certain battle."

"That… what?" I asked.

"They were kind of Russian Nazi's." Bugenhagen continued as they fired ghostly bullets through us. "Come."

"Dat does not compute." Cait Sith said.

Jessie cuddled up to him.

"You are amparing mah movements." The cat-robot man said, shrugging her off. "Go 'ug a ghast."

I think they like each other.

* * *

"This is a ghost of the Persian Empire." Bugenhagen said. "They came in millions, but the three-hundred did not fall to them."

"What happened to them?" Jessie asked. "The three hundred?"

"They died when we, the Cosmolites, came and claimed this land as ours." Bugenhagen stated. "The Spartans were good opponents."

I don't care anymore. I'm busy looting the dungeon.

* * *

"This is where the petrified remains of the great hero Charizard lie." Bugenhagen said once we eventually reached the place where Nanaki's father, Seto, rested.

"Rappa?" Nanaki asked.

"He kept the Gi tribe from taking even one foot inside Cosmos canyon, not allowing a single one of us into the battle." Bugenhagen explained as Nanaki ran up to the statue. "Charizard continued to fight the Gi tribe here… To the protect this Canyon. Even after the Gi's poisonous arrows turned his body to stone. Even after they all ran away… Charizard, continued to protect us. And he continues to protect us, even now."

"Rappa…" Nanaki said, walking up to his father.

"I have Soft!" Jessie shouted, running over to the statue and sprinkling the fluid over the beast.

Bugenhagen covered his face in shame for not thinking of that sooner.

"LEMME ADDEM, LEMME ADDEM!" Seto barked, getting onto his hind legs, his front paws in a rotating boxing stance. "COME ON, PUDDEM AHP!"

**What.**

"My forefathers trained him wrong…" Bugenhagen sighed. "I at least wanted him to rest in dignity."

So… how did he keep the Gi tribe away?

"DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA!" Seto roared. "PUPPY! POWAH!"

Ah.

**BLAM!**

"Hasta la vista, baby." Cait Sith said, swinging his shotgun behind his back.

"RU RILLED RY RAFER!" Nanaki snarled at him.

"He'll live." The robot said as I quickly petrified Seto. "Unfortunately."

I looked around. "Where's Jessie- ah, hiding behind Cait."

"I- Is he gone..?"

I sighed. "What're you scared of now?" I asked.

"S-Stone… becoming… not stone…"

"Reveryrun." Nanaki said. "Rould ru, reave us arone roar a rit?"

* * *

I didn't sleep that night, since I was feeling pretty sane.

Disturbingly, I could hear Sephy's snores from the other side of Cosmo village.

"Ah, keeping watch are we?" Bugenhagen asked me.

I smirked. "I don't sleep much." I said. "Not when I just came from a coma."

"As I've heard." The man laughed. "Charmander was very conversational about you."

"Funny." I said. "He doesn't talk much around anyone other than you."

"Well, he just knows me better than he does you."

I sighed. "The Nanaki I know is just like him, but with better pronunciation." I sighed.

"Yes, there's always some fool who believes that he can mess with the minds of the young." Bugenhagen sighed. "As he's still a child, you can understand that there was a lot of damage done to his speech before we knew about it."

"Ever catch the guy?" I asked.

"Honestly?" Bugenhagen chuckled. "I'm not completely innocent in that manner myself."

I bust up laughing. "You!" I shouted. "The great warrior of Cosmos! Corrupting the youth!"

"We were all young once." He laughed, before turning serious. "I'd like to ask you to take care of Charmander on the rest of your travels."

"Ub rough!" Barret shouted, slamming a hand on each of our shoulders, reminding me why I used to wear shoulder pads. "We'll feed him and ralk im and wash im and clean up all is crap!"

"Barret, Nanaki's not a dog." I pointed out.

"Bananaman?" he asked.

"The red talking animal with the fire on his tail." I clarified.

"I thut we wuz teekinbot da robut." Barret asked.

"Cait Sith?" I asked.

"Noo, da robot!" Barret shouted. "Da wun who's neivur a boy or a gurl!"

"Elfé?" I asked. "Sephiroth?"

"BIGGS YA FICKDONKEY!"

I punched him in the face. He fell down.

"Truly, Chaos's influence is strong." Bugenhagen lamented.

"Nah, it's just Grassy Jack." I said, heaving Barret onto my uninjured shoulder and walking him back to the room where we were staying. "Well, night!"

* * *

**-}+{-**

* * *

NEXT CHAPTER, There shall be answers, and VINCENT SHALL JOIN THE PARTY!

I want to do some other chapters of some other stories first though. Brain kinda breaking.


	16. STARRY STARRY NIGHT

HAPPY HALLOWEEN! Let me relate to you a story.

Back in 2005, My older brother was helping a friend of the family move house because he was getting married. Now, the friend happened to have a copy of a comic book which, after some research on my part, was about a faceless character in a suit and hat.

My brother, being my brother, thought this would be a fun time to spread a rumour around my school about a slender, faceless man in a suit and hat that walked the school grounds once it was over. He was invisible unless you were his next victim. He was one with the trees. His welcoming disposition comforted and horrified you at the same time.

One of my friends called bull on my brother's tale, and challenged him. My brother's friend decided to stay behind after school with a camera, observing the school fields from the library above.

So, working with his other friends, my brother set up the hoax, dressing up in this suit, using pressure bandage to cover his face, and a hat to cover his hair, my brother stood in the fields after school as my brother's friend watched. With the cue from his confederate, my brother turned to look into the library window where the ghost-hunter was watching.

My brother's friend/victim ran home screaming, and my older brother and his mates had a good laugh about it.

Years later, on a certain message board, some photoshopped images of a mythical creature bearing a remarkable likeness to my brother's creation came to pass, bearing the same name and very similar traits to those described in the rumours.

And that is the truth of the Slender Man.

Well, enough of that boring and irrelevant crap. Alright everyone, this could well be the final chapter for the next two years. So, we're gonna do something epic.

**Really epic, In my opinion it's about as epic as anything both me and Samjaz have ever done together, like plotting world domination with lego...**

Faroush, we looked her up, RWC's trying to establish contact. At least for information about hacking. Thanks for the head's up.

Deviate Fish, remember he's still engaged to Tifa, and she's _right there._ Makes you feel better, we haven't decided on the final pairing, but it's looking like an OTT.

Feith, enjoy Arrangements. That's when I _really_ take the breaks off and all hell breaks loose.

Other than that, we still need people to help with Time Paradox Animated, ESPECIALLY voice actors. We've got Cloud, Unit Zero, and Reno sorted out. That's literally all we've got. We need help.

**If anyone wants in you can contact me, even if the only thing you want to do is preview segment to help ensure it's up to scratch and correct.**

Also, how many of you would be interested in me doing a Sleeping With The Girls type story, but starring Onizuka instead of myself? I'll only get to it after my mission, which shall be soon, but it will be a self-insert fic across multiple universes, only I won't be the self-insert. It'll be Onizuka.

Granted, I could do a self-insert fic starring me, but that would require you guys seeing that I'm not quite as badass as the stuff in my head, but then again, I am most excellent with an axe, so I reckon that once I got myself armed and got a Persona then I'd pretty much be breaking the place…

ANYWAY! Announcement. My partner, RavenWingCorps, is working on a Time Paradox side-story starring the Turks. He'll explain it to you now.

**The Turks are some of my favourite characters in this with a lot of potential so I decided to do a side-story, 'Time Paradox: Episode The TURKS' will be a series of oneshots all about the TURKS that shouldn't be taken as cannon, don't expect the same level of awesome as Samjaz isn't working on it. If you are interested look it up on my profile in the next few days.**

Anyway, without any further ado, VINCENT!

* * *

**STARRY STARRY NIGHT**

* * *

I strolled out early that morning to see Cait Sith working on the buggy. "Hey Reeve." I waved.

The massive man-cat-bot looked up at me. "Dat is mah boss." He said. "Ah am Cait Sith."

I sighed. Right, alternations in time and whatnot. "We've still got a few hours left until sunrise." I pointed out. "Mind if I tinker with the engines."

"Da files state you are not a qualified mechanicman." Cait stated.

"Alternate me." I said, budging him over so I could look in the engine. "Different skills. I built my own bike back home."

"I shall provide da lights." Cait stated, stepping back and turning his sunglasses into headlamps.

"Thanks." I said, holding a hand out. "Wrench."

"I used mah fingahs." Cait reported.

…

"Fine, whatever." I said, turning around and tripping over a rock.

Except it wasn't a rock.

It was a black helmet.

_Unit Zero's._

I stood to my feet and held the helmet up. "Hey, Cait." I said. "Lights."

There was a note inside the helmet.

_- Off to Nibelheim. Don't need the suit anymore. Catch you later Space Cowboy. -_

"Space Cowboy?" I asked, raising an eyebrow. "What's up with him?"

"Dat is not good." Cait stated, pressing his ear. "We has da Pattern Sebia. Repeat, da Pattern Sebia!"

"What's Pattern Sepia?" I asked him.

"Da pilot's self-destructive impulses 'as taken on independent physical form, but dat is irrelevant." Cait explained. "Pattern Sebia is when Unit Zero gets da 'eart drive."

"The what?" I asked.

"'E doesn't need da suit for supah-strength or life-support no more." Cait explained. "No longa da leper messiah. He da masta of puppets now."

…

That can only be a bad thing.

* * *

Everyone was subdued as we made our way to Nibelheim. Sephy clearly had something on her mind, and surprisingly enough, so did Biggs. Yuffie kept stealing glances at Elfé, and Nanaki was his normal broody self.

Cait Sith was on standby, and Barret was, well, Barret. Wedge was driving and Jessie kept complaining about her newest phobia. Something to do with bugs sticking to the top of her mouth or whatever, and Tifa could tell I was hiding something, so she wasn't saying much either.

On the plus side, Aeris has taken up falconry, so she's talking to birds now. Unfortunately, they never seem to make it back to her when they call her, due to having birdwhistles in their ribcages.

* * *

Due to the nature of the town's geography, we had to leave the buggy half a mile from Nibelheim and walk the rest of the way.

Now, if I remember correctly, then the town should be completed renovated by Shinra and all the dead replaced by actors that don't know about either me or Tifa.

What do I get instead?

Tifa Lockhart.

Missing an arm and a leg.

She had a robotic right arm from the shoulder down, and a robotic left leg from above the knee.

And she was not happy to see me.

In fact, if Tifa hadn't stepped in to stop Tifa, this could have turned ugly.

"Alternate you, alternate Cloud, from alternate universe." Tifa explained to Alternate Tifa in a hurry once she was pinned to the ground. "This Cloud isn't insane and evil. Any other problems?"

Alternate Tifa glanced around hurriedly, before making a decision.

"Cloud, Sephiroth, Tifa." She said. "Hide your heads and faces, get to the mansion. Don't be seen."

Nyeh?

"Everyone else come with me." Alternate Tifa decided, standing to her feet and clapping her hands.

Blue lightning sparked, and she slammed her palms against a tree, taking a huge chunk out of it and making three hoods and tossing them to Sephy, Tifa and me. "Go." She snarled.

I may be jumping to conclusions, but I think alternate me was behind the Nibelheim massacre.

* * *

But the bizarreness of alternate Nibelheim didn't end there, oh no. In fact, there were a lot of people with old burn scars, amongst other injuries.

On top of that, the Nibelheim Mansion looked completely different, and new.

It was shiny.

Inside, there was a red carpet for us to wipe our feet on, with heated black tile flooring. The walls are covered in marble, and there were hard wood steps on either side of the entrance, leading to the upstairs of the place.

Snazzy.

"Welcome." A french maid bowed to us, her long silver ponytail flowing from her shoulder and almost touching the ground. "May I inquire as to your business with mister Valentine would be?"

Huh. That's new.

Actually, I think she might not be a proper maid. That skirt is far too short and those heels are not practical.

Ladies and gentlemen, Vincent Valentine has a maid fetish and has the mansion and a girl with the legs for it.

"Yasu?" another maid asked, coming around the corner with a tea tray. "Oh, we have friends?"

"Lois, please prepare the Parlour for our guests." The first maid, apparently named Yasu, said, before turning back to us. "I'm sorry, but mister Valentine is currently undergoing treatment for his condition, but he shall be free shortly. In the mean time, please may I inquire as to your business here?"

"Tifa Lockhart sent us here." Tifa stated as Sephy rubbed her forehead. "It involves parallel dimensions, Hojo, the Nibelheim Incident and the whereabouts of miss Lucrecia Crescent."

That raised an eyebrow. "I see." Yasu stated, before bowing and gesturing into the room that the other maid entered. "Please make yourselves comfortable. I'll notify mister Valentine about your arrival."

"Thank you." Tifa nodded, taking me by the elbow and leading me towards the Parlour. "Sephiroth?" she asked. "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine." Sephy groaned. "Headache."

"Flashbacks and voices?" I asked her. She nodded. "That'll be the memory screw. You get used to it."

"Thanks for the sympathy." Sephy grunted, flicking her hair back and following Tifa and I into the room.

I only just noticed, but Sephy's hair's grown back to full length. Huh.

* * *

"May I take your coat?" Lois, the second maid, asked Sephy.

"I'm fine thank you." Sephy said, but Lois wasn't having any of it. "I said I'm fine!"

"Don't be silly!" the maid grinned, reaching around Sephy's torso and unbuckling the trenchcoat and ripping it off her-

WHOA BOOBIES.

"There, isn't that more comfortable?" Lois asked with a mischievous smile, pulling the coat behind her and dashing out of the room.

"Dammit!" Sephy shouted as the door closed behind the maid, folding her arm around her chest. "Do you mind?"

I quickly averted my eyes, taking a profound interest in the swirly patterns on the ceiling.

"Alright, done." Sephy said eventually.

I couldn't help it. How the hell could she-?

Ah, brought her hair forward over her chest and tucked it into her pants. Clever.

The door opened. "I'm sorry if I offended you miss." Lois said, offering Sephy a bathrobe. "Please forgive my rudeness."

"It's fine." Sephy sighed, tugging the bathrobe on and pulling her hair out of it. "Hey, do I know you?"

I took a good look at Lois now. She was shorter than Yasu by a head and a half, and her skirt was longer, but the fetish fuel came from her massive chest and very revealing neckline.

I say massive, but Tifa's are bigger. Lois probably has the same cup size as Sephy.

Actually, I'd say that Sephy and Yasu were probably exactly the same from the neck down…

"Lois?" Tifa asked the maid. "Is Yasu, the person we spoke to earlier, your older sister?"

"Ah, yes, you're right!" Lois said.

"And do you have a third sister?" Tifa asked, reaching the same conclusion I was.

"Yes, Katie!" Lois smiled. "She's the oldest and the most beautiful of us three."

Oh great.

The two maids I've been eyeing up so far have been Yazoo and Loz.

…

_HOW THE HELL DOES THAT EVEN WORK? REUNION ISN'T SCHEDULED FOR ANOTHER TWO YEARS, AND SEPHIROTH IS RIGHT HERE!_

I hate this place.

Come to think of it, Yasu had Sephy's face too.

…

Hate.

* * *

So, we were sitting there for a good ten minutes, sipping tea and generally chilling, before the door opened and in walked…

_What._

"_Hello ladies_." Vincent said in a deep, drawling romanticising voice as he walked into the room in a towel. "I _apologise_ for the delay of my arrival. I'm afraid I have an unfortunate medical condition where if I do not have attractive lady parts applied directly to my chest muscles every twelve hours, I could die."

"You're kidding me." Tifa said as Sephy facepalmed.

"Sadly, this is the only treatment that the science people could find for me." Vincent sighed in his manly voice, sitting down opposite me.

Thankfully, he was wearing something under that towel, or I may have had to slay a vampire.

"You misunderstand." Vincent said. "I am not a vampire. I am merely a man amongst men, whose magnificent handsomeness and incredible manliness allows me to alter the state of causality at my whim, which sadly results in my condition."

Nyeh?

"Also, I can read minds." He said, smiling before looking into his lap sombrely. "It is, at times, a curse."

He perked up and smiled. "But, the rest of the time, **I feel **_**fan**_**tastic**!" he boomed, pulling out an eyepiece and applying it to his face and grinning. "Monocle smile."

…

Is there a reason why Vincent doesn't wear a shirt in this universe?

"That is because our abs need to be caressed by the female hand on a regular basis." Sephy sighed. "Right, dad?"

"Quite so, my dear daughter person." Vincent smiled at Sephy- WAIT WHAT? "Not so loud." Vincent hushed.

"And that's why I can't wear a shirt." Sephy sighed. "Open jackets bound together by belt straps, sure. Actual shirts make me break out in hives, and even then I still need to stroke my stomach every few hours."

…

"Wait." Tifa said in disbelief. "You _actually_ need to have female flesh applied to your skin on a regular basis?"

"The Jenova cells that I received during Hojo's experimentation lessened the effects, but yes." Sephy sighed. "I can get by with just stroking myself every few hours. Act like Biggs and I'll treat you like Biggs."

"I didn't say anything." I protested. The boner in my pants is completely unrelated- WHAT THE HELL TIFA!

"Does that help?" Tifa asked, hand down Sephy's robe. Her elbow was crammed between the boobs.

"Kinda uncomfortable, but wow." Sephy said, eyebrows raised. "Try going under."

"Hahahaha!" Vincent laughed loudly, drawing my eyes away from the magnificent scene before me. "And, by the way mister Strife…"

Ku_CHINK_

"I am a father person to my daughter." He said, shotgun pressed to my forehead.

"Please." Sephy laughed coldly, pushing Tifa off. "We haven't spoken since you and mom broke up."

Hello, this should be informative.

Vincent sighed, lowering the gun. "Well dear daughter, I assume that you are in fact discounting that incident five years ago." He said. "Because if you are not, then that would mean that those years in the Lifestream addled your memories, which would lead to confusion, memory loss, and misplaced slaughter and genocide at your hands due to a lacking of all the correct information."

"That would actually be the situation." Tifa said, leaning forwards. "Please, could you tell us what happened here five years ago?"

"Well Tifa, I would be delighted to retell these events for a beautiful lady person such as yourself, as I will now do so." Vincent said with a dashing smile.

* * *

_You see, it all started back when five years ago, shortly after the corruption of Genesis and Angeal. Genesis fell to the hands of SOLDIER Second Class, Cloud Strife, and Angeal fell to his student, Zack Fair._

_Their absence left a power vacuum in SOLDIER, so the perfectly qualified and experienced Cloud Strife and Zack Fair were both promoted to SOLDIER First Class. _

_Now, in the meantime, peoples in Nibelheim had been complaining about how their reactor had been mutating the local monsters, and the local dragon type beasts were acting particularly aggressive. I did what I could, but as I was locked in a coffin at the time, it really didn't work out._

_So, SOLDIER's First Class Cloud Strife and Sephiroth Crescent were sent to the scene, where they slaughtered Dragon after Dragon. I believe that their guide had an argument with the two SOLDIER's, causing her to abandon the team and leave the two SOLDIER's to find the reactor themselves, but as Cloud Strife was raised in Nibelheim, this didn't slow them down by much._

Ah. This would be considered a Bad Thing: The breakup of Tifa and I in this universe. Kinda.

_There were good times in Nibelheim. Cloud Strife and Sephiroth spent most of their free time with Cloud Strife's lovely and attractive mother, which was most pleasant, but sadly, it couldn't last._

Oh, here we go.

_You see, while pregnant with Sephiroth, Lucrecia volunteered to be Hojo's guinea pig for his experiments. I use that term because like guinea pigs, Lucrecia was both adorable, and used for scientific research. Anyway, the result was Sephiroth: the ultimate product of Project S. In fact, the procedure of creating SOLDIER's in future was based on her success. _

_Sadly, Sephiroth understood little of these experiments until she came to Nibelheim, where she found a chamber in the reactor containing a creature known as Jenova. The same Jenova, in fact, whose cells were used to create SOLDIER's._

_This was when Genesis arrived in the reactor, and spouted a bunch of poetry from some play. It involved two heroes, one of which was supposed to be a villain, and a goddess what no one could decide was good or evil. I believe it was Artemis Fowl, or Death Note, or something like that._

_Anyway, Cloud Strife decided that he had enough of this, and killed Genesis for the second time. This would have been the end of it, except Genesis pointed out that Sephiroth's incredibly handsome man of a father, eye-ee me, was trapped within the mansion and needed to be rescued._

_Now, I was actually in meditation for these years, the subject being life and love, and could have left my coffin at any time should I wish it, but my daughter was, unfortunately, unaware of that. And after slaying the loyal monster that I had tamed and trained to stand guard outside of one of the entrances to my batcave, My daughter and Cloud Strife descended into-_

"Sorry, I need to stop you there." I said, grabbing my forehead. "You have a batcave."

"I have several." Vincent smiled. "Three under this mansion alone."

"Right." I groaned. "Continue."

_Thank you. As I was saying, my daughter and Cloud Strife descended into the depths of the batcave in search of me, where they found the library and science place that I had loaned Lucrecia and Hojo all those years ago, including all of the word books that was there. Cloud Strife decided that he would read these as my daughter continued to search._

_A few days later, my coffin was opened by my daughter, and we bonded in a father-daughter way as fathers and daughters do, once I had acquired towels for both myself and my meditation partner, for as we all know, it is rude to let your meditation partner go without towels, especially the lady-person type ones._

_Sadly, while all this was happening, Cloud Strife was reading some disturbing volumes of words, especially those written on paper from pulped trees, bound in leather from a deceased animal, and had words on the front like Necronomicon, the Octavo, the King in Yellow, and TvTropes Volume Em Ex Vee Eye Eye._

_It was a dark day, and these words of text consumed him, like a fat boy consuming a delicious chocolate cake, with whipped cream, and strawberries on top of it. Not knowing the content and the powers of these word-filled tomes, my daughter person decided that the Jenova monster from the reactor must be controlling Cloud Strife. So, with the help of Zack Fair, who had come to see what was going on with Cloud Strife and Sephiroth, my daughter went up the mountain to slay the freaky lady-monster with the eye-nipples. _

_When I went down to the library-place, to inform Cloud Strife that my daughter was going to save him, he giggled. Snapping the tome shut, he drew his sword and slashed a pattern into the bookshelves and the floor, summoning a force of golden fire and flung me across the room with more strength than any man. Perhaps, this was even the strength of a god. One with muscles of god flesh and titanium, with lava flowing through their god veins of adamantite._

_Overcome by his madness, Cloud Strife left the mansion, his hair bleeding bone white and his grin turning more malicious than any of the demons and madmen that I had wrestled to hell in all my years. And indeed, with true madness comes great insanity, the man formerly known as Cloud Strife set the village of Nibelheim ablaze._

…

**What.**

* * *

"That is as far as I know." Vincent said. "Unfortunately, my chest muscles had been pulverised with a single attack, my ribs reduced to shards like glass broken by the heaviest hammer or the hardest floor. I could not move for weeks. I had to train rats to bring me food, and to absorb moisture from the moss on the walls in order to survive."

"Had I not found him, he'd have died from his disease." Alternate Tifa said, walking in. "I've booked the rest of your team into the inn, they've explained everything from your end, so I might as well finish this story."

"How're you holding up?" Tifa asked.

"I'm fine." I said. "Although we're gonna need to sort out the names."

"Just call me Lockhart." Alternate Tifa said. "Sephiroth?"

I looked round Tifa and saw that she was getting a migraine. Yasu walked over and began massaging Sephy's shoulders and collar. "Better." Sephy said, and hands reached down inside her bathrobe. "Much… better…"

Eyes averting now so shotguns don't point at faces. "Alright, I think we're ready for the big conclusion." I said.

Lockhart nodded, and sat down next to Vincent. "Alright, so Cloud was on his rampage…"

* * *

"_Total slaughter…~" Cloud sang as he tore a man's arm off. "Total… slaughter~… I won't leave… a single man, alive…"_

_The screams grew louder as he began to launch flames around the village, blocking any means of escape._

"_La de da de dai!" he sang. "Geno~cide… La de da de duh, an ocean of blood…"_

_He smiled as gunshots rang out._

"_Let's begin, the killing, time…~"_

"Wait, seriously?" I asked.

Lockhart nodded. "It gets worse."

"_CLOUD!" Tifa shouted. "WHY?"_

_Cloud froze, sobering up. "That's right…" he muttered, tilting his head back amongst the flames to look at her._

_There was a mournful expression on his face as he gazed into her eyes._

"_Sephiroth's… going to kill her…"_

"_Who?" Tifa asked as Cloud turned around and strode towards the mountain._

"_Mother…"_

What.

Tifa's jaw dropped.

"That's not all." Lockhart continued. "For a moment, in the shadows of the flames, I saw a man in a long coat, with long hair, dragging a long katana through the ground."

"Sephiroth…" I muttered.

"You think he came too?" Tifa asked me. "Drove the alternate you insane?"

I glared at Lockhart, but she knew that the glare wasn't directed at her. "Continue." I instructed.

* * *

_Tifa caught up with Cloud outside of the Nibelheim reactor, where he had locked blades with Zack._

"_Calm down." Zack told him, pressing the Buster Sword into Cloud's broadsword. "Sephiroth is going to kill Jenova, and that'll be it. You'll be free."_

"_You're wrong." Cloud said. "I am no puppet bent to the will of a master."_

"_That's what Jenova WANTS you to think!" Zack insisted. "You can resist it if you want."_

_Cloud just shook his head, and muttered something, and four purple spikes burst from his back. They blasted off and opened up into some crystal-insect things. "That's unusual." Zack said, pushing Cloud back and launching fire at them before slamming Cloud to the ground once more._

_Abandoning his sword, Cloud twisted in the ground and kicked Zack in the chin. "No Zack." He said, standing to his feet and creating a spike of purple crystal. "This is the spawn of Sin."_

_Tifa flinched as Cloud threw the shard of crystal into Zack's heart, killing him. He then turned to the reactor, cricked his neck, and marched in barehanded._

_Tifa followed him, trying not to be seen, until she found the door to Jenova's chamber that had been wrenched from its hinges._

_Rushing in, she found Cloud had stabbed Sephiroth through the back with a knife-hand. He pulled his arm back, let Sephiroth's limp body fall to the floor, and turned to the Calamity in the glass jar as he licked her blood from his fingers._

_With a grin, he let flames form a horned skull around his face._

_**HELLO JENOVA**_

_He coughed up blood, however, when the Buster Sword was stabbed through his back._

"_You… bastard…" the masked Shinra grunt snarled, pushing the blade deeper through Cloud's back. "You… sick… insane… fuck…"_

_The flames dissipated from Cloud's face, travelling down the blade and into the mouth of the Shinra Grunt that stabbed him. "I see…" Cloud said, gripping the Buster Sword as his red eyes turned green. "So… I am unfit to be your champion then… Chaos?"_

_Cloud lashed out behind him with his boot, launching the grunt across the room, his back slamming against the door._

_Tifa turned to see Cloud pull the blade out and stab Sephiroth into the ground. "Well then." Cloud said, grinning as Sephiroth screamed in agony. "That's fine too, I guess. Chaos was always a bit… boring, for me."_

_The grunt forced himself to his feet, and he roared as his body was covered in a blazing skeleton of hate that charged for the insane SOLDIER. _

_Cloud laughed, backhanding the man turned god across the reactor, smashing the several jars of Mako with its force. "It's amazing what a little bit of knowledge can do to a man, isn't it, Chaos?" Cloud asked, stamping on the grunt's throat. "I lent you a place in my heart, you gave me power, but I took knowledge, old god." _

_Cloud grinned, squeezing his boot against the grunt's throat. "Have you ever heard about the double-helix theory?" he asked. "Of course you haven't. It's about how our DNA contains the power and knowledge of all those that came before us, and all those that shall follow. If one were to tap into that energy, why, they could surpass gods."_

_Cloud lifted his boot and launched the Grunt against another wall again. "And then there's the theory on Absolute Territory." He said, his green eyes turning blood-red as he raise an open hand towards the grunt, lifting him against the wall from twenty-feet away. "How our emotional walls can be made manifest, creating physical barriers by our psyche screaming DO NOT WANT with all of our souls!" _

_Cloud laughed again. "It's amazing what one can do when they get the power of god and the hubris of a human." He said, and Tifa had heard enough._

"_Really Teef." Cloud chortled. "Alchemy? You really think that a circle written in chalk would be able to stop me?"_

_She felt her hands spread wide. Tifa screamed in fear as her body stood up, her legs no longer obeying her will as she walked towards Cloud Strife- no. _

_Fingers feeling the chalk, she fell onto her knees and drew a large circle on the metal floor._

_Not Cloud Strife. _

_She began drawing symbols._

_Cloud wouldn't do this. _

_Strange symbols, alchemical symbols that she hadn't learned yet._

_Cloud was a loner. _

_That one meant the sun, that symbol represented god- human throwing god to the ground…_

_Cloud was clever, a bit of a freak at times but never insane. _

_She stood back from the circle as Cloud dragged one of the monsters into the centre of the circle._

_No…_

_Tifa sobbed as her hands, no longer obeying her, clapped together and hit the ground._

_Cloud wouldn't do this._

_Blue lightning sparked around the room as black hands began to rise from the alchemic circle._

_This was evil._

_An eye formed, absorbing the creature in the circle and her hands._

_Cloud wouldn't do this._

_Tifa screamed as the black hands tore her body apart._

_He'd never do THIS to her!_

* * *

_Tifa opened her eyes to a world of pain._

_There was a monstrosity laying beside her on the cold metal._

_She saw Cloud kick Jenova into the Lifestream._

_Sephiroth was bleeding out as Cloud squatted down to taunt her._

_Gathering the last of her energy, Tifa brought her two hands together and clapped them._

_She had seen the truth._

_She knew what she had to do._

_Cloud turned around at the sound and saw the blue sparks._

_His eyebrows rose as Tifa slammed the hands against the ground._

_He shouted something, running towards her._

_And they were both consumed by the light._

* * *

"Next thing I knew, I'd been bandaged up by Vincent, missing an arm and a leg." Lockhart explained. "I'd been studying alchemy for some time before the… incident… and what Cloud did was make me open the door to the Truth. It took my leg, but it showed me a lot of things, and gave me the power to perform transmutations without an alchemical circle." She looked at her mechanical arm. "So, for the cost of my arm, I tore his body apart and took a second trip through the Truth to somewhere safe."

"Apart from Tifa and I, there were very few survivors." Vincent said. "Eventually, I rescued Lois, Yasu, Katie and one mercenary from the Sephiroth Reunion experiment. The mercenary left, but the three girls decided to stay and live with me."

"What happened to me?" Sephy asked.

"I don't know." Vincent shrugged. "I honestly can't say. Perhaps you crawled into the Lifestream to escape the Shinra scientists, or perhaps the TURKS came and drugged your memories. Maybe you even left of your own volition. Who can say? I know I can't."

"What about Zack?" I asked.

"Yes, he was an interesting one." Vincent admitted. "Perhaps you have had the pleasure of meeting the lady Turk that goes by the name of Cissnei?" he asked. "Red hair, delightful woman. She happens to be quarter Highlander on her mother's side, and in addition to her radiant beauty and Highlandish charm, it is the destiny of any man she should kiss to die a glorious death that would inspire those her lover left behind to become great heroes that would shape history itself. Naturally, she had an attraction to Zack, and though he never romanticised her due to the fact that he was bound by the bounds of love to another, she loved him so much that when she found his three-day old corpse, instead of vomiting from the stench of rotting human flesh, she attempted to give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, an attempt to bring those love muscles of his back to life."

"And he was revived?" Tifa asked hopefully.

"No." Vincent said. "He became a vampire. He sleeps in the coffin downstairs. Sometimes he comes up and plays the piano. He's quite good."

…

What?

* * *

Quick fetching of teammates later, and Wedge was cracking open Zack's coffin with Aeris. I opted to stay out of the whole thing, since last time he saw a Cloud Strife he was killed, so I was sitting upstairs with Sephy.

"It's a lot to take in." Sephy said. "I thought I slaughtered the village…"

"Back home, I thought I was Zack." I said. "Jenova screws with your memories."

I leant forward, shaking my head. "No, this isn't Jenova's work. I think Sephiroth's behind this."

"The one that only you are able to kill, right?" Sephy asked. "The one that can't come back unless you're obsessing over him?"

"Brilliant way to do it if you think about it." I sighed. "Send me back to another world where everything similar enough to keep my thoughts on him, but too different for me to predict it."

"And I must say, you're doing a bang-up job so far."

I stood up and gripped the Buster sword at Zero, stood there in beige pants and white dress shirt, chuckling behind those sunglasses of his.

"Really?" he asked in my ear. "You actually think that that's the Buster Sword?"

Nyeh- HOW DID HE GET BEHIND ME?

He slammed his hand into the Buster Sword's grip, spinning the blade out of the holster and into the air, where he kicked it into the wall. The blade smashed, revealing the pieces of the First Tsurugi.

WHAT?

Zero slammed me against the ground from behind and pulled a gun against my neck. "Now, this is all very interesting." He said. "Because now, I know everything you know, and I can figure out what you're going to do, but you don't know me _quite_ well enough to figure out what _I'm_ gong to do." He leaned in so he could whisper into my ear. "_Strange, isn't it?_"

He dodged back from the Masamune. "Ah, Sephy." He said with a smile. "Sorry, that was kinda rude, wasn't it?"

I glared at him as I stood to my feet. "Tell you what." He said, flicking his head towards the pieces of my sword as they began to float and snap into place before the whole blade flew into my grip. "We cool?"

"No." I snarled, getting in my stance. "This ends tonight."

He made a sad face. "Aw, but it was just getting good." He said. "I didn't even tell you all my evil master plan yet."

I twitched.

Great.

If I kill him, now I'll never know.

Do I care?

Then fire burst from the ground.

And up rose a being covered in skeletal flames.

Wait…

WEDGE?

**FINALLY, I HAVE FOUND YOU**

CHAOS?

Zero shrugged, punching Wedge/Chaos in the face, and launched him straight out of the house. "Later!" he waved, hopping down the hole that Chaos came from.

I jumped after him, followed by Sephy. We landed as time froze, and a maid with shoulder-length silver hair and a backless uniform speedblitzed around us, throwing knives at Zero that froze just before contact.

Ah, this must be Katie. I only saw her for half a second at a time each time she teleported, but that was a lot. Her gloves were fingerless and went all the way up to her bicep. Her dress was backless almost to the buttocks, and front of the dress went all the way up to her throat, where she had a collar and a ribbon around her neck.

In addition to a large pile of knives, she also carried a double-bladed katana.

While the furthest from Sephy's figure than her sisters, she was certainly very attractive in her own right.

Definitely Kadaj.

Time started again, and Zero teleported from the cluster-storm of knives with barely a scratch and skidded alongside the library. "Not bad." He grinned, thumbing the neat cut along his cheek. "I love a girl who can kick my ass."

"SPIKE SPIEGEL!"

Zero was pressed to the ground by Barret's tackle. "Hey, you're that idiot who pushed me off a cliff." He said. "Twice."

He slithered around him like a snake and straddled him over the back. "I'm gonna enjoy this-"

"HEEEYA!" Tifa shouted, kicking him off and into a wall.

"Hey, looks like something didn't cost an arm and a leg!" Zero shouted, walking out of the wall-crater. "But, something's not quite right…"

Tifa held her arm in the air. "Ah- WHA?"

Oh shit. "TIFA!" I shouted, charging for Zero.

Tifa screamed as her hand tore through her shirt, revealing her scar.

"Yep, thought as much." Zero laughed as Tifa, having regained mobility, tried to cover herself. "Man, is there a universe where you _aren't_ damage good-"

I shut him up with a knee to his jaw. He staggered back, and I slammed a fist in his face.

I don't know what I dropped my sword and frankly, I don't give a damn.

Because beating the shit out of this bastard feels _good_.

Then my fist went into my own jaw, sending me flying.

Damn puppeteer.

The roof exploded as burning Wedge landed back in the cellar.

**TONIGHT, YOU**

"I don't think so." Zero laughed, raising a hand around the corner and Zack came tumbling out with the Buster Sword and a black robe.

Not one like Sephy's. I mean a proper vampire's robe. His skin is deathly pale too.

Clearly a vampire.

Chaos Wedge was not amused, and pimp-handed Zack aside, who groaned from the attack.

**YOUR PUPPETS ARE WORTHLESS**

"Fair enough." Zero shrugged, holding a hand to the sky.

The mansion shook as the ceiling- no, the whole mansion above ground level was taken to the sky by Bahamut Sin, then dropped again on us, shaking the entire cellar. Zero took this to slam a fist into Chaos's face, before jumping off him and clotheslining Aeris and Zack.

I stood up and glanced at Tifa and Sephy. Tifa had zipped up her leather jacket and had fire burning around one fist and ice forming around the other. Sephy strapped on her jacket and swung the Masamune around.

Good, we're ready.

Katie tossed me the First Tsurugi and we charged. Tifa jumped over the wall to punch the ground in front of Zero, before leaping over him and kicking him from behind. I launched the Omnislash on his face as Sephiroth bounced around me, launching a series of stabs as Tifa weaved between her with her fists and kicks.

Zero palmed me in the gut, launching me back, then span around to kick Tifa in the head, continuing his kick and stepping onto Sephiroth's sword as she slashed.

"Hey, someone actually managed to take my arm off." Zero pointed out in surprise. "I might actually lose this one."

"Indeed." Vincent said, clubbing Zero over the head with the dismembered limb and firing his gun point-blank into his face. "Eat lead, inferior male!" he shouted, before turning the gun onto Katie. "Ah." He realised. "You can control other person's body parts. That is quite rude."

Zero dodged as Lois smashed through what was left of the ceiling with a massive power fist. Zack hissed, recoiling against the sunlight as he tried to scramble back to the darkness.

"Nah, you need to get outside more." Zero decided, grabbing vampire Zack and tossing him through the roof before creating a barrier around himself.

"I gotta admit, you're giving me a decent run for my money." He said, pacing around the bubble as I tried to stab through it. "I mean, I've one-shotted Chaos three times today, and you're doing incredibly well with simple teamwork and numbers. It's almost unfair if I don't even the odds somehow."

I felt it.

The heartbeat of the planet.

"You're not serious." I realised as the sky grew dark.

"Well that depends." The compelling voice I had learnt to fear over all these years whispered into my ear. "On what you think he is suggesting."

I twisted around and locked blades with the Masamune.

"It's good to see you again." Sephiroth smiled. "_Cloud._"

I pushed against the stone floor, pushing his blade back. "_Sephiroth._" I hissed, no longer caring what was going on.

Sephiroth smirked. "I do wonder, Cloud." He said. "I appear to be a most attractive woman on this side." He grinned. "Would that be incest, or masturbation?"

Sephiroth leant back as Sephy stabbed for him, and I pressed the advantage, slashing at his Masamune while he dodged Sephy's attacks.

"My, aren't we forgetting something?" Sephiroth asked once he locked blades with the two of us. "Cloud is over there and you two are the only ones who can keep up to his strength."

I paled, glancing back only to receive a kick to my chest, launching my into Zero's hand as he slammed me to the ground and punched my face in.

Yep, he's got his arm back. Ow-

SEPHIROTH!

I rolled out of the crater and hopped to my feet, leaping up in the air and slashing at Zero, who jumped onto the sword as I split it and sliced at him vertically.

He hopped aside at the last second as Sephiroth rushed me, grabbing me by the throat and slamming me through the mansion walls and dropping me in Nibelheim.

I coughed up blood as I smashed my shoulders against the ground, then rolled to my feet.

"Well now, this is a familiar scene." Sephiroth stated. "Tell me what you cherish most. Give me the pleasure of taking it away."

"If I remember correctly…" Sephiroth mused before I could answer. "Your mother lives in… _that _house, am I right?" he asked. "I do believe she survived your little rampage over here."

No.

**_FWOOSH_**

"MOM!" I twisted when I heard her scream. Sephiroth smirked behind me, I just know it.

Snarling, I launched myself into the air and slashed at him with two blades, screaming with endless rage and he blocked every single attack before stabbing my in the ribs.

"And now, you've even left your beloved friends to die in the darkness below the mansion, all of them to be killed by your hand." Sephiroth whispered as I slipped my two blades together. "What is there left for you to cherish?"

I grabbed the Masamune and threw him to the ground before falling myself. Cait Sith caught me as I fell and Nanaki charged at Sephiroth with Biggs, Yuffie and Elfé- ARE THEY INSANE?

Apparently not, because Elfé is actually pushing Sephiroth back in swordsmanship, with Biggs and Yuffie's own blades covering for her when they weren't blasting magic at him with Nanaki.

"Dat is not a good wound." Cait said as he began healing me. "You mast rest."

I grabbed my ribs and cast a fire spell on it to cauterise the wound. "Masamune…" I grunted. "Wounds… don't heal… by magic…" I let go of my side and shook my shoulders. "Keep him busy!" I shouted, running towards Shinra Mansion before it exploded into flames.

Wedge landed, wisps of flame licking at his skin as the fire spread around the village. People screamed as he grinned at me.

"Wedge." I said.

**THAT MAN IS DEAD**

**I AM CHAOS**

Well then, saves me the ethical crap doesn't it?

I slashed right through him and kept running to the burning mansion just as I felt blood splatter across my back-

And Nanaki's head to land on the floor ahead of me.

"Running away, Puppet?" Sephiroth asked, landing before me gracefully. "How unlike you."

Nanaki's dead…

He can't come back…

Phoenix down's don't work when Sephiroth's concerned…

"What's wrong, Cloud?" Sephiroth asked sardonically. "You seem upset."

I cast Dragon Force.

"**You killed Red Thirteen.**" I snarled, before charging at him with the First Tsurugi and Apocalypse.

The house exploded and twelve figures walked from the flames.

Tifa. Sephy. Zack. Cait Sith. Vincent. Yasu. Katie. Lois. Lockhart. Jessie. Who the hell is she?

Do I care?

Sephiroth smirked, rising into the air as all twelve of them rose their hands at me and began charging spells.

Wait, wha-

I know that look it Tifa's eyes.

I ducked down and cast Big Guard as everyone began hitting me with every spell and summon they had. Someone started shouting something but I couldn't hear it over the sound of everything clashing against my shields.

I hate Unit Zero. I hate his puppeteering.

I rolled out of the way of the Masamune and leapt into the air, summoning Shiva to blast the place as I launched at myself.

He dodged my attack and everyone began moving again. "Specialty in Enemy Skill Materia, huh?" I snarled, swinging the blades.

"Well, I didn't want anyone to get suspicious." He laughed, dodging my swords before ramming his fingers into the gaps of the Apocalypse and wrenching it from me. "Truth is, my skill is with all the Yellow Materia. Steal, Sense, Throw, Deathblow, Morph, Double Cut, Slash All, Mime, the W commands, but my personal favourite?"

I slashed through his face with one of my knives.

"Well, it was Manipulate." He said, bringing his face back to mine with a smile.

No.

No, that knife went through his face.

"But, that's not my ability." Zero stated, spreading his arms wide. "Did you think the name Zero was just for fun? Why do you think it scared that Shinra idiot so much when you called yourself that?"

There was a roar as Chaos rose back up, but it was silenced once again.

"You see, while there is _so_ much I can do, my ability is quite the opposite." He said. "But, enough of that. You should look behind you."

I turned around and Sephiroth impaled me in the chest.

Then Cloud stabbed me in the back.

"How foolish." Sephiroth chuckled. "And everyone you love is just going to stand and watch."

Sephiroth raised me into the air, and I dropped my sword as I clutched the Masamune. "Look at that sunset, Cloud." Sephiroth said, turning me around to see the red sky as the sun fell. "It will be your last."

I struggled, coughing up blood as I tried to fight.

And everything turned to darkness...

* * *

…

_What're you doing here?_

_It's not your time yet._

_Just hold on… just… a little longer…_

_This pain… it's only a passing thing._

_It's not your time to die._

_Just stay awake… long enough to see the stars…_

_Because when you wish upon a star…_

* * *

I opened my eyes.

I looked up at the stars.

The sky was dark.

Too dark.

It was nighttime, but something was filling the sky.

Wait…

"**Sephiroth.**" A grinning voice said. "**I classify you as a Grade A Monster.**"

What?

"**Releasing control art restriction levels three, two and one.**" The voice continued. "**Situation A- The Cromwell Approval is now in effect. Hold release until the target is silenced. **

_What are those eyes around me?_

Whatever they were, they were actually causing Sephiroth to panic.

"_**I shall now educate you…**_" Zack said, eyes appearing on the darkness within his flowing red robes. "_**As to what a clash between true monsters is!**_"

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

Some… _thing_ with Zack's face, like Vincent from my world's cloak, but with massive wolf heads coming from the darkness which looks like it is made of worms.

Zack's hands and his head fell to the ground and were consumed by the darkness, and the screaming wolf head's launched themselves at Sephiroth.

Dropping me, Sephiroth cut through the heads with the Masamune as the darkness slithered towards him. Sephiroth leapt back onto the water-tower, and an arm came from each wolf mouth, each one carrying the Buster Sword.

Sephiroth blocked each slash as they came, his panic growing as the darkness laughed. He lost an arm, then a leg, and then a second leg as he floated above it all.

"What..?" Sephiroth asked, his eyes filled with terror. "What in mother's name _are _you?"

The wolf head's vanished, and a pillar of black flame stood on the water tower.

_**What's wrong?**_Zack's voice asked. _**You've only had a couple of limbs hacked off. Come and get me.**_

Zack's face and hand emerged from the shadows. "_**Summon your familiars.**_" He said, gripping one of Sephiroth's legs. "_**Transform your body! Regenerate your legs and stand up!**_"

He squeezed the leg, blood spurting out. "_**The night is still young.**_" Zack said, crushing the leg. "_**Hurry, hurry, Hurry!**_ _**Hurry, Hurry, HURRY!**_"

His whole arms, upper torso, and head were visible from the flames now, with a massive red eye in the cavity. "_**The real fun's just begun…**_" Zack laughed.

He stopped as a hand gripped his head from behind.

ZERO.

"I must admit your parlour tricks are amusing." Zero smirked. "I bet you've got bunny, under your hat."

Zack paled as Zero tore his head off and descended to the ground, hands spread wide. "Now here's your chance to get the best of me, hope your hand is _hot!_" he sang. "Come on _Cloud!_ Let's see what you _got!_"

He leaned forward, eyes wide in his challenge. "You try to slam me with your hardest stuff, but your double whammy isn't up to snuff!" he shouted. "I'll set the record straight, you're simply out of date, you're only second rate!"

Two Masamune burst through his skull at this point as I healed one of my chest wounds. "Enough of him." Sephiroth said, ripping his blade from his skull and facing off against Sephy and I. "Let us finish this."

"Oh yes." Zero said, pulling himself upright and flicking the blood from his hair. "Let's."

Alright, how the HELL is he still standing from that?

He giggled, then grabbed both Masamune from the blade and pulled both Sephy and Sephiroth into each other, knocking their heads together before lunging at me.

I was ready, and sliced straight through him; cutting him clean in half from the centre, but I still turned around to block his crowbar, even though I was covered in his blood.

"REALITY WARPER!" I shouted. "GOD IS OUT OF HIS HEAVEN SO LET'S GIVE HIM OUR FIREPOWER!"

I flipped my sword over my back and began bombarding him with every spell in my arsenal alongside everyone else. He laughed as he blocked most of them, but some of these spells were getting through to him.

**END, ABOMINATION**

The horned, flaming skeleton that was once Wedge rose up and slammed a massive hand into Zero, who caught it and tossed the god aside, laughing as I reached inside my bag of holding.

I pulled out a large bomb.

I bit through the fuse and tossed it at him alongside several ice spells, and he didn't notice it.

**KRAKOOM**

That HAS to have hurt him!

He flew out of the flames, grabbing me by the throat and slamming me into the inn.

No, no it didn't hurt him in the slightest.

"I suppose this would be where I sing about how your doom is set in stone, or perhaps explain the nature of my power so you can understand just _how_ you will die, but I'm just not feeling it." Zero smirked. "And yet, I don't really wanna kill you or else I'll be bored."

I snarled, grabbing a grenade and ramming it down his throat.

It vanished.

He smirked.

"Ero eberybody!" Barret waved, coming out of the shower with a towel around his waist- wait, what? "Look at yourself." He said. "Now bag to me. Now bag at yerself NAO BACK! To me!"

What?

"Sadly, yes are nut da Spydah." Barret said. "But if ya listen ter Barret, ye'll know ALL ABOOT da word 'ON', just as dis Barret does!"

"Is he..?" Zero asked, and I nodded, sadly.

"Look down." Barret said, and the bathroom walls rose- WAIT WHAT? "Baggup." Replaced by a view of the sea as a shirt landed on his head. "Where am I?" he asked, shaking his head until the shirt fell of. "Huh." He looked at us and shrugged. "I ar on a boat."

Indeed, we are… somehow.

"What's dat in yer 'and?" Barret asked, whipping off his towel to reveal some white trousers. "Back atch me. I 'ave it." He said, lifting up an oyster. "It is da clam wit too tickets to dat ting you luff."

_BITE_

"ON MAH NOSE!" Barret shouted, struggling against the shellfish as he pulled it off his nose, then threw it out to sea where it splashed satisfyingly. "Huh. Anyting is possible when yez smells lika da Barret and no da wurd 'ON'." He said. "I am on a horse."

"Moo." The fat, udder carrying horse said.

"Cow." Barret corrected as something began to whistle.

"I see." Zero said, dropping me on the floor. "You're the same as me, but your power differs somehow."

Barret pressed his cannon onto Zero's head. "Buswankah sez whut?"

Zero raised an eyebrow. "What?"

**VROOM**

I- Wha?

Did a bus… just run Zero over? At Barret's will?

We're on the second floor!

Barret ran over to the hole on the wall and leant out. "BUSWANKAH!" he shouted, before turning back to me. "Cam on Clark." He said, waving over to me before jumping over the wall.

…

Ladies and gentlemen, we just might survive this.

And I think this universe is turning me into Deadpool somehow. That, or I'm monologuing to stop me from pissing myself.

Judging from the fact that our only chance at survival now rests on a drug-fueled Barret, methinks the latter.

* * *

I gave myself a few minutes to bandage my chest shut. Sephiroth missed my heart and lungs, barely, and I had a smaller wound in my side. His blade missed the middle bit of my ribs and everything just hung in place, so I should be fine with a couple of day's rest, but right now, I've got evil psycho god-mode me to kill.

When I got back outside, Barret was standing on a pole while a rampaging herd of… rodents in… sombreros… were storming the burning Nibelheim while Sephy fought Sephiroth, Zero was having the time of his life, and everyone else was fighting Chaos.

Everyone's at a stalemate, so who do I help first?

The problem I know how to solve. I jumped, kicked off a post, and flicked open the First Tsurugi and all the pieces flew out around Sephiroth.

"You might want to move." I warned Sephy as the golden light began to cover me and the blades.

I slashed. And I slashed. And I slashed. And I slashed. And I slashed. And I slashed. And I slashed. And I slashed. And I slashed. And I slashed. And I slashed. And I slashed. And I slashed. And I slashed. And I slashed. And I slashed. And I slashed. And I slashed. And I slashed. And I slashed. And I slashed. And I slashed. And I slashed. And I slashed. And I slashed again before landing on the rooftop, clipping the entire sword again and slamming it against the roof, launching a massive wave of golden fire at Sephiroth.

I've had to up my Omnislash the past few times Sephiroth and I have battled, but I'm glad this version worked as well as it did, since the black wing began to envelop him.

"I'll see you again…" Sephiroth smiled. "At the Reunion."

"Maybe next time you won't have to follow orders from psycho Cloud." I said. "Puppet."

He chuckled as he faded away. "Foolish Cloud, ignorant puppet…"

And then he was gone.

I looked down at Sephy. "You want Zero or Chaos?" I asked her, before the world shook.

And one hundred Unit Zero suits stood at the village gates.

"HEIL HEIDEGGER!" they shouted in unison.

"Yuffie." Shouted over the paused battle. "What the hell are those?"

"No idea." Yuffie explained. "But not good things."

"Yeah, you know how the You from this universe is Unit Zero?" Reno asked, suddenly behind me. "Well, these are Units One through One Hundred. They're super-versions of SOLDIER, and while not as badass as Zero himself, they still kick a lot of ass."

I blinked.

Not good.

"Well, this has been fun." Zero waved. "I'd like to do this again, so I'll give you all a head start, buy you some time."

Wait, what?

"I mean, your friends have already taken Chaos down, but muscles and the dog are dead, but you don't exactly have time to mourn because these guys are here to kill you." Zero laughed. "Of course, I'm only gonna make 'em stand still for a hundred seconds. Then they're hunt ya like blood hounds."

I snarled as he clicked his fingers.

Jessie walked up to him.

"I'll keep this one here as a pet." He said, smirking as each soldier drew a gun and pointed them at one of the team. "One." He counted. "Two. Three."

"GO!" Jessie screamed. "I'LL BE FINE, JUST RUN!"

I clenched my teeth.

We couldn't leave her behind.

"THEN WE RESCUE HER LATER!" Sephy shouted, turning back to Zero and Jessie. "I am going to kill you for this." She said. "Jessie, hang on in there."

She sobbed, nodding as Zero laughed.

"Thirteen." He counted. "Fourteen."

I launched a Matra Magic into the air.

"SPLIT UP!" I roared. "ALL THOSE WHO WANT TO STAY WITH US, MEET UP AT THE RENDEZVOUS POINT IN TWO WEEKS! GO!"

* * *

I glared at everyone as Jessie screamed for us to run, and I shouted a promise to save her.

Normally, I'd fight for her.

But if Zero wanted her dead, she wouldn't be able to tell us to run, nor would we be running.

Besides, we have a tracker on her.

One of the benefits of her agoraphobia.

"Eighty Nine!" Zero shouted. "Ninety!"

I was the last to leave Nibelheim.

* * *

I met with Tifa, Sephy and the Kadaj maid, Katie, as we ran.

Katie explained that one of her sisters, or Vincent, was in each of the four groups, and they confirmed the meeting place of Rocket Town.

No one questioned the decision to leave Jessie behind.

No one dared.

On top of that, Wedge is gone. He was the Shinra Grunt that fount Zero long ago and became the avatar of Chaos.

Nanaki…

* * *

_I woke up cold November, It takes a lot to show my face around here._

_I tried not to lose, what I tried so hard to show to you._

_How long, can I wait here? I'm all torn, by your words._

_I'm broken, yet we're still burning, just hold on till the end._

_I crossed out all the stars, to try to show that she was once amongst them._

_I've only myself to blame. _

_Master of Puppets, he's pulling my strings_

* * *

**=] [=**

**[END DISC ONE OF FOUR]**

**[PLEASE INSERT DISC TWO]**

**=] [=**

* * *

I… yeah.

**...Same here...**

I know some of you will complain about how dark this story just got, but I stand by my decision.

My ability for lighthearted insane comedy has deteriorated, so I threw everything I had into this.

The term is Cerberus Syndrome. It's where a previously lighthearted series becomes darker, more drama focused.

And yeah, thus ends part one of four of Time Paradox. How do you like it so far?

The girl that Cloud didn't know was Shelke, the woman/kid from Dirge of Cerberus. We're currently working out her character, but we have fun things planned for her in Part Two. As for Cid, he's easily the most insane character of the lot. You will love him.

However, don't expect to see Disc Two any time soon. This will most likely be the final chapter before my mission.

The song at the end is Cross Out The Stars, by one of my favourite bands, Fightstar. We added the final line for your nightmares, once you realise what it's doing there, but we were originally going to use Don McClean's Vincent, but it didn't work out. Ah well, we still managed to make the joke at the start of the chapter.

If you don't get Vincent, look up The Man Your Man Could Smell Like. If you don't get Zack, look up Hellsing. We had the choice of either doing Alucard and Edward Cullen, but judging from how I treat Cullen in Arrangements Shall Be Made, people might start thinking I enjoy Twilight, so I went for the awesome option.

Zack's fine by the way. Not sure if I pointed that out, but he recovered from getting his head ripped off. He's a badass vampire.

Oh yeah, Arrangements. You'll enjoy that. I made a Smash Bros Fic that didn't suck, and there are people there that shouldn't be there. Like Sephiroth, Taz, and Rincewind. It's a boatload of fun. Go read it.

Although, I need to say one thing. I'm still not happy with Unit Zero.

**I... wha?**

He just doesn't come across as... _psycho_ enough for me.

**... You're an idiot.**

Hey, I took inspiration from that Kumagawa guy in Medaka Box. That guy scares the shit out of me with every sentence that comes out of his mouth, but I'm not getting that from Zero.

**You did fine. Deal with it.**

Thanks.

Apart from that… I dunno. Later!


	17. The Day Someone Else Got To Narrate

Hey. Baaack.

So, I've completed my two year mission, and now i'm writing stories and looking for jobs. So here's something for you.

Shout Huzzah for RWC for getting the plans together.

* * *

**[ PLEASE INSERT DISC 2 OF 4 ]**

**[ WOULD YOU LIKE TO SAVE THE GAME? ]  
**

**[ SAVING, PLEASE DON'T TURN OFF THE POWER ]  
**

**[ GAME SAVED ]  
**

**[ LOADING DISC 2 OF 4 ]  
**

**[ P2 START ]  
**

* * *

{/\}

_{ The Day Someone Else Got To Narrate }_

{\/}

* * *

The first thing I noticed was the pain.

Hiiiii paain.

[ Aaand so we find our heroine lying passed out on some floor wrapped up in blankets ]

Oh. You again?

[ Well, it's a pretty sweet gig I've got here, even if I have to put up with your inane antics ]

Lovely to see you to.

[Well, one of us has to narrate this story. ]

How much are you getting paid for this anyways?

[ Sometimes? Not enough, but the job comes with good dental. ]

Jerk.

Still, decided to open my eyes. Can't hurt to follow the helpful boxes in your head now, can't it?

Blink.

I see the light.

IT BURRRNS!

[ Well, you've been out for a couple of weeks now. ]

Well lah-dee-dah mister 'You're the narrator'! Thought you didn't know anything!

[ Hot girl, three O'clock. ]

YES!

Tilted my head to see a very fine specimen wearing a lovely blue kimono... thingy. Looser than a kimono, but definitely Wutai lady clothing.

Looks good.

Lady in question had black hair to her chin, and that neckline is soooo gooood.

[ And yet, you let Biggs get away with it. ]

I have nothing against the man.

"You're awake." The fine lady said- oh.

"Morning." I grunted, forcing myself up, much to Yuffie's concern.

"Don't hurt yourself!" She shouted, gently moving to push me back down. "You're still wounded."

Well maybe if you actually learned how to use cure materia then we wouldn't have this problem.

Although... this whole room looks far too... wooden to be Rocket Town.

That's where we were regrouping, right?

"Yuffie..?" I asked carefully. "Where are we, and where is the rest of the team?"

She looked off to the side.

"Wutai." She answered hesitantly. "And we're the only survivors."

I shook my head. Part shock, part disbelief.

Cloud's too damn strong to just die like that.

[ Even with that Zero guy chasing them? ]

"What happened?" I asked through clenched teeth, ignoring the yellow boxes for once.

* * *

_Lois, one of Vincent's girls, Yuffie, me and the big robot were running through the forest. Yep, remember that bit._

_Yeah..._

_Then Lois' head exploded._

_So I caught the UZ clone's neck with my sword and his head went flying._

_Yep, remember that bit._

_Then Cait Sith crossed his wrists and danced like he was on a horse, a dozen or so UZ clones behind him doing a similar dance only they were swinging an invisible lasso above their heads._

[ I don't remember that part. ]

_Hey, my memories, I can make insert whatever inane fictional events I want._

[ Narrators don't lie to the audience, unless the author's leading them on a red herring. ]_  
_

FIIIIIIINE. YOU SET THE SCENE.

[ Ahem. ]

_[ And so our heroes, Yuffie, Cait Sith and Elfé, turned to face the enemies that had already taken the life of their apron-clad ally. ]_

_[ Though outnumbered, the brave three fought valiantly against the innumerable foe. ]_

_[ Blades and bullets danced, shredding infected flesh with each movement in this symphony of death that played through the tranquil forest on this moonlight night. ]_

_[ In this romantic atmosphere, a romance began to blossom... ]_

_[ When tragically, our princess succumbed to the fatigue of the battle and was struck down by the foul knave in the dark armour, blood flying from the wound in her chest. ]_

_[ Elfé, vision blurring, fighting for breath, avenged herself with her sword, cleaving through the glass, flesh, and bone of her assassin's head. ]_

Alright, enough remarks against my gender. "Yuffie?" I asked.

"You went down, and we continued to fight." Yuffie explained. "But it quickly became apparent that we would be unable to hold the line for the immediate future, so Cait Sith provided an alternative."

* * *

_"Get to da choppa." Cait Sith ordered, dropping his empty gun and pulling a large object from his torso._

_Yuffie recognised the explosive components of the device. "Is that..?"_

_"Take Da He-She and get outta here." The machine warrior snapped. "GO! I Will Follow."_

_Yuffie didn't need to be told twice, picking up the limp body of Elfé as Cait raised his arms, more guns slotting out of the extended limbs._

_Now to buy time before detonating this thing._

* * *

"I was shaken by the explosion, even from the other side of the mountain." Yuffie explained. "I wouldn't be surprised if that caused a landslide blocking the pathway to Rocket Town, but we had no choice. Cait Sith made it here afterwards, but his skin was obliterated, so he looks like a robot skeleton what the moment."

Well, that's what happens when you go about LETTING OFF NUKES!

[ Now now, I highly doubt that your friends would actually detonate a nuclear device and still live to tell you about it. ]

AND THEY DID IT WITHOUT ME.

"Have you tried contacting the others?" I asked Yuffie, who nodded her head.

"There's been no response." She reported. "Tseng is looking into it. There are signs of combat in a few places."

"Bodies?" I asked, getting another nod.

"Any of ours?" I clarified.

"Yasu was found dead." Yuffie reported. "A lot of Aeris's blood was found nearby, but her body was removed."

Anyone I actually care about?

"Anyone else?" I said instead.

"No." She replied. "We got lucky."

"You doubt they survived?" I asked her. Thought she was ninja?

"We only survived ourselves because Cait Sith had that bomb and we fled across the sea." Yuffie explained. "I don't see how they could have survived."

...

I laughed.

Laughing hurts ribs.

"Get some rest." Yuffie ordered, pushing me back into a horizontal position. "I'll tell the doctor you're awake."

I smiled instead.

Only two bodies out of thirteen casualties?

[ Conventional fictional trope. Until the body has been identified, no one is dead. And even then, that's a shaky subject. ]

Narration box.

[ Hmm? ]

Start a bookies. I'm betting Vincent's gonna show up within a week.

* * *

Next day, I was upright and getting a guided tour of Wutai with a still-kimono-clad Yuffie.

It was niiiiiiiice.

Oooh, sword shop.

Which reminds me,

"Hey, Yuffie." I asked, looking at the Katana shop. "What happened to my broadsword?"

"Left it inside a corpse." She replied. "Do you want me to get you a replacement?"

I patted myself down, finding my wallet.

"Nah, I got it." I told her, walking in. "I was considering a change-up anyways.'

"Well hellooooooo ladies." The man inside the shop leered. "What can I help you to beauties with today?"

I ignored him, looking around the place until I found some things I liked.

Grabbing two Katana, I looked through the harnesses, trying to find one that'd have room for handguns.

"Sorry miss, but that's the men's section..." The man laughed.

"I'm a guy." I replied, finding one in nice brown leather that was roughly my size. "These three for 300 Gil."

The man laughed. "Not a chance, woman!" He shouted. "The harness alone is worth a thousand!"

[ Try using your sex appeal. ]

That's the most retarded thing I have ever-

No, that'd be that time Barret said-

Actually, it'd be that time Barret found that chicken-

No, no, It has to be when Barret decided that lemon was a code word for-

No, decided. Most retarded thing ever is this guy right in front of me.

This might even work.

"Five hundred for the lot and I'll take my shirt off."

Yuffie's head snapped towards me.

Guy's jaw dropped.

[ Oooh, that's bold. ]

"Everything waist up, on the floor." I told the man, shrugging my jacket off and holding up the bag of cash. "Sold?"

The freak was salivating. "S-SOLD!" He laughed, taking the money gleefully. "NOW STRIP!"

I smirked, reaching down for my shirt.

Hey, Yuffie's getting into this too.

Yeah man, she wants me.

[ Hurry up and get this show on the road! ]

I put my new finds on the floor, then gripped the edge of my shirt.

"Pleasure doing business with you." I told the man, lifting my shirt over my head to reveal the manliest torso in the city.

Guy nearly passed out.

Yeah man. Check out these abs. I am so ripped.

"Hey, wanna see the pec dance?" I laughed, picking my stuff off the ground.

Man, this whole androgyny thing has its advantages.

"T-trap..." the shop owner mumbled, head on the desk as I reclothed myself.

I slid the two swords into the harness, slinging my jacket over my shoulder as I walked out with a smile on my face.

Love what you do and you'll never work a day in your life.

"Excellent display, bravo." A shirtless man outside the shop applauded. "Of course, a gentleman such as I would never be deceived enough to doubt your masculinity, but such a technique is truly effective against less eloquently alert Heterosapiens."

[ Ah poo. ]

"Vincent." I smiled. "It would appear that the accounts of your demise were exaggerated somewhat. You just won me a bet."

"Glad to be of service." Vincent bowed, letting the three geisha continue rubbing him. "But one should never leave a shop without a lady friend, regardless of how long she has been torn between the painful, heart-wrenching decision, between the dazzling carmine scarf, or the sumptuous chestnut one."

I turned around, and, sure enough, Yuffie was blue-screening in shock, stood motionless inside the weapon shop.

I tend to have that effect on people.

* * *

"After dropping Barret and miss Lockhart in Rocket Town, Biggs and I noticed quite a commotion on the other side of the mountain, so naturally we travelled over the unscalable peaks to investigate the matter of the explosion." Vincent explained once we were in the inn, Yuffie recovered from my incredible handsomeness. "We found young Miss Shelke, who was travelling with Zack and miss Aeris, under the charge of Yasu. Unfortunately, Yasu had fallen to the hands of those vile knaves, and not even a down of phoenix, or my incredible smile could bring her back from the lifestream's embrace."_  
_

He rubbed the head of the woman who was... I suppose _applying _would be the best word- applying herself to Vincent's torso. She looked up at him. "Is something wrong, sir?"

"Yes, but you are performing wonderfully." He smiled at her. "Please, continue lying on my torso as you are."

She sighed.

Some clients have the _weirdest_ things, and she's even on the strict 'No hanky-panky' plan.

Well, she supposed that she was paid for the hanky, but she always made it very clear that she was not contractually obligated for any panky.

Mind you, maybe for this one...

She shook her head clear of that one. She was NOT going down THAT career path.

She's here to stand there and look pretty, nothing creepy.

Although in this instance it's Lie down on guy's torso and look pretty.

Seriously. weirdos.

And since when can I read people's minds?

[ Narrator's privileges. ]

Sick, how does it work?

[ Whenever it helps the narrative, but not the actual plot, progress. ]

That sucks.

"So, where was I..?" Vincent pondered. "Ah yes. I considered making myself cry to revive poor Yasu with my tears, but crying could be construed as unmanly by those who have yet to understand the concept of manly tears, so I was physically unable to bring myself to do so. The same events happened as we discovered what was left of Lois's body."

Ah. That was us. Whoops?

"We were carrying the distraught Shelke with us, who told us of the unfortunate manner that miss Aeris was killed, another tragedy for the ages." Vincent continued, looking mournful. "She told also of how Zack wept bitter tears over her, clutching her beautiful dead body and the remains of her violently ejected heart as both of them were consumed by the darkest flames of the blackest abyss. Shelke also reported that the eyes in the fires blinked at her, but that is clearly the figment of a scarified and deranged mind, as fire is blind, and relies on its acute sense of smell to interpret its surroundings."

Right, okay. Fire's a living organism now. Who knew?

"At this point, however, I began to suffer from an attack of my condition." Vincent continued. "It had been several hours since I last had a beautiful woman touch my skin, and I began to convulse violently and break into a deadly fever."

Wait, what?

"I could not ask Shelke for her assistance, as though she is a beautiful and mature young woman in mind and soul, her physical body is, unfortunately, that of a very young teenage girl, one too young to allow myself to take advantage of, despite the very critical nature of my illness." Vincent continued, "Thankfully, Biggs alerted me to the presence of a wonderful society of astonishingly attractive women located not far from our then-current position, on an island several miles sail away from our seaside surroundings."

"Fighting the fever, I did what any man would have done to preserve my life." Vincent said, looking down with a sigh. "I quickly fashioned a boat out of the nearby stone and dirt, using braided grass as rope, and my own teeth as saws. Having fashioned this ship, I traded it with a local trader in order to obtain a small biplane. Tearing the aircraft into raw materials with my own feet, I then proceeded to artifice a crude pickaxe from the raw materials, and began digging a tunnel to this wonderous cornucopia of beauty and attractiveness, where with my dashing good looks and my skill in finding men who appear not to be men revealing themselves to be men indeed, I was able to reunite this party of ours."

"That is good to hear." I said, completely ignoring his complete and utter insanity. "Where are Biggs and Shelke now?"

"I believe Biggs had to visit the local leaders for some mysterious purpose, perhaps one revealing a dark and painful backstory that we may never know the full details of, and we introduced Shelke to the very capable supervision of the musical professionals of the current vicinity." Vincent smiled. "I know no better cure for battle trauma than the wonders of enthusiastic musical talent."

...

Great.

I stood to my feet. "Vincent, I'm currently leading the party." I told him. "We're to regroup this evening at Yuffie's quarters, Where we'll make plans on what to do. I intend to regroup with Cloud's party in Rocket Town, departing first thing tomorrow morning. Will you join us?"

"I will more than happily join your entourage." Vincent confirmed. "In fact, my heart leaps within my bosom at the thought, that I, handsomely incredible though I am, might have the honour of travelling with one such as yourselves. And this heart leaping has nothing to do with the fine medical service this beautiful and patient medical person is offering me this very moment."

That's my cue to leave.

* * *

And eventually, I found Cait Sith. "Hey." I said, waving him down.

"You appear to be recovered." He nodded towards me.

Dang he looks creepy with those red eyes.

"Yes." I nodded. "We're going to start our journey towards Rocket Town tomorrow morning. Will you be travelling with us?"

"I would be most happy to." Cait Sith nodded, turning back to the repair of his firearms.

He looks so weird now. Like, silver skeleton, glowing red eyes, leather jacket, leather trousers, big thick leather boots, and random cat ears with a crown between them on his head.

Cait Sith, you really freak me out.

[ This coming from the trap. ]

Shut it.

"I'm happy to have you on board." I told him, turning to leave. "Meet us at Yuffie's tomorrow morning."

"Dat I will do." He said, nodding again. "Ah look forward do it."

* * *

**[ P1 START]**

* * *

You know, I am sick of watching reruns from this bed.

Even with Tifa nursing me every day, it's kinda hard to make the most of being the wounded soldier when Sephy wants in.

And another death threat to the world from Wedge-turned Chaos is on the news, shouting at how he's gonna kill everyone if he doesn't get Unit Zero's head on a plate.

Sigh.

At least it can't get any worse.

"Pour in a cuppa flowers...~" A familiar voice sang off-key from the floor beneath us. "Ye'll be in 'eaven swoon..."

Oh great.

"Bees? BEEES?!

Barret's arrived.

"SPYDAAAAAAAHHHSSS!"

* * *

**-}+{-**

* * *

Yes. We are back, though I need betas.

Who want to volunteer to be beta? Anyone?


End file.
